Happy Tuesday

Happy Tuesday. How do you do?
Happy Tuesday. I’m fine, and you?
I’m thinking ‘bout the weekend
Yes, I agree. Me too.

No one ever cared for Tuesday
A point I simply say
Tuesday’s insignificant
Not black or white. Just gray.

Monday it kicks off the week
And is nothing short of bleak
Friday its antithesis
Gateway to the end you seek

But Tuesdays are just there
Like an ever steady “fair”
Free of spirit, praise or hate
So what. Another stark affair

Happy Tuesday. How do you do?
Tuesday? Are you sure? Say’s who?
It’s Wednesday, see? Happy Wednesday!
See if that helps to change your view.

-Peter Brown 2007

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Letter To a Toy Manufacturer

Dear Toy Manufacturer,

Hello. I writing this letter because I need to get something off my chest. Normally I would take a bit of time to inquire after your well being or thank you for whatever service you render. I just want to say, that while I wanted to do these things, I could think of nothing polite to say. I’m sorry.

I hate your guts. That seems a bit harsh. Let me try it again, I think you’re vile, festering excuse for a human being. Again, I apologize, this isn’t going as well as I’d hoped. I don’t want you to think that this is how I normally act. That is assuming you are still even reading this letter, given that I assume you have an unbelievably short attention span. Clearly any one producing toys today must. I’m a sane rational man, who tries to be level headed and clear minded. I like to try and approach issues from a detached emotional standpoint. It’s just that where your products are concerned, I have trouble doing so.

As an adult I have trouble remembering what I played with at one and two years of age. I imagine there were many brightly colored objects. Cups, blocks, rings and other highly stimulating shapes that excited my rather spongy infant brain. I can only imagine what my parents must have endured at the end of the nineteen seventies. Plastic toys they had to assemble, and colorful mechanical cars that whistled and beeped when you wound then up. How annoying to have all those things under their feet. Up until I became a parent I could empathize for them. You, Mr. toy manufacturer, have changed all that.

My folks never had to endure the slow brain deterioration that my wife and I must go through on a daily basis. I’m talking about your battery powered, intelligence pathway driven, implanted microchip talking toy series. Because of you and your creative circuit circus, I’m losing my mind! I cannot move in my house without some object singing, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” , asking one of my daughters for a hug or just letting out some freakishly demonic toy like laughter. I’ve heard “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes” one million five hundred and seventy-two times. I have strong urges to smash little talking tea pots.

I then considered abandoning all the talking, singing, laughing and otherwise annoying toys. I figured on some normal stuffed animals that just sat there. Maybe some plastic cause and effect toys, or just bits of rocks for them to look at. The trouble is there isn’t a toy that doesn’t do, play or say something. It seems that people who can't accept this, are just living in the past. I then decided to just persevere by scheduling some quiet time,every once in a while, by turning some of them off. You, in your infinite wisdom, neglected to add off switches to your toys. Cute. Additionally all batteries are secured to the toy with a twenty eight screw panel, to test our parental endurance and make sure we never remove the power without an hour or so of free time.

Anyway, if you see a strange man coming to your manufacturing plant in the dead of night with a pickup truck full of gasoline cans, a box of matches and a good pair of running shoes, pay him no attention. He’s just blowing off some steam.

Sincerely yours,
Peter “Little Teapot” Brown

Lazy Thursday Blues: Why Game 2

Welcome to another edition of the Lazy Thursdays Blues. The Caption game has been going good, but I'd thought I'd break it up again with another try at why.

It's pretty simple I enjoyed your answers from the last time we played. I call it the Why Game. This isn't like that annoying game you play with a six year-old. Instead I will pose a question and you will give me an answer. If you know the real answer, post it, if not just have fun. The only real rules are these two:

1. As always, keep it clean.

2. No looking up the real answer.

So let's give it a try! Remember this is less an exercise of WHAT you know but more in your wit or creativity!

"Why do pigeons bob their heads?"

Here's one to get you started

Little is known about the city pigeon population except what we learned from Burt. Pigeons are pacifist by nature and are always practicing their agreeable nature with everything around. People, other pigeons, worms or whatever.

