Letter To The Creator Of Pizza

Dear Pizza Creator-

I wanted start off by telling you that I have no idea where I should be sending this correspondence. It seems that while many folks have claimed this title, few people live in any certainty of your validated existence. The Ancient Greeks, Byzantines and some guy in NY all claim a controlling stake in the great pizza creation debate. Personally I don't really care, I was just curious where I should direct this letter. This will simply save me on stamps.

I suppose in a way, all the false creditors of your pizza creation makes a fitting tribute to your dish itself. Not only is it so wildly popular that everyone on the planet is aware of it, but many believe they were the first to blaze this creative culinary crossroads. Additionally it's hard to dispute someone's claim of dreaming up the idea of putting tomatoes and cheese on bread. It's really not that groundbreaking of a concept.

In this simplicity hides a truth so fundamental we often glaze over it. Something doesn't have to be complex to be outstanding. Sometimes it's the simple ideas are the most revolutionary. Concepts like gravity, individual equality and that melted cheese on bread can constitute an acceptable meal or even a chain of successful restaurants.

Pizza is also so modular. It's basically the Italian sandwich equivalent. Where as something from the French like say, Pot au Feu or foie gras is famous for it's immutability. If foie gras was ever not fatty goose liver it would cease to be foie gras. Not so with pizza. It's choices make for endless enjoyment in what it is. I personally could enjoy a chicken pizza with equal love to a standard supreme pie. You can have it thin, thick, deep dish, covered in meat, vegetarian, Neapolitan, even with or without cheese. It is all still pizza. Save possibly a greasy cardboard like disc from Pizza Hut. From this point we will do our best to pretend it does not exist and I did not bring it up. Your legacy is still strong despite a few bad eggs.

Your pizza also brings up strong emotions. Could you imagine when you first spread that cheese on your pounded flat bread that it would grip people in such a fashion? There is a story that King Ferdinand I once dressed as a commoner, snuck into a poor section of Naples just to have a bite of your famous pie. It seems Queen Isabella decided as it was considered a poor mans food it wasn't up to snuff in the royal court. Now you can find it anywhere. In fact it is the most popular food in the world. The Beatles of food. Hows that for your creations meager beginnings?

Pizza also brings people together. How many other meals are as easily shared as pizza? Cut into slices and littered with a variety of toppings, pizza is perfect for anyone. In fact it's so crazy popular now that if you are a restaurant that makes pizza, people just expect to to bring it to them! I cannot think of any other food where that accommodation is presumed. Only for your lasting idea.

So, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms creator, you know who you are and you did real good. From a world of happy tomato pie eaters, let me simply say, thank you!

Sincerely,
Peter "Sausage, Mushroom, Olives, Onions, Peppers and Extra Cheese on Thick Crust" Brown

Letter to 2009

Dear 2009;

Yuck. Nasty, real nasty. Yes sir, that really stunk, I mean that was some pretty foul stuff there my newly appointed friend. I am of course referring to your predecessor good old 2008. I had pretty high hopes for 2008. 2008 took them all, covered them with refuge and left them out in the hot sun to soar and decay. Thanks alot 2008. Those were only my hopes and dreams.

2009, luckily for you, after a year like that one, I don't expect too much.

I'm afraid that this is were the good news ends. Turns out I'm not the only one who has expectations from you, though I'm certain most haven't taken the time to write. (Please remember that wen doling out any bounty you may find yourself in excess of. You and I are one, okay? We're buds right? shhh... don't tell anyone one else. You're the man! No you are!!!) Ahem...I digress.

As I was saying, it seems that half of population sees this as the year of "Change". Right. You 2009, are the herald of the future, the bringer of good, the year of the enlightening, and all that other jazz. If you let yourself bask in the glory of yourself, you will so find it difficult not to be impressed with you. I mean you are the year of "Change"

I think you are a slimy rotten pig. (Just kidding, we're pals still right?!) I'm not generally accustomed to saying those things to one so young, but you should hear it from someone. (Why not a friend?!) 2008 was rotten sticking corpse decomposing on my front porch. From Olympics, to Politics, to Finances, 2008 got just about everything wrong. It's hard to watch a year go down the toilet and not be slightly bitter. I'm afraid you look too much like 2008 to be anything new. I'm having trouble believing in you 2009. You've already had a hand in scandal and bloodshed with nary a few days under your belt.(Not a criticism, just an observation chum!)

