Sick Of It

Today I am sick. Currently I'm recovering from a day of not being able to stand up, much less blog. I spent the day in pain and discomfort picturing little microorganisms in my stomach. When I did need to get somewhere I moaned my way there. Luckily I'm recovering faster than my wife, who had it first. My wife spent the better part of two days with worse conditions. I decided to be a good husband and stay home those two days. Luckily I decided to stay home for one last day, today. Otherwise known as the day that the roof fell in on me.

My wife caught this glorious bug from our eldest child. My eldest child probably got it from the nursery on Sunday. Which means that someone there brought it to share. Unlike Cheerios and Goldfish, viruses shouldn’t be shared. Now other children and parents that I possibly know, are enduring the same nasty flu thanks to this warm gesture of kindness. The same kindness that comes with chills, headache, upset stomach and cookie tossing joy!

In my current state I had a few moments of clarity. Moments that didn't involve writhing in unbelievable pain. During those times I thought about the post I didn’t get out today and the rather sick desire for a chili cheeseburger with garlic fries. Cleary this only furthered my nausea. Have you ever tried to reason with a flu-infected body, and make it stop thinking about chili cheeseburgers!

“Stop it! You’re killing me!!!”

“What would we get to drink?”

Mostly though I thought about tomorrow and how I hoped to be feeling better. I’ll be very happy tomorrow to be toiling away at my office, fixing problems from the last two days and sipping on a very small box drink of generic apple juice.

Honk At The Elderly

Tired of the same old games? Bored of concentrating on protected right hand turns or focusing on your parallel parking? Sick of having joy sucked from your heart why performing a complex three-point turn? Want to bring the fun back to the road? Wouldn’t it be nice to want to drive again? You’re in luck! I’ve discovered a new pastime that revisits the rapturous feeling the road once brought to you. I simply call it, Honk at the Elderly!

That’s right, it’s just that simple! Had a bad day? Want to get out your aggression? No problem! Are you just a prankster looking for a good time? Maybe you’re simply a vindictive jerk? Welcome! There is room for all!

So how do you play you ask? It’s simple. See an elderly person behind the wheel of a car, flail your arms and honk your horn! It’s just that easy! As you get better at this you can begin to add your own enhancements. Points for H.A.T.E. are accumulated in two ways. First is for the number of elderly piloted vehicles you honk at each day. These points are accumulated regardless of roadway offense. This is a very liberating rule, as you don’t need to wait for the elderly driver to make mistakes. Though from my personal experience if you do only honk at elderly people driving poorly, you can still amass a pretty fair number of points. Either way you will find yourself honking at Cadillac’s and Lincoln’s driving too slow, stopping at green lights and waiting for fire hydrants to cross at the crosswalk. I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy to be behind a meandering Mercury before this game. I almost get gitty inside when I realize that I’m stuck behind an elderly man riding his brakes uphill on a deserted road. I just grin, start pounding on my horn, and watch the points tick by.

The second way points are scored is by form. This is referred to as a Fancy Dan. A Fancy Dan is simply adding a flourish to your honk with either a personalized arm wave, well placed verbal slam or an acute car maneuver. A loud honk, with fists waving and then turning your car into a sideways screech is worth big time H.A.T.E. points!

Some folks might at this point be wondering if this new game might affect the feelings of the aforementioned elderly. Let me say right now that this is no concern whatsoever! You see, they don’t have a clue. How can that be you ask? Don’t they have a valid drivers license and a rear view mirror? Sure they do, but in the end while the elderly are allowed to drive they will pay not attention to you honking at them. Either they do not see or hear you or they just dismiss you as uninteresting. No one really knows what the elderly driver is thinking, but I can say that you can practice H.A.T.E. with no real repercussion from said elderly. So go out and Honk at the Elderly!

The Case

"There you are! What are you doing over here?”

“I’m on a case.”

“Oh. I see. Well...you were suppose to meet me at the food court remember? I sat there for twenty minutes before I had to give up my uncomfortable plastic seat to a screaming mother and her three feral children. I’m starved, can we go get something from Heathers House of Hunan?

“No.”

“I thought you liked Chinese? Fine, we can go to Corndog Heaven, or whatever you want. I’m crazy hungry! Wanna try Harold's Ham Hamlet?”

