More Death Less Caffeine: Revisted

What the hell? First my sendmail box is axed and now my coffee maker kicks the bucket? I mean sure we can manage with a Windows box taking over for smtp functions. We've all adjusted to meaningless event log entries, stupid glurge icons and pointless clicking through Microsoft menus, but my coffee pot? How much pain can one man endure!

My wife wakes me up the other morning.

"Hon, the coffee pot won't turn on."
"What?"
"Nevermind. It's fine."
"That's not funny!"
"Well it wasn't working but now it- no. wait."
"Patricia?"
"No. It's off again."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"Peter? Are you sobbing over a coffee maker?"

In many ways that coffee maker has shown me more love than most things in my life. It was always there for me. Always cheerful and completely dedicated. No whining, complaining or fiddling. You add some water, grounds and flip a switch. Minutes later, you get coffee. Hello! Here's for a little constancy in the life of a working man!

"It's 8:00 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 1:15 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"I love you."
"Peter are you hugging the coffee pot?"
"What?! Oh- Hey hon."
"When was the last time you showed me that much appreciation?"
"Maybe if you had a 12 cup carafe, charcoal filter and delayed brew feature..."

Anyway, for the last 7 years or so my coffee maker has been dedicated to my happiness. So I thought a memorial was in order.

"Where's the coffee maker?"
"I threw it out. It was broken"
"Oh. I was going to say a few words."
"Oh, give me a break Peter..."

More Death Less Caffeine

What the hell? First my sendmail box is axed and now my coffee maker kicks the bucket. I mean sure we can manage with a windows box taking over for smtp functions. We've all adjusted to meaningless event log entries, stupid glurge icons and pointless clicking through Microsoft menus, but my coffee pot! How much can one man endure!

My wife wakes me up the other morning.

"Hon, the coffee pot won't turn on."
"What?"
"Nevermind"
"Sigh. Okay, that wasn't funny!"
"Well it wasn't working but now it- no. wait."
"Patricia?"
"No. It's off again."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"Peter? Are you sobbing over a coffee maker?"


In many ways that coffee maker has shown me more love than most things in my life. It was always there for me. Always cheerful and completely dedicated. No whining, complaining or fiddling. You add some water, grounds and flip a switch. Minutes later, you get coffee. Hello, here's for a little constancy in the life of a working man!

"It's 8:00 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 1:15 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"I love you."
"Peter are you hugging the coffee pot?"
"What?! Oh- Hey hon."
"When was the last time you showed me that much appreciation?"
"Maybe if you had a 12 cup carafe, charcoal filter and delayed brew feature..."

Anyway, for the last 7 years or so my coffee maker has been dedicated to my happiness. So I though a memorial was in order.

"Where's the coffee maker?"
"I threw it out. It was broken"
"Oh. I was going to say a few words."
"Give me a break Peter..."

So three days without coffee is enough morning for anyone. Today is replacement day. Here's to another 7 seven years of coffee maker indentured servitude!

20 Signs You're Addicted To Caffeine

You get a headache if you don't have caffeine every day

You've never skipped a day to find out

You have a 23 second attention span

You have a monogrammed coffee scooper

You never speak in complete sentences

You sleep 3 hours every night, whether you need it our not

You have a Mt. Dew tattoo

You run everywhere

Walking makes you nervous

Actually, everything makes you nervous

You have more coffee mugs than plates

Workers at the coffee shop, start your drink before you order it

You've never met a double-shot of espresso you didn't like

You drink French Roast to come down

You don't do instant

If you ever did, you would never tell anyone

You buy your weekly soda supply at the warehouse store

You love bromated vegetable oil

Your leg involuntary shakes

You just spent the last 16 straight hours gaming and you still feel awake

Originally posted on Legal Addictive Stimulants

20 Reasons Why Coffee Is Better Than A Dog

Coffee doesn't poop.

Coffee will wake you up when you want, not the other way around.

You can bring coffee into any hotel room without extra charge.

Coffee doesn't shed on the furniture.

Coffee won't chase cats. Though you might if you've had too much coffee.

You never have to scold your coffee.

If you get some coffee on your pants, you won't be outcast for the rest of the day.