Oil is still rising, stocks are still falling, the middle east is as turbulent as ever and Socialism is on the march to the capital. Where is this "Change" you speak of? (This is just a general statement. It's not an inquisition or nothing. Best Friends Forever don't do that to each other!)

Feeling slightly broadsided are we? Understandable. Just a few days ago, we were laughing, smiling and toasting to your arrival. We sang songs and laughed the night away in joyful bliss at your dawn. Well now you're here. And we wouldn't be laughing toasting or kissing again till the eve of your death. (I mean others will, not me. I'm always here for you!)

It's a vicious cycle kid, and you're going to have to grow up fast. So lets get the lead out chief and start divvying out some of this famous "Change" we've heard so much about.

Peter Brown
Optimistically Wary
2009

Letter To A Mac User

Dear Mac User;

Let me start by saying don't panic! This letter might seem long, but I assure it is very user friendly. I use easy to understand language and don’t get muddled up with difficult technical terms. Please keep reading, I promise you can do it. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to incorporate some stunning yet simple graphics into this note, but as I’m just a PC user, I don't understand such things.

I’m writing this to help you understand the main differences between what I am, a geek, and what you are a user. As a geek I have an inherent love of computers. When I say that, I want you to understand, that I’m for all machines that fit into that category. This is sort of how I imagine a car person feels about automobiles. I long to open the hood and tweak the manifold, or whatever parts you find under the hood of a car. I really wouldn’t know, I haven’t got a clue about cars. I just turn it on and it works. I like to drive but don't want to be bothered much past, keeping air in the tires and gas in the tank.

In this we are similar. Most Apple people I know really don’t like computers the way a mechanic likes cars. They just want to use it for typing or browsing their email, or accessing their iTunes, for their iPhone, or iPod on their iMac. Maybe some iWork, or iLife over their sleek Apple Airport on their iBook. Apples are computers for people who don’t like computers. This is fine, but please don’t pretend you have a clue how it works.

When I hear knocking under my cars hood I know I haven’t a prayer of fixing it. I certainly don’t tell the mechanic that he needs to adjust the timing on the piston ring, or zap the p ram, because this car is different than other cars that he is familiar with. It’s insides are special and they cost me more money. I paid this money not because I was had by the salesman, but because it’s a very pretty car that’s easy to drive and as such it is worth more. I should know, I read the marketing pamphlet at the auto retailer! It was very easy to follow.

Most Apple people I know are shocked to find out that some arcane and ridiculously old engine like Unix is actually the driving force that runs their stylish beast. I’m not sure which primal animal service pack is the newest machination of OS X but I’m sure it is the descriptive antithesis for the end users grasp of the Mac’s power. Using their absurdly simple single button mouse, they are clicking and dragging away on some Internet Safari to download Tiger, Panther or Leopard. They are unaware that the useless rectangle called a ‘keyboard’ sits sallow under a ever growing pile of dust. You might be surprised to know that the keyboard used in conjunction with the command line could unlock the true nature of your machine. Maybe if Apple replaced all those ‘complex’ letters with pictures and renamed it to iKey it would get more use.

Anyway the issue is that for so many years I’ve been making fun of Mac users, because first off you absolutely deserved it and second off you were touting this toy machine as a computer. Since the release of OS X, built on BSD, I find that I’m now a Macintosh computer expert. Additionally the Macintosh has moved from pre-school novelty to a system with real geek appeal. This fact is hard to come to grips with. Luckily none of you Mac users have any clue that something has changed. Which means that I can go right along abusing you and your computing habits. At least for that I’m thankful.

