Lazy Thursday Blues: The Movie Return

It has been a long time since I've done one of these... And in the interest of getting them started up again, this one will be in play for a number of days .Since it's been such a long time, this game should feel a bit new again!

I'll start the game with a quote from a movie. Whoever knows it can respond, with the movie it's from, additionally they will add a new movie quote to keep the game rolling. This continues till we all get stumped or bored.

Only two little rules
1.) No R or greater movies
2.) No cussing

"Daddy, I do not want a boat like this!"

Gone Phishing

My name is Dr William Monroe, a staff of a well-known bank, here in London, England. One of our accounts, with holding balance of £15,000,000 has been dormant and last operated three years ago. From my investigations and confirmation, the owner of the said account, a foreigner by name John Shumejda died on the 4th of January 2002 in a plane crash in Birmingham...

In Internet speak phishing is the luring of unsuspecting users in your scams. Whether that scam is buying a product that doesn't work or convincing them that you're a rich refugee from Nigeria. Whatever the ends are, the beginning parts of the scam is commonly done through phishing. Nigerian e-mail phishing aside, one of the best ways for companies to sell their garbage products on the Internet is raise their Google ranking.

The more people that link to a website, the more popular the website is, the higher ranked it will be by Google. Thus, the more likely it will be seen on the first page of searches for whatever product they sell. In the world of Internet marketing, search engine hits are the reigning lord. As such many companies are paying for links from blogs and websites. Websites with decent Google rankings. I was the proud owner of two sites that, until very recently, met those requirements.

And so for the past 16 months I've been a dirty nasty phishing blogger. The soiled companies paid me well to do it. I did it with a smile on my face and growing black spot on my filthy soul. In fact for the 232 posts that I typed up, while prostituting links from my websites, I was paid over $1800. It's not that its wrong, so much as it's despised. See, I'm still trying to to justify my habits! Okay... In general, it really is a low practice. I don't know anything about company xyz, and yet here I am, peddling their product and linking to a black hole website. All for a few bucks.

A few bucks that I took a vacation with, bought a new router, dovetail jig and table saw with, paid some bills with and still had some left over for investing with. Hum....I seem to be teeter-tottering here. Okay, I'm not going to pretend I didn't like having the extra cash. It's been really fun to know that I could spend money without guilt. I wanted it, I save for a couple weeks and bought it. It's hard not to like that! In the end though, it was tainted.

So called Internet morality aside... I've stopped. I've stopped for two reasons. One, well in all honesty, the market for my services dropped through the floor, at the same time both of my websites lost their high Google score. I was a little disappointed at first, but now I feel like it's a good thing. Because we then get to point number two. I really wasn't very proud of it. That of course was squashed out by my desire for 'free funds'. What can I say, I like spending money. It's always been a hobby of mine.

So I might not be able to buy that lunchbox planer next month, but at least I can rest in the knowledge that I am no longer sending poor unsuspecting grandmothers to their doom while searching for 'cheap mortgages' or 'quality online furniture". Anyone know what the next big Internet fad will be?

One good thing to come of this, is now I have two pretty cool websites recently cleaned of all my old paid postings. FusionRing my gadget site, and Legal Addictive Stimulants my caffeine blog.

Starting Over

There are few things as defeating as starting over. When you believe that you have completed a project, paper, blog or task to realized that something is not satisfactory. You sit there putting the finishing touches on it when it hits you like a ton of bricks. You begin to rationalize. It's not that bad, I can fix it. No matter how hard you try, you know the truth of it cannot be escaped. Life is about to teach you a valuable lesson that you will shell out for in heaps of wasted time. Buckle up.

So you just finished the most amazing wrapping job on Earth. Perfectly folded corners and the most delightful bow you've ever tied. I mean, honestly, when does curling ribbon ever curl that well? Only when curling ribbon knows what you don't. It knows that you've been a total stooge and left the "HALF-OFF CLEARANCE" sticker smack dab in the center of Aunt Betsy's gift.

I recently found myself at the end of a woodworking project. It wasn't anything horribly involved, but in my mind it was nearly complete. It took me about 10 hours or so to get to this point, and this point wasn't pretty. No sir. My design, with two floating shelves, looked great on paper, but as paper doesn't have to worry about real world physics, it can't be blamed for failing to support itself in real life. Turns out I should have known better. Well, I do now...

