For the Love of Ants

What could be more noble than an ant? What creature could be a better example of what is right and good in the world? What person can not say that the studious, devoted, hard working ant was anything but the best that the insect world could create?

They aren't slimy like a worm. They aren't poisonous like a millipede. They don't consume their spouses like a preying mantis. They don't sting like a bee or stink like a beetle. I've never heard them disturb my peace like those loud, good for nothing grasshoppers. They don't suck your blood like a tick or make you itch like a louse. They are just devoted to their work.

They are true blue and loyal. They always obey their mother, and work tirelessly for the betterment of their colony. Ants can carry things much heavier than themselves. As any entomologist will tell you, that makes them the perfect Sherpa to scale any mountian with a pack full of food.

"Wait. Where did you guys get all that food?"
"My counter top!"
"How many of you are there?!"

What can be more lonesome than an ant? A filthy dirty scavenger! What creature could be a better example of a low life bottom feeder? Bees are like the farmers of the insects world. Cultivating pollen which will be converted into honey for their nourishment. They work the plants and add to the food supply of other animals. Worms recycle garbage into rich useable soil. And while quite macabre, at least the preying mantis supplies her own dinner. (I still hate grasshoppers though, nothing is changing that opinion.)

But ants?! What do they do. They invade! They steal. They do it so blatantly that you cannot ignore them. One or two become dozens. Dozens become hundreds and hundreds become thousands, until your entire kitchen counter top is black shifting mass of larceny!


Ants. There is no reasoning with their kind. All they understand is violence. I am a murder. I've killed hundreds. Thousands. They keep coming, but I will be victorious. I plan to eradicate an entire civilization. I have no remorse. How can you? If you show any weakness they will exploit it. There are no treaties, boarders or agreements. No, there is only one option; the ants must die.


Ando said...

Well spoken sir. Here are some of tales of my own battles against this pestilence.

kludge said...

Thank you.

I'm always torn between admiring their industrialism and despising their larceny.

StoriesFromTheAir said...

These damned ants," says the burly six-footer with a heavy Dutch accent as he sits carefully on the creaky chair. "They seem to be ineradicable. Every morning, they arrive on a table before me." He removes a match from the tiny box sitting on the side of the ashtray on the table and scratches its black head against the side of the box. His taller colleague who is wearing bricklayer work overalls like him leans forward -- a cigarette dangling from his mouth -- towards the flame. Then the six-footer places the head of his own cigarette against the lighted end of his colleague's. He points the light at the tip of his cigarette at the ants which are carrying the burden and holds it towards them.

"Stop! Leave them alone," his friend says in time. "They are hardworking insects: that's all. They are like those people from the airline we met in this restaurant last month. Remember we flew on their airline. The crew never stop working to make us happy."

"Okay, I think you're right! I was only bored," the voice with the