“I told you, I can’t go. I’m on a case.”

“Right Mike. Look, when did you start working for the police?”

“I’m not Mr Dawson.”

“Mr. Dawson? What, is Noah too casual for chatting with your best friend?”

“Please stop prattling on, I’m trying to think here.”

“Dude! What is wrong with you Mike?! Will you please tell me what is going on. I'm feeling a little confused.”

“[sigh] Fine. See the jewelry shop over there?”

“Where? ...oh yeah. So?”

“Well, apparently a diamond necklace went missing from the display case. The clerk screamed it out about half an hour ago and since then all the patrons have been asked to stay till the cops show up.”

“Why don’t they just check everyone’s pockets”

“Because you aren’t allowed to go around accusing everyone of a crime. Especially when everyone claims to be innocent. Anyway I’ve been sitting here going over it and I think I have it figured out.”

“Did you see who did it?”

“No, but I’ve been working on the possibilities.”

“I think you’ve been reading too many of those Sherlock Holmes books. Things don’t always work out the way they do in stories Mike. You know, real life can’t just be typed up and solved by a complete novice.”

“Sherlock Holmes wasn’t a novice!”

“Mike, listen to you! You sound like a nut! The guy wasn't real. It's fiction. Just because you read a couple of stories you think you can solve real crimes?”

“Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle wrote four novels and sixty short stories. Sherlock Holmes is a very complex character. I’m telling you Noah, the principles of the Sherlock Holmes stories can be applied to many modern crimes. The ideals of logic, hypothesis and deduction put forward in the books, are astounding. You should read some of them. I'll loan you a couple."

"Right now I'm not interested in anything that doesn't have a healthy portion of special sauce on it!"

"Well, he was an extremely intelligent character, who never over looked the most minute detail. Heck, I learned how to crack codes because of the story of “The Dancing Men” and then there’s the case about-”

“-I don’t care! Is this why I’m starving to death? So you can play detective?! Look, when the police get here, they will sort this out and they will not need your help to do it! Heck, I can probably do it myself!”

“Would you care to guess who the guilty party might be?”

“Yea, if it means we can go and you'll stop talking like that!"

"Once the police get here, we can go. I promise."

"Okay...uh...look at that guy on the end, with that woman. He’s probably the one, and she’s probably his accomplice! Yeah! Just look at him! He looks guilty...and she looks really upset! I bet he’s got it in his pocket and is trying to find a way to get rid of it before the police come.”

“Is that your official guess?”

“Yes.”

“Your wrong."

"How can you be so sure!?"

"First off, it'd bet that woman is his wife. See both their wedding bands?”

“Yeah...”

“Second, he’s uncomfortable because he was about to buy a set of pretty expensive earrings before his wife arrived.”

“So what?”

“Well, he was pretty surprised to see her, and if you’ll notice, her ears aren’t pierced.”

“Oh. You're right. Well...so who do think did it?”