As I stood there staring at it, I knew I what I was going to have to do. I didn't want to. I was getting down on all fours looking at it from weird angles. "Well that looks fairly good." I wanted to bust out the duct tape and bailing wire. Have you ever been there? Pretending you can fix a broken levy with a bucket of paint? You begin reasoning with yourself.

"Well, when you kinda close one eye, and tilt your head to the left...it's really not that bad."

"Are we talking about the same cabinet? I'm looking at the one that's shaped like a 'V'. Where's the one your blathering on about?"

"Is it really that far off?"

"You could check it for square, if you'd like a good laugh...."

"-sigh-. I'm going to have to start over from scratch."

"No doubt! You might want to even burn your old plans, just to be on the safe side. Better brew another pot of coffee."

I knew I was going to have to start over and re-design it from the bottom up. So I just bit the bullet and dismantled the entire thing. In the end, I'm glad I did, it turned out much better, and much more stable. I'm nearly done again. And this time, it looks like it's suppose to. Sometimes starting over, is just a simple fact of life. That being said, if I find some major flaw that I've overlooked... you can bet I'll be reaching for my can of paint!

Rebirth

"Frank! There you are."

"Hey..."

"You were suppose to meet me at the office, remember? The client?"

"Client?"

"Yea, you remember, the deep fried peanut butter people."

"That sounds repugnant. We're not working for them are we?!"

"What do you care? You missed the meeting..."

"Sorry."

"...and the free samples."

"Maybe I'm not so sorry after all."

"Whatever. Look, what have you been doing that is so important, that I had to eat deep fried peanut butter all by myself?"

"I'm evolving."

"I see, isn't that fine."

"Yes, well.."

"How nice."

"Yes..."

"Good for you."

"Thank you."

"Frank?"

"Yes?"

"I'M GOING TO STRANGLE YOU!"

"What!?"

"I have been belching up greasy peanut butter for the last 20 minutes by myself because you have been sitting at a coffee shop...uh...EVOLVING!? Are you completely out of your mind!?"

"No. I'm actually highly advanced. Which is why I'm evolving you're not."

"Frank. Evolution doesn't take place in an afternoon, over a mocha latte! It takes tens of thousands of years."

"It only takes one mutation to get the whole thing rolling though."

"Well, in theory, yeah I suppose... wait. Why am I even having this conversation with you. This is idiotic. Frank. You are not evolving, your having a mental breakdown. It's much easier to explain, and there are already plenty of medications for it."

"No, listen. Darwin predicted a slow path for evolution, the gradual slant with lots of in-between species, or links. But most scientists have long since abandoned Darwinian evolution and instead believe in a theory based on positive mutations. You know, the first human with a larger cranial cavity or more agile fingers..."

"And all the other Neanderthals were so jealous, that they decided to go down to Beverley Hills and have their skulls hollowed out, just to be hip?"

"Look, I'm not going to try and explain it to you. That's the way it works okay?"

"One ape just gets fed up with not being able to use a comb properly, so he just says, 'enough is enough!" and has a kid with an opposable thumb? Is that about the just of it?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing a good stomach pumping wouldn't solve."

"Anyway, regardless of your sour mood..."

"And sour stomach..."

"Look! You are looking at the next phase in human evolution! I'm that mutant. Can you please stop acting all petty and stupid."

"Fine. Frank Groves, isn't a starving advertising salesmen, he's the next stage in human evolution. Not only, overweight and short, with male pattern baldness, but just happens to be 'What's next' for the whole species."

"Look man, I was pretty surprised myself."

"Okay fine. Prove it"

"Okay."

**CRACK!**

"You...You..."

"Just grew a third arm."

"three..."

"I know. I told you. I'm evolving."

"Frank... I'm, uh... feeling a bit light headed. I think I should sit..."

**CRASH!**

"Three arms and I couldn't even catch him. Oh well, it's a lot to get used to in one afternoon. I mean who would have ever thought you could just go out and get deep fried peanut butter! What will they think of next... I'm going to need some new shirts."

We're Back

The Internet has returned to the Brown house after a staggering six year drought. After literally years of us telling anyone who would listen, "We don't miss it", "It's no big deal", "We're happy without it", somehow, it's back. In 2002 I was laid off from a wireless ISP. At that time I had enjoyed working for ISP's for about 4 years or so. One major perk of working for the Internet provider was free access. I would guess it's like working at the M&M factory and getting to take home rejects!