The best cup of coffee might cost you 6 dollars. The best dog, 6,000 dollars.

Coffee will never chase your car. Though if you leave your cup on someones roof, you might chase theirs.

When you take a walk with coffee, you don't need to bring a plastic bag.

If you French press your dog, you might get arrested.

Coffee can keep you up all night, and there might be barking, but it's different.

You never have to wonder where your coffee's tongue has been.

You can have seven cups of coffee in one room, and not one piece of furniture will get knocked over.

If you're curious what you're drinking, you can read the label, and not smell the cups behind.

You can have your coffee in any restaurant.

Coffee won't beg for table scraps.

Coffee smells good, even when watered down.

If you lose your coffee, you don't need to post a reward.

When you're done with coffee, you can just throw it away.

Originally posted on Legal Addictive Stimulants

The Last One?

Yesterday while sitting in my car, idling at the Starbucks Coffee drive thru line, I heard the strangest thing coming from the car behind me.

"Do you folks serve coffee here?"

"Yes"

"I want a coffee. What sizes do you have?"

"Tall, Large & Venti."

"Okay, I'll have a..."

Was I just witness to the last Starbucks holdout? Was it truly possible that there was a person living in America who had never been to a Starbucks before yesterday morning? How is that even possible? I found the prospect mind numbing. They didn't look like an alien, but I suppose that could be one explanation. In fact after yesterday morning, I'm more willing to accept the fact that aliens have landed on Earth, based solely on this fact that the mountain of silly photos and conspiracy theory's I've heard. Lets examine the facts together.

Even if they hadn't been before, because they either didn't like coffee, Starbucks or a little of both, I find it hard to believe they wouldn't know about the caffeine giant at all. The fact that they asked the "Do you folks serve coffee here?" question implies that Starbucks was a new concept to them. A total unknown entity.

I mean, the simple fact is, anyone living in my town HAS to see the Starbucks logo at least once a day. I can't drive anywhere in town with passing at least four Starbucks. In fact we have a spot where 2 shops are in the same mini mall, less than 200 yards apart! Add to the fact that they are both always busy! I mean, I think I can safely say, "Starbucks has caught on."

Additionally this person, this cave dweller, apparently cannot even read. Assuming for the moment that they made it through the last 15 years never seeing, hearing or passing any Starbucks. However absurd that sounds, we'll try and believe it. They, at the very least, should be able to see that they serve coffee. The word coffee is in the logo. It's like half the sign! In clear 54 point font!

So there it is. Were being invaded by aliens, or I just witnessed the most unlikely human in the nation. Either way the outcome is clearly astounding!

Caffeine Shower Head

The Caffeine Shower Head© is here! Tired of waiting for your cup of coffee to wake you up each day? Sick of stumbling around the house as your java cools? Bored with the novelty of the Caffeine Pants? Always on the lookout for the new and exciting? Well, your wait is over!

A new product from Really-Alert is here! The Caffeine Shower Head©!

The Caffeine Shower Head© works through a patented process crafted by highly educated engineers at Really-Alert! They call it a collaborative effort of over five years of research and development. You can simply think of it as magic! The real answer would probably scare you anyway. Know that The Caffeine Shower Head© has been tested on plenty of helpless animals and very poor student research volunteers! The caffeine is absorbed directed into your body as you get clean.

The Caffeine Shower Head© delivers over 20 milligrams of caffeine every minute. The average cup of coffee is about 150 milligrams, you don't need to take a long shower to get a good dose of 'Good Morning!' See the below chart for a useful guide of suggested caffeine absorption!


Order Now! The Caffeine Shower Head© might just be the greatest invention in history, or the platform for the largest class-action lawsuit this country has ever seen! Only time will tell!

Order yours today!

Caffeine Pants!

A Caffeine Revolution! Check them out at Legal Additive Stimulants. My last ditch effort to save a dying blog!

Come and play in the caffeine playground one last time, before I run an interstate bypass through the center of it!

Defeat?

I'm contemplating the demise of Legal Addictive Stimulants...

...Would anyone notice? I had a notion to maybe give one last try with it, but maybe it's not worth my time. Please take a moment or two and share your opinion if you are so inclined.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

Kludge
Editor and Chief
kludgespot.blogspot.com