Tackling Idioms

Anyone who has ever had to learn English as something other than their primary language, has had to struggle through the task of discerning idioms. As a public service I've decided to do my small part to help out. Consider the below as a small but helpful reference for a handful of idioms. It's intended for those who are still having trouble understanding these unusual and rather unique forms of communication.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth“ - In the early part of the seventh century horses were still to be allowed to take part in various trades and compete directly with humans. Trades such as cooks, salon owners and gift wrappers. Horse gift wrappers or gift horses, wrapped beautiful presents, and were quite sought after. They used their teeth and tongues to wrap. As a matter of fact many humans looking to usurp their roles, tried to learn these skills. Horses re-acted by not wrapping gifts for any human caught trying to steal these tricks of the trade. Hence the phrase, “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth“ At that time this was a popular way of saying, just enjoy the wrapping and don’t try and steal the secret. A simple lesson in being content. In fact, up until the Great Equestrian Revolution of 1052 when humans finally realized horses could be used for hard labor and transportation, horses enjoyed many human benefits. They owned houses, gardened and had monogrammed feedbags. Their only major disadvantage was not being able to remove a bit and bridle with that nimble tongue and agile set of teeth.

“Getting down to brass tacks" – This is very simple idiom. It means simply to get going, or get down to business. It comes from the nest building habits of the severely speckled horn tooter. The Horn Tooter, or simply Tooter for short, makes a nest completely out of brass tacks. As such, they tend to settle down near millinery and furniture repair shops. The point is the Tooter, would much rather toot it’s horn than care for it’s young. So as soon as the eggs hatch the little fellas learn to fly in a remarkably short period of time, or die trying. Severely Speckled Horn Tooters are very rare.

“Pie in the sky” - When commercial airlines first got started there was a bit of incision about what to serve for snacks on shorter flights. Most people believed that pretzels or peanuts would be the easiest but Earnest Bortman had another idea. He suggested a slice of pie for every passenger. Though many argued that this was neither convenient nor feasible Bortman would not be dissuade. This might also because he held large amounts of stock in giant pie distribution company. Who can guess? Anyway Bortman pitched the idea to every airline he could find and he was eternally optimistic about the outcome. In the end he became a laughing stock, but he will always be preserved by this idiom of wishful thinking.

I hope I have helped out in some small way for everyone wishing to know more about this truly unique language called English. And of course for anyone who is of a less then than trusting nature, please feel free to visit here, here and here.

Letter To The Non-Caffeinated

Dear Non-Caffeinated;

I hope this letter finds you well, though I have to say I believe that is a false hope. I honesty I’m not sure when I should be sending this letter to you. Are you awake as long as those of us who choose to par-take of the joys of caffeine? Do you start the day as I do with alertness and awareness? I really haven’t got any idea. Do you just past the day in the restless sleep of those who have never understood, let alone held or sipped at joy?

I have to say I would be hard pressed to live a life as horribly misshapen as yours. I feel pity and sorrow, first for your lack of attentiveness and second for the inexplicable hesitance you feel towards happiness. Please feel free to read this more slowly or in bits more fitting for your state of concentration. You could also have some caffeinated person read it to you, if you find it too much work for one morning.

Before diving in much further I suppose you are wondering why I’m writing. This is simple. I wish to offer an olive branch to you, from my people. Are you still reading this? Did you doze off? Should this letter be shorter so that you can concentrate? As you can see, there is still a lot about your kind that my people do not understand. Currently you serve mostly as an example, or illustration for my people. The sort of folks who scoff at bliss, the way the Amish do at technology. You help us realize that if we were to fall into the same trap as you, we might not wake some morning, in a groggy decaffeinated haze. Additionally our digital watches might be missing. The thought is truly terrifying.

Again to return to the point at hand. I wanted to start this conversation because of the obvious breech between our peoples. My people hang out in coffee shops, go to work, and stay up past nine O clock at night. What about you? Did you know that the sun sets every night and a mass called the moon comes out in its wake? It’s the truth I assure you! It is really quite lovely. I suppose you could have heard about it from some of your caffeinated co-workers. What do you do for fun? I cannot imagine. Sleepwalking? I really don’t know.