As of 2002, I hadn't payed for Internet access since I bought my dial-up connection in 1996. In fact in I had a free 3Mb wireless link on my roof. At that time, this was unreal bandwidth. We had an office with 3 PC and both Patricia and I had laptops and a wireless LAN. What this meant was that ANYWHERE in our 2 story house Internet was accessible. Kitchen, living room, restroom, whatever. We were dripping in world wide webs.

When I was laid off, I was told I could keep the connection till the company asked for it back. Like a cheap severance package. I was so mad I darted up to the roof and ripped it off it's fancy chimney mount, and hauled it back to my old office, and we had been without broadband ever since.

We were genuinely happy without access for a long time. I would say it wasn't till I started blogging that I started saying, "Well this is a bit inconvenient." Either typing posts up at home and hauling them to work on a flash drive, or writing posts on company time.

As our friends blogging, Facebook and other social networking habits exploded out of control, my wife felt a bit out of the loop. She was starting to feel like some kind of a freak for her lack of access.

"Do you have a blog?"

"No"

"Do you Twitter?"

"No"

"MySpace?"

"No"

"Facebook?"

"No"

"Wow. Really? Well... what's your email address?"

"I don't have one."

"Excuse me?! Are you a real person!?"

Between Patricia and I, she is definitely more excited to be back online than I am. Though I must say, I'm very glad to be able to check my email, update my video games and blog from home. Of course now we have to worry about viruses and spyware for the first time in years.

All in all, now that we are both hooked back up to the Matrix, we have to ask ourselves, "How did we go that long without it?" Between, Netflix instant play videos, online gaming, eBay and social networking, we've got a bit of catching up to do. Yeah, we're back.

From The Editors Desk: Return of Fridays

Gentle Reader;

For those of you who read this posts title and were surprised to find out that Fridays had been missing, let me explain.

Fridays have yet to be removed from the calendar, but my old Friday posts or conversation Fridays, have been gone since April of 2007, save one post called "Tug of War" which was just an accidental conversation post.

I'm thinking I would like to try another stab at these. First because I was reading some of them, and they are extremely silly. I like silly. And second because I feel as though I might have some fresh ideas.

Any of you wishing to avoid any further silliness, might want to steer clear of Fridays. Additionally I cannot promise that there will be no further post about eating dogs or other unusual topics. Whatever pops in, will be typed. You have been warned.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

Kludge
Editor and Chief

Selling It All

eBay is awesome. Let's just start off by saying that. I love eBay. Like many good things that I've discovered, only after everyone else on the planet is bored with them, I wonder how I've gotten on this long without them. I would add things like, Netflix, woodworking, talk radio, and buttered popcorn jelly beans.

eBay apparently was named as a satirical nod to the Ebola virus, of all things. Apparently the programmer wanted it to spread in a similar manner. Well, it did. The first item sold is rumored to have been a broken laser pointer. It was snatched up for almost 15 bucks by someone who, "collected broken laser pointers." This first sale aptly set the precedent for the entire site. A great place to unload your junk on some nutter that you neither understand nor care to. As long as the payment comes through, you can consider them a ,"Good customer, who I would be happy to do business with again! A+ buyer!"

I have found that I can sell almost anything that I can put in a shipping box. Someone, somewhere wants it. No matter how small, worthless or inconsequential, someone will buy it. Those 'someones' all live on eBay. Due to this fact, I've totally lost my grip on reality. I'm a selling fool. What started as a method for me to sell off parts from a tool that I bought has grown into a full fledged sickness. I like money. There, I said it. I like getting rid of things I don't want and getting money in return.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY, MONEY!

It's like a new drug! I'm selling anything that's not nailed down. We were cleaning out the office a few weeks back. I sold, a board game, a set of salt and pepper shakers an old Game Gear I've had since junior high and bizarre piece of aluminum. I've sold both of our old Nintendo game systems, and I'm scouring the garage for more stuff that I can shove into a 5"x11"X2" flat rate box, and label in eBay as, "A great bargain."