Sincerely Yours

Peter "CLI" Brown

Letter To Earl Of Sandwich

Dear Earl of Sandwich-

I pray this correspondence finds you well, I suppose it doesn’t truly matter as you are deceased. I wanted to send this letter earlier so it would reach you but seeing as you died in 1792, I suppose there was little hope of a timely delivery. You might be wondering why, after so many years had past, someone would take the time to write. I wanted to tell you of my undying love for your keen mind and creative intellect! I would like to let you know sir that your triumph lives on. It seems sir, that your invention has a place in eternity.

I wanted to let you know that your invention, the sandwich, holds a special place in my heart. When I was a lad I always took the condiment and meat stacking task to be one that had been done for eons. I was quite surprised to learn in my adolescence of the sandwiches origins. It seems while my colonial forefathers were beginning the task of asserting their rights, you sir were creating snacks that might have made those revolutionary's happy to stay within England's grasp.

The sandwich sounds so simple, bread, meat, cheese, bread. Add some spread, pickles, tomatoes or what ever you fancy and something miraculous happens. The thing is greater than the sum of its parts. It amazes me this hadn’t been stumbled upon sooner. Imagine what culinary delights were missed by previous generations. A nice cold cut of mastodon rump served with honey on a crunchy nut bread. Were it be that you were born years before! Who knows if the time would be right though, or your influence wide enough. Maybe your invention would have just fizzled into obscurity!

I cannot think on a world without the sandwich. Would we know what to do with Thanksgiving leftovers, rough cut roast beef or even the lowly baloney? We owe you quite a bit. Delicatessens, corner sub shops and even a popular comic strip are devoted followers of you sir. I have been told that the invention was due to a lack of restraint on you part. That because you spent long hours at the gambling table and didn’t want to break for supper. You asked to have you meal assembled in a more gambling friendly fashion, and so the sandwich was born. Is this true?

I generally do not approve of gambling, and believe that little good can come from it. Mostly it tortures souls, leaves people wanting and creates an addiction to greed. Additionally it leaves many people penniless, and unhappy. Once I discovered that the sandwiches origins might be at all connected with this vile affliction, I paused. I decided if something as good as the sandwich could come from it, than it couldn’t be all bad. At least all that suffering hasn’t been in vein. I can now get a ham and swiss on rye, so I suppose it all worked out in the end!

So here’s to you, the 4th Earl of Sandwich, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Sincerely;
Peter Brown

PS. Sorry to be the one to tell you but they renamed the Sandwich islands. I for one thought it was a travesty and think Hawaii is a ghastly name.

Letter To a Toy Manufacturer

Dear Toy Manufacturer,

Hello. I writing this letter because I need to get something off my chest. Normally I would take a bit of time to inquire after your well being or thank you for whatever service you render. I just want to say, that while I wanted to do these things, I could think of nothing polite to say. I’m sorry.

I hate your guts. That seems a bit harsh. Let me try it again, I think you’re vile, festering excuse for a human being. Again, I apologize, this isn’t going as well as I’d hoped. I don’t want you to think that this is how I normally act. That is assuming you are still even reading this letter, given that I assume you have an unbelievably short attention span. Clearly any one producing toys today must. I’m a sane rational man, who tries to be level headed and clear minded. I like to try and approach issues from a detached emotional standpoint. It’s just that where your products are concerned, I have trouble doing so.

As an adult I have trouble remembering what I played with at one and two years of age. I imagine there were many brightly colored objects. Cups, blocks, rings and other highly stimulating shapes that excited my rather spongy infant brain. I can only imagine what my parents must have endured at the end of the nineteen seventies. Plastic toys they had to assemble, and colorful mechanical cars that whistled and beeped when you wound then up. How annoying to have all those things under their feet. Up until I became a parent I could empathize for them. You, Mr. toy manufacturer, have changed all that.

My folks never had to endure the slow brain deterioration that my wife and I must go through on a daily basis. I’m talking about your battery powered, intelligence pathway driven, implanted microchip talking toy series. Because of you and your creative circuit circus, I’m losing my mind! I cannot move in my house without some object singing, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” , asking one of my daughters for a hug or just letting out some freakishly demonic toy like laughter. I’ve heard “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes” one million five hundred and seventy-two times. I have strong urges to smash little talking tea pots.

