Secret Diary of Luke Skywalker Pt.2

Dear Diary:
That crazy snow monster came out of nowhere. He completely blindsided me. What's the freaking point of having Jedi reflexes if a giant tusked, snarling snow monster can catch me unaware. I should have been able to smell him at least two hundred yards away. I'm wondering if I'm ever going to become a Jedi. It's really hard to write hanging upside down...

Dear Diary:
I'm freezing! Looking back, I think it would have been smarter to kill the snow monster and I stay in his warm cave. Hello! I'm the one with the glowing kill stick! Stupid Luke, really stupid. I saw the old hermit in my hallucinations again. He didn't seem to care I was dying. I think my brain is trying to kill me. It's really hard to write with Tauntaun guts all over me...

Dear Diary:
The Hot chick kissed me. I think we've really got something.

Dear Diary:
I can't believe I got stuck with Dax as my navigator. Hello! Aren't I the hero of the republic? The destroyer of the the Death Star? This guy wouldn't know a tow cable control if it got in bed with him!! Oh, right. I should say, if it had gotten in bed with him. Luckily after I crashed, right before the walker smashed him and the ship to bits, I got my lucky grappler out of harms way.

Dear Diary:
So my hallucinations sent me to Dagobah. A slimy rotten snake pit. My ship is stuck in the swamp, R2 is covering muck and a stupid old frog just stole my lamp and licked my last protein stick. Yea. Thanks Ben, I didn't know how much you hated me...

Dear Diary:
So, the withered old frog man I insulted turns out to be the Jedi master I was suppose to find. He was more than a little put out with me. What are the chances....

Dear Diary:
"There is no why." What the hell is that suppose to mean? Talking backwards makes you wise? Stupid frog. "Never his mind on where he was, what he was doing.." Whatever. Just what I need more of in my life, an eight hundred year old pontificating reptile backpack! I found a viper in my bed roll last night. Seriously creepy. Thanks again Ben!

Dear Diary:
The Righteous Jedi Frog refused to teach me Darth Vaders choke trick. Some virtuous dribble about the path to the Dark Side or something. Like floating rocks are going to be a big help to me in the middle of a battle. It's hard to write when you're pouting.

Dear Diary:
Ben and Yoda say not to leave Dagobah and save my friends. They claimed to have over eight hundred years of experience in the ways Force and the fact that I've only been at this for a couple of weeks or so. I bet he's regretting he didn't teach me that choke trick now...

Dear Diary:
So... Ben and Yoda might have known what they were talking about. Turns out I wasn't much help. Han is table top on his way to Tatoonie, C3PO hasn't shut up about the fact that he's in pieces and Dog boy tried to strangle Lano. Good Times. Oh right. And diary, funny thing happened while I was trying to kill Vader. Turns out he's my long lost father. Seriously. It was a less than happy reunion. He cut off my hand and then asked me to join him. "Oh yeah, well I wasn't till you mangled my appendage, but now I'm totally convinced!!" What a day. At least I've got Leia, and we seem to have a real good thing going.