Ultimate Advances in Self Deprecation

I am hungry. Very hungry.

In a constant battle of man versus buffalo wings I have been a near heroic figure. If I could take that a step further I would claim a near godhood. Of all the people that I know there are few who champion the cause of over-eating as much as I do. It is fun, it tastes good and I genuinely look forward to it.

The trouble isn't the looking forward it's the looking down. As I look down I see a nice well built reserve of nutrients that I am stowing along in tow these days. Not as much as some but still a sizable bit more than most. At some point everyone has to say to themselves. "Who put my freaking pants in the washing machine?! These things barely fit at all!"

Maybe not that exact phrase but you know what I mean. You stand there in the morning and think, "Well the hell did that happen?" And you're not entirely sure. You remember them fitting a while back. You remember all the times you've gone for a walk or a bike ride but you have a hard time remembering the date of your last excursion.

So you say to yourself,

"It's the governments fault for all the tariffs on healthy foods!"

"It's the fault of food companies using all that sugar and fat!"

"It's the fault of fast food for being so dang convenient when you've had a long day!"

"It's the fault of society for making me work so comfortably at a computer and not picking cotton all day!"

"It's the fault of my next door neighbor for playing his stupid TV show so loud that I'm forced to leave the house and eat poorly! If only he were more reasonable I would look like a super stud in my jeans!"

None of it true. It's your fault. Yours alone, unless of course someone is actually force feeding you fast food while holding you down. Then of course it's not your fault at all and you really should call the cops. So... Yeah, anyway. It's your fault, you did it but you can fix it!

Which is what I'm doing...but I'm kinda hungry. I suppose that's good. If I wasn't hungry it wouldn't be very effective.

"So I've decided to make a change for my health, well being and the betterment of the seam work on my jeans."
"Excellent! What are you doing?!"
"I've cut out chocolate donuts."
"Wow. How many of those were you eating everyday?"
"Yeah, I know! It was easy! It's so simple it's brilliant! You know many calories are in chocolate donuts!?
"I've also cut out falafel, apple fritters and-"

So, I've cut out food.

Wow right? Tell me about it. It's Just for a few days. Just to get started on my way. I'm on a juice diet for the next 10...no the next 7 days. That's right nothing but juice from my blender for the 10 days and I'm already on my 3rd day. Then after that, I figure a more balanced diet and hopefully a more permanent change. I figure once I'm done with 10 days I'll be so delighted by the progress and the ability to eat again, good food will be more appealing to me. That's the plan at least.

For the record. This kinda sucks right now. It's suppose too. I mean, who would honestly believe that giving up caffeine and food would be fun?

Right. I did...


Queenbear said...

I can SO relate to this. Best of luck to you!

kludge said...


Got a sandwich on you... :)

kludge said...

For the record, I lost 12 lbs in 10 days on this. As of today I'm down 25lbs. Hopefully I keep it off.

Lastly, juice fasting was affective but it totally sucked. I would have a hard time recommending it to anyone who didn't need to lose a LOT of weight.

Ando said...

While not nearly as extreme, Jen and I have cut out all bread and (most) refined sugars. No sweets, no junk food, no bread of any kind. We're midway through our two week stint and it hasn't been easy, so I can only imagine how tough a straight juice diet would be. Well done sir.