I then considered abandoning all the talking, singing, laughing and otherwise annoying toys. I figured on some normal stuffed animals that just sat there. Maybe some plastic cause and effect toys, or just bits of rocks for them to look at. The trouble is there isn’t a toy that doesn’t do, play or say something. It seems that people who can't accept this, are just living in the past. I then decided to just persevere by scheduling some quiet time,every once in a while, by turning some of them off. You, in your infinite wisdom, neglected to add off switches to your toys. Cute. Additionally all batteries are secured to the toy with a twenty eight screw panel, to test our parental endurance and make sure we never remove the power without an hour or so of free time.

Anyway, if you see a strange man coming to your manufacturing plant in the dead of night with a pickup truck full of gasoline cans, a box of matches and a good pair of running shoes, pay him no attention. He’s just blowing off some steam.

Sincerely yours,
Peter “Little Teapot” Brown

Letter To The Non-Caffeinated

Dear Non-Caffeinated;

I hope this letter finds you well, though I have to say I believe that is a false hope. I honesty I’m not sure when I should be sending this letter to you. Are you awake as long as those of us who choose to par-take of the joys of caffeine? Do you start the day as I do with alertness and awareness? I really haven’t got any idea. Do you just past the day in the restless sleep of those who have never understood, let alone held or sipped at joy?

I have to say I would be hard pressed to live a life as horribly misshapen as yours. I feel pity and sorrow, first for your lack of attentiveness and second for the inexplicable hesitance you feel towards happiness. Please feel free to read this more slowly or in bits more fitting for your state of concentration. You could also have some caffeinated person read it to you, if you find it too much work for one morning.

Before diving in much further I suppose you are wondering why I’m writing. This is simple. I wish to offer an olive branch to you, from my people. Are you still reading this? Did you doze off? Should this letter be shorter so that you can concentrate? As you can see, there is still a lot about your kind that my people do not understand. Currently you serve mostly as an example, or illustration for my people. The sort of folks who scoff at bliss, the way the Amish do at technology. You help us realize that if we were to fall into the same trap as you, we might not wake some morning, in a groggy decaffeinated haze. Additionally our digital watches might be missing. The thought is truly terrifying.

Again to return to the point at hand. I wanted to start this conversation because of the obvious breech between our peoples. My people hang out in coffee shops, go to work, and stay up past nine O clock at night. What about you? Did you know that the sun sets every night and a mass called the moon comes out in its wake? It’s the truth I assure you! It is really quite lovely. I suppose you could have heard about it from some of your caffeinated co-workers. What do you do for fun? I cannot imagine. Sleepwalking? I really don’t know.

I have heard of your people talking about our addiction to caffeine. I suppose this is true, we are addicted to it. As a point of information though, I wanted to point out the possible incorrect conclusions you might be drawing. Do you know that caffeine is readily available and is not an illegal in any country? You are aware that there are massive amounts of the stuff in a variety forms to suit all tastes? Did you also know that it brings fulfillment, is relatively inexpensive and is completely available? If so, why would being addicted to it be viewed as a bad thing? This brings to mind two other substances we are also both addicted to, water and breathable air. I hope you don't try and kick either of those habits soon.

I hope I have made my point obvious? I apologize if I have gone to fast for you. There is no reason, beside a possible medical one, why not to consume some form of caffeine. Even those people with medical issues, I would imagine, would be happier with a shorter caffeinated life, than a longer deprived existence. Though in the end that is only an opinion.

Sincerely yours;

Peter Brown
Severely Over-Caffeinated

Letter To A Sales Clerk

Dear Sales Clerk at Computer Store;

I know you must be surprised to be receiving this letter. I would guess you probably don’t get much mail at work. I want to start by saying I’m sorry for you. I’m sorry you’re in a job you cannot perform. Additionally that you have started to kid yourself, and your customers, into believing in skill that you neither possess, nor will ever acquire. I don’t mean any of this as a cut on you personally. I’m sure that there would be lots of places that your skills would be useful. Nothing comes to my mind right off the bat, but I’m sure we could find someplace for you outside the state mental system. Maybe you would be well suited for a career in management.

