One Bottle Of Uncomfortable

I feel like a fish out of water, I’m scared as I walk around. Everything in sight is foreign. The population here eyes me with suspicion. They know I don’t belong. Can they see the fear in my eyes?

“Can I help you?” queries the local
“I’m not sure,” I say “I think I’m okay…I’ll just look around a bit”
“Okay but I just wanted to let you know,” The over-bubbly clerk continues,
“Body sprays are half off, lotions are two for one, and have you seen our new…”

It seems to me that going to the local girly sent shop is as close as I’ve been to visiting a strange land. I’ve never left this country, not that I hadn’t planned to. We were going to go to Mexico once and got all the way down to the border, when someone high up in the government was murdered. I don’t want to sound unfeeling for this person, but I was quite disappointed that it had to happen while we were visiting. I just never made it since.

Anyway the point is this shop is one of places I feel like I don’t speak the language, I’m not sure of the customs, and I’m not up on the currency.

“Actually,” I recant, “I could use some help. I want to buy something for my wife’s birthday.”

“Okay,” bubble brain beams, “ We have shampoo and conditioner”so far so good “Body sprays, body bars, shower gels or lotions”sigh...lost me


“What flavors does she like?”


“Well” she oozes “We have: coconut lime verbena, creamy coconut, coco-cabana, cherry blossom, country apple, honey suckle, mango mandarin, cinnamon pumpkin spice, sun-ripened raspberry, strawberry lemonade …”

I smiled, leaned to the left and bolted. I grab three items at random from their pristine displays and slung them into my delightful gingham-bowed basket. At the front I’m manipulated into buying a darling box and bag of purple string confetti, just to move the checkout process along. I would have signed my life away to get out from under the false sunny lights of that enchanting depot. All said and done it only cost me half a year’s salary for the five items as they were having a sale.

I counted myself lucky though, last Christmas I was attacked as someone "accidentally" used the back of my head for a scent tester.


Jason Michael Parrish said...

It takes a brave man to enter that store. And to carry a gingham basket and sniff stuff while maintaining a masculine air is certainly not easy. I applaud your nerves.

Makolyte said...

Grr I hate those kinds of places where they keep bugging you.

I suggest using an online store next time if you're gonna buy the same crap for your wife

kludge said...

Jason Michael Parrish-

On my "Scary places for men: list. This is near the top!

Makolyte- Thanks for stopping by! Agreed. They're just too happy! (I always suspect something sinister when people get gushy nice!)