Popping Corn

"What you do not smell is called light nonfat butter flavored instant microwaveable popcorn. It is tasteless and dissolves into a sticky oatmeal like paste in water.

It's main purpose is to make your mind yearn for something that is akin to the greasy oily popcorn served in movie establishments. You know, the kind loaded with salt and butter that makes your complexion breakout in a billion greasy zits about 4 hours later? The main difference being that yours comes in a burned paper bag, has a consistancy akin to rubber and almost no taste at all.

In fact the only way that you can be sure it is popcorn like is due the the corn husks that burrow down in between your gums and teeth like a dozen nasty ticks in your mouth. Where three days later you find that your tongue is suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome as it vainly tries to remove them during boring conversations with co-workers and long drives in the car.

Only after you've let your mouth heal for a day or two from the incessant bleeding that comes with popcorn husk removal does your brain begin to forget all the trouble that the 125 calorie bag of popcorn caused you. Sometime after 7:34 on that night, it might say to you in an off handed kind of way,

"How do you feel about a bag of popping corn?"

"Well... That does sounds nice."


Anonymous said...

Don't you mean, "You know, the kind loaded with salt and 'butter flavoring' that makes your complexion breakout in a billion greasy zits about 4 hours later?" You'd think if they could invent some synthetic goo that actually tastes a little like butter, they'd be able to make it so it would not cause a pimple explosion.

Jason Michael Parrish said...

This kind does not taste good unless modified with REAL butter.

Ideally, one should use a butter-moisture-sprayer on the popped kearnels and then eat them the proper way-with chop sticks.

If the chop sticks are washable after one or two bags, you need to add more butter.