You might not remember me specifically as I’m sure the way we interacted yesterday is what you would consider, ‘quality customer service.’ People who are not in your position might call it something else, like annoying, stupid, or just plain imbecilic. Regardless I wanted to send you this letter to better help you in the future, or at least, purge the encounter from my system by writing it down.

When I came in the store, I was looking at computer parts and equipment. Additionally I spent some time browsing through video cards. I was doing this because, I enjoy to be near technology. It makes me happy to see all the equipment lined up on the shelf in pretty boxes and know what they are all for. I then picked up a video card box and started looking at the specifications. This was the point that we began our interaction. I’m sure that there are lots of elderly grandmothers buying video cards for their decrepit computers that could benefit from your expertise. I assured you I was fine and thanked you for your help.

This did not dissuade you from lying to me. You smiled, grabbed an expensive shiny box at random and began your dissertation. Your dissing array of manufactured knowledge was astounding. Even though I’ve been immersed in computing for over a decade, I’d never heard of the protocols and acronyms you rattled off. My favorite being APG ROM which sounds like a fantastic new invention from the future. Even the box itself was crying out with corrections on your ‘truths.’ When I called you on it, you merely shook your head as if to say, ‘Oh you poor soul. It’s a good thing I stopped by.” We chatted back and forth for a number of minutes before I could no longer stand it.

I thanked you again and left the store. I left not because I felt ashamed of being shown up by a lier, but because my brain was shrinking after our conversation. I wanted to get out of the store before I could no longer feed myself. Please don’t take this letter as a criticisms but as a warning from someone who longs for your own best interest. Please, get help. Soon. If nothing else, learn to say, ‘I don’t know.’ That would at least be a start.

Signed;
Peter Brown
Stupid Customer #183652

Letter to an HDTV

Dear HDTV;

I just wanted to start this letter by telling you that I wish you well and hope the best for your future. It appears for the most part that this wish is unnecessary, given all your new celebrity. I understand that you are pretty young and rambunctious and I believe that it might be possible that all this praise is going to your head. I understand that high definition is something ‘pretty swell’ but let me tell you as the voice of reason, any day a new super crisp or HDTV2 technology might come and shatter all your dreams to dust.

In order to avoid this you need to equip a dense fan base. Now might be the time to reach out to other crowds of people. Currently you have a strong backing of sporting fanatics. They all seemed rather enamored with you and your pixel count, but they are sports people, and in general, you will find that they only love you for what you show them, and not who you are. Geeks are quite different. We could spend hours just reading your spec sheet or polishing your screen. Geeks would love HDTV for what it is, a technological marvel, and not just a conduit to the ballpark. Most geeks, the real ones I mean, couldn’t correctly identify a major sporting event much less want to watch one in their living room.

This sounds great you say? You would like a cultish following of geek like zombies drooling over your resolution and dusting off your shiny surfaces? Want a user who knows the difference between hierarchical modulation and vestigial sideband modulation? I’m glad you’ve seen the light, but I’m afraid nothing is free. That sort of devotion doesn’t come cheap. If the geeks of the world are going to unite under the banner of HDTV your going to have to make some changes. I'm talking about your current commercials.

I have never heard a commercial for Star Wars on HDTV, or how many more hours of gaming your eyes can stand while playing in front of an HDTV. What I have heard about is how crisp the football jerseys look, how green the grass is, and how the popcorn vendor has some kind of a skin irritation. Like any of these things matter? Who cares if you can see that some human battering ram has a blank expression on his over abused face? In the end you have to ask yourself, ‘What am I getting a clear view of?” One guy getting the ball past the other guy, dancing in a rectangle? Or grown men slapping each other on the rumpus. Why would anyone what a clear few of that? I say, scrap the sports commercials and cater to the geeks.

In the end this isn’t a difficult petition, just a little understanding and time on your part to show you care about some of your future loyal customers. Really it’s the geeks that have the dough required to make extensive HDTV purchases anyway. This is just good business. Additionally we love all the gadgets, gizmo's and toys you want to be garbed in. Please consider what I’ve said and consider changing your current conduct accordingly. If you don't, the geeks of the world might revolt. This might not sound threatening, but remember when geeks get together in large numbers, new standards and technology emerge. Maybe even something that will usurp your coveted entertainment throne.

