Would You Drink It?

So I was sitting here doing my morning routine. Checking stuff on the network and sipping my coffee. I love coffee and have a hard time imagining the morning without it. In fact I can't think of anything that would stop me from drinking it. Even it it became sentient and objected to the idea... I wonder?

Would You Drink It #1: Coffee gets mouthy.


So as I wait for it to cool it belittles me? How exactly would that help? I honesty believe it would make me want to drink it faster.

"Hey there Chunk-o!"
"Oh yea!" glup, gulp
"AHH! You're a monster!!!"
"Ah... Time for another cup?"

Plus it would be pretty cool in meetings.

"You call that a presentation?!"
"Sorry...Coffee."

Would You Drink It #2: Coffee gets going.


What if coffee could run? Would that be better or worse than talking Joe? I'm not sure. Would it splash my coffee as it circled on my desk, covering my mouse and keyboard with Yuban?

Personally I believe I would be MORE upset of my coffee started dressing in wranglers and giant cowboy style belt buckles. Wranglers are almost always a disturbing sight. Once I'd recovered from the shock, I would sell tickets to the coffee freak show and use the revenue to buy more refined Starbucks coffee. The sort of coffee that wouldn't take off unless it could locate a pint sized BMW.

Would You Drink It #3: Coffee gets busy.

So...more coffee? Right. I'm in!

I'd like to pretend that I'm this sympathetic person who this sort of coffee suffering would appeal to. If I said so, it would be a lie. Personally I would love it if my coffee began siring some java offspring.

"I have a wife and kids..."
"Excellent! Bring them on out!" GULP, Gulp...
"NO!! Jimmy!!"

Would You Drink It #4: Coffee gets weepy.


No. I would not. Don't think you've found my soul, buried deep within my heartless exterior. It's not about that. To put it simply, salty coffee tastes like garbage.

It's probably my fault though...I doubt he would have broken down like that if I hadn't found his family so utterly delicious! Maybe next time I'll feign some compassion... No. Probably not.