It doesn't matter if it's needed, special or essential to my daily operation. If I think I can sell it and no one can physically stop me, it goes on eBay. I'm one small step shy of rummaging through the neighbors trash can, for great 'finds'. So there you have it. As with just about anything that I try, I've dived in head first and completely buried in obsession. Why is it that I can never address anything from a firm moderate stance? Who knows. "How Much Do YOu THINK I CAn GeT For My SpARe VIDeO Card CoLLECTION?!"

Puking Pastimes

When most people think of sickness, they think about colds. You know the typical runny nose, feet in hot water and wrapped up in a blanket. This is the first picture, at least in my minds eye, when I hear, "I'm feeling sick."

What you generally don't picture is yourself huddled in a heap on the restroom floor, vomiting your kidneys out your mouth. In general kidneys should not be seen, much less hurled out of your body at mach 2 where they then adhere to the bathroom walls. It is after something like this happens that you begin to say to yourself, "I think I might be sick." Right before you pass out with your head resting comfortably on the toilet.

Now I believe that I'm standing with the majority of the male sex, when I say, "I hardly ever get sick." I believe that many men believe this. It offends us to pretend that we fall victim to illness as easy as the 'weaker sex' does. At the very least we want to believe that it takes us less time to convalesce than our female counterparts.

I mean to say, what is the point of being male if it doesn't come with some advantages? So when I found that I indeed had the same illness I that I had witnessed my wife and two daughters endure the night before, I wept. I did so silently, so as no one would hear me.

It was a long night last night, that didn't really end until about 3:30 this morning. I'm feeling better. How could I not be. Currently I'm sitting at my desk, typing, instead of peering into the shiny reflection of my distorted features at the bottom of a porcelain bowl. I would be hard pressed not to be feeling better. Sure I'm a little queasy still, and I'm sure I be avoiding any food that isn't labeled "nasty salty watered down soup", but at least the worst is over. And in a few days time I can once again pick up my manly mantle and proclaim to the world, who is none the wiser.

"Me? I never get sick."

Vacations

I just came back from a very nice vacation. We had a lovely time, after I stopped trying to control the spinning of the Earth on it's axis and learned to relax. Not completely relax mind you, just enough to have "a good time". This was a major milestone for me. I'm a necrotic obsessive control freak, and that's putting in nicely.

We did have some rough times, like the lowest point of my parenting career so far, having to administer a spanking in the middle of the 'Happiest Place On Earth'.

My youngest daughter pitched a fit in Toon Town while finding navigating from point A (Goofy's front yard) to point B (Goofy's living room) a challenge. Since I knew the way, past Roger Rabbits wrecked cab, I attempted to show her. She screamed and ran off at full speed into the 50,000+ crowd. After a spirited chase, a well placed "whap!" and the horrified looks from permissive parents in all directions, I got a, "I'm sorry Daddy" and a new understanding of the joys of over stimulation.

Sea World, San Diego Wild Animal Park and Universal Studios, might have been too much to try and bite off all at once. I think this was evident when Patricia and I had a "Sea World Divorce" for about 2 hours. I got Alexis, and Patricia got Hannah. Luckily we made amends, somewhere near the Sea Lion arena.

Vacations can sometimes get rough. For the most part the end of the vacation was better than the beginning. We had a real blast at Disneyland and California Adventure park. Everyone had fun, and there were lots of us. Myself, Patricia, Hannah, Alexis, Antie Chrissy, Uncle Gosh, Anut Kath-a-leen, Eric, Grammy, Grandma and Grandpa. What a troupe! I have spent more time of the tea cups, Winne the Pooh (I still have the Heffalumps and Woozles song stuck in my head), and Pinocchio than I ever thought possible.

Funny story about Pinocchio. After 20 minutes in line with a perfectly behaved 2 1/2 year old, she finally realized that we had been waiting for a ride, and not naming the color of everyone's shirt that was in line. She freaked out. We could not get her on the ride and Patricia took her out of line, right at the boarding. This meant than I rode the Pinocchio ride with my sister-in-law and her husband. 3 grown ups, no child, riding Pinocchio. The Pinocchio ride is not worth a 20 minute wait.

There are lots of stories to tell, but I think that's enough for now. I leave with this last little gem. Hannah, with Auntie Chrissy, Uncle Gosh, and all three Grandparents watched the Golden Horseshoe Review, while we took Alexis on rides. At the end of the review, she apparently was dissatisfied, as she proclaimed, "I want my money back". I'm not sure what spawned this, but I'm glad I missed it!