I have heard of your people talking about our addiction to caffeine. I suppose this is true, we are addicted to it. As a point of information though, I wanted to point out the possible incorrect conclusions you might be drawing. Do you know that caffeine is readily available and is not an illegal in any country? You are aware that there are massive amounts of the stuff in a variety forms to suit all tastes? Did you also know that it brings fulfillment, is relatively inexpensive and is completely available? If so, why would being addicted to it be viewed as a bad thing? This brings to mind two other substances we are also both addicted to, water and breathable air. I hope you don't try and kick either of those habits soon.

I hope I have made my point obvious? I apologize if I have gone to fast for you. There is no reason, beside a possible medical one, why not to consume some form of caffeine. Even those people with medical issues, I would imagine, would be happier with a shorter caffeinated life, than a longer deprived existence. Though in the end that is only an opinion.

Sincerely yours;

Peter Brown
Severely Over-Caffeinated

Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 17

I was going to play the why game this morning, but it seems that I've run dry. I poured all my creativity into a the caffeine pants post yesterday and nothing was left for this morning. I tried to turn on the funny faucet and I just got a trickle...so..

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. It's a bit grim, but I like to believe everyone was okay.

As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.

Here's one to get you started!:
Bus driver's first day with his new iPod!


Stuff I found this week:

Thanks to Puddleglum for this cool link! Chimpage Generators
Be sure to let us know what you come up with!

Black and White Twins Believe it or not!

Roomba like Lawnmower! - Sweet!

Caffeine Pants!

A Caffeine Revolution! Check them out at Legal Additive Stimulants. My last ditch effort to save a dying blog!

Come and play in the caffeine playground one last time, before I run an interstate bypass through the center of it!

Order Now!

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I love fun gadgets! Infomercials were easily one of my favorite programing choices. There is just something so comical about bad actors, ridiculous products and outrageous claims all mixed together that makes for a very enjoyable half hour of entertainment. I mean how many times can one person pretend to act surprised about a Magic Bullet?

“The Magic Bullet makes soup Jan!”

“NO!”

“Jan, The Magic Bullet, turns normal sugar into powdered sugar!”

“HOW Dan!? Is that amazing! Is it really magic Dan?”

“Listen to this Jan. The Magic Bullet will also clean up your kitchen for you! And that patch of weeds in your garden...”

And then the price game starts! This might be my favorite part of the whole performance! Why would anyone spend sixty dollars on an item that they’ve never seen in person? Because in the ad it started at one hundred and twenty bucks!

“Jon, How much would you be willing to pay for these amazing onion goggles?”

“They’re the best kitchen solution in decades Bill, I’d easily pay seventy-five dollars!”

“Well your not going to spend seventy-five dollars, or seventy-four dollars or even seventy-two fifty!”

“Seventy-two dollars!?”

“That’s right, but with shipping and handling it should be quite a bit more.”

“For these cheap plastic goggles? What a deal!”

When you do get infomercials items home, they’re never quite as good. I mean we had a food dehydrator but hardly ever used it. When it came down to it our jerky meat wasn’t sitting out in a glass dish, ready to just add to the dehydrator like it was on the television. Who wants to spend the time making the fruit paste required to make 'home made' fruit roll ups when they're only fifty-nine cents at the supermarket?

How about the day you realized that in order to chop onions in the astounding chopper, you had to cut them into small pieces first. Doesn't that defeat the point? Additionally, no matter what they tell me, I have no need for a knife that can cut both the metal head of a hammer and slice a tomato to near transparent proportions.

So now you've spent way too much on a plastic gadget that will fill up more cupboard space and be used less than you ever dreamed possible. Such is life. Consider not that you spent too much on a cheap product, but rather that your money is going to keep quality programing on the air!

Defeat?

I'm contemplating the demise of Legal Addictive Stimulants...

...Would anyone notice? I had a notion to maybe give one last try with it, but maybe it's not worth my time. Please take a moment or two and share your opinion if you are so inclined.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

Kludge
Editor and Chief
kludgespot.blogspot.com