Your’s truly;
Peter Brown
Mid-ranking Geek Horde Member

Expectations

Dear 2007;

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m sorry we could not get acquainted earlier but I have been busy loafing around after my celebration of the end 2006. I don’t want to sound overly expectant as I’m sure a lot of people are but I’m eager to get to know what you have in store for me. Additionally I hope you don’t take this wrong but 2006 did a lot for me, and I was a little disappointed to see it had ended.

2006 saw the birth of my second daughter, a promotion and the beginning of a new affliction called blogging. 2007 you have quite a bit to live up to. Again, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I have barely known you and you have already cost me money. That is to say, because of you, I have had to void a couple of checks with the old year in the date field. As you are no doubt aware, checks are not free! I hope you keep that in mind as you begin divvying out this years dividends!

As I look out over the new 2007 calendars I received from 2006 I don’t foresee a lot of changes. It is up to you, 2007, to make sure you are more than a few obscure Canadian holidays and a lot of bold print numbers. You need to offer more than just making sure that 29 follows 28. I know you’re just starting off now and don’t feel you have many responsibilities. People were very happy to see you a couple of days ago and they were cheering in the streets. Screaming your name and kissing their loved ones. Don’t let this go to your head.

Celebrity is very fickle. Those same people will be cursing 2007 with only a few poor decisions on your part. There will be no party hats, no noisemakers and no confetti. There will be no tiny smoked sausages in an a bubbling Crockpot or a veggie platter with ranch dip. There will only be contempt, and the worst curse a year can get, rolling off of everyone’s tongue. “2007? I recall. Now that was a very bad year.” Following 2006 will not make your job any easier. 2006 was a very good year.

I’m not writing this to frighten you. I know that you are still quite young and innocent. I know that 2006 has laid some pretty large footprints down for you, but we all expect you can fill them properly. All I’m asking for, from you is a little early thoughtfulness. With any luck 2007 could be a very good year.

Humbly yours,
Peter Brown
January 2006 2007

Letters to the Void

Dear Starbucks Coffee Company;

I just wanted to mention how much my wife and I enjoy your coffee beverages. My wife and I have been long time patrons of your shops. We are more than happy to contribute our small part to the hulking tower of coffee commerce, that is Starbucks Coffee. The last time we decided to partake of the repast at your local drive thru store, I was surprised to say the least.

I just wanted to say thank you for allowing my wife and I the twenty minutes to sit in the drive thru line, and discuss things. Things like how our heads were pounding from the lack of caffeine, how we were nearly out of gasoline and that the car might idle itself dead. We also got to clear the air on some other ‘issues’ we had been discussing earlier. Additionally it gave my two young daughters, time to scream their lovely heads off about needing bottles, wet diapers, or whatever notions popped into their darling little heads.

Once we reached the order screen, I carefully recited my order to your employee, who seemed rather lonely. In fact she was lonely enough that she decided that she needed to chat about my order, and asked me to repeat it several times. I enjoyed this immensely and felt the practice did me well. I feel that I am now more qualified for repetitive assembly line work, or other mundane and mindless work, like working in food service for instance.

Once we reached the front I was overjoyed to learn of your new quality assurance methods. I was asked to sample my beverage “just to see if it tasted okay” while three employees watched. It is good to know that everyone was concerned for me. I burned my tongue, and then assured them that I wouldn’t be able to tell what it tasted like now, and thanked them for their ingenious solution to the problem.

My wife ordered an iced caramel macchiato, but your helpful employees, were thoughtful enough to serve her a hot drink instead, seeing at it was only seventy-five degrees or so outside. I’m afraid my wife was set on an iced drink, and had to request they changed it back. Still not satisfied with all the help they had already given us, they decided to give her an iced vanilla latte, just to expand her obviously limited pallet. We didn’t notice the change until we were on the road.

Please keep up the good work. I feel good to know that my ten dollars and thirty-seven cents went to into the coffers of such a caring, concerned, and considerate company.

Sincerely,


Peter P. Brown
Santa Rosa Ca.