“Ah! Look the police have arrived. I’m going to go tell them right now. I'll be right back!”

~~~

“Mike, I can’t believe you were right!”

“It was just a matter of simple logic and deduction.”

“Mike, honestly, how did you know if was the clerk? I mean he’s the one that alerted everyone else to the crime!”

“To cover himself of course. Plus there were other clues if you were looking for them.”

“That's amazing! Can you walk me through it?”

“Of course! It would be elementary my dear Dawson!”

Lazy Thursday Blues: Caption 15

It is once again Caption Thursday! I'll provide a picture and you provide the caption. This weeks picture makes my stomach ache! I would like to know how far he actually got!

As always we need to adhere to good taste. Please keep it clean.

Here's one to get you started!:
Jacob begins the meal with a few mouth stretching exercises.


Stuff I found this week:

Lawyer humor Actual court transcripts! Here's a sample:

Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

Ninja Mouse So far, I'm absolutely horrible at this one (score=13), but thought some might be better. It's a lesson in trajectory and jumping ninja rodents...

On Strike!

When my family purchased our first computer I knew very little about them. The gentleman who helped us get everything setup said an interesting thing to me.

"After many years of doing this," He stated in all earnest, "I have come to the point where I believe every computer has it's own personality."

At the time I dismissed this statement as a joke. It seemed both silly and lacked any real logic to it. After all, computers are extremely logical machines. They only do what we tell them to do. Sometimes we don't know what to tell and will augment that lack of ability with an overdose of conflicting commands or a few choice phrases directed at the inanimate object. They should not be able to comprehend these phrases. Generally it is the over clicking and incorrect commands that cause more computer issues than anything else.

Recently though, I have begun to wonder if David Smith really did have a point. It makes me think that maybe, the computers, servers, and other networking equipment in my office have some, rather severe, personality defects.

For apparently no reason yesterday a network server, tasked with delivering the office mail to the outside world, took an leave of absence. I tried to explain to it that, as a server, it was here to do my bidding and could not take a three hour break from it's duties. It responded by attempting to commit computer suicide. I then spent the better part of two hours last night trying to talk it down from the ledge.

"E-mail this! E-mail that! E-mail, E-mail, E-Mail! That's all I do! I want to try something new, maybe I could run some reports or something?"

"I'm sorry, it's no good."

"Then I'm checking out and taking the others with me! I've been talking to the Web Server and the File Server, we'll all go on strike!"

So I did what any caring network administrator would do. I pulled it's power, opened it's chassis, flushed it brains and reprogrammed it from scratch. I finished that yesterday about an hour after quitting time. With the mail server now running correctly, and on the equivalent of computer valium, I presumed that would be the last I would hear of the strike. Not so.

This morning, for no reason that I have yet identified, our Internet filter started blocking web traffic. All web traffic. It's job is to stop users from going to sites that are harmful or inappropriate. This morning it decided that google, msn, cnn and sesamestreet fit into this category. It was like a crazed cop arresting jay walkers. I tried everything to give it orders to allow these websites through it's ever closing net of enforcement. In the end I just had to ship it off the funny farm. I removed it from the network and carried it out of the server room, so it couldn't influence the others. It sits in my office doubling as a nine thousand dollar footrest until it can figure a way to properly treat it's psychosis.

I can only hope that the dissidents weren't successful in rallying others to their cause. I remember hearing somewhere that, superstitious people believe bad things come in threes. I’m not by any means superstitious. Still I'm not going to let my guard down. Until I know for sure, I will believe that for the rest of this week, the computers might at any time, resume their strike!

The Network is Down!

I got issues here today... The walls are falling down and I'm getting buried under the rubble. I'll try and post later but currently I have a number of network fires to quench!

Letter to an HDTV

Dear HDTV;

I just wanted to start this letter by telling you that I wish you well and hope the best for your future. It appears for the most part that this wish is unnecessary, given all your new celebrity. I understand that you are pretty young and rambunctious and I believe that it might be possible that all this praise is going to your head. I understand that high definition is something ‘pretty swell’ but let me tell you as the voice of reason, any day a new super crisp or HDTV2 technology might come and shatter all your dreams to dust.

In order to avoid this you need to equip a dense fan base. Now might be the time to reach out to other crowds of people. Currently you have a strong backing of sporting fanatics. They all seemed rather enamored with you and your pixel count, but they are sports people, and in general, you will find that they only love you for what you show them, and not who you are. Geeks are quite different. We could spend hours just reading your spec sheet or polishing your screen. Geeks would love HDTV for what it is, a technological marvel, and not just a conduit to the ballpark. Most geeks, the real ones I mean, couldn’t correctly identify a major sporting event much less want to watch one in their living room.

This sounds great you say? You would like a cultish following of geek like zombies drooling over your resolution and dusting off your shiny surfaces? Want a user who knows the difference between hierarchical modulation and vestigial sideband modulation? I’m glad you’ve seen the light, but I’m afraid nothing is free. That sort of devotion doesn’t come cheap. If the geeks of the world are going to unite under the banner of HDTV your going to have to make some changes. I'm talking about your current commercials.

I have never heard a commercial for Star Wars on HDTV, or how many more hours of gaming your eyes can stand while playing in front of an HDTV. What I have heard about is how crisp the football jerseys look, how green the grass is, and how the popcorn vendor has some kind of a skin irritation. Like any of these things matter? Who cares if you can see that some human battering ram has a blank expression on his over abused face? In the end you have to ask yourself, ‘What am I getting a clear view of?” One guy getting the ball past the other guy, dancing in a rectangle? Or grown men slapping each other on the rumpus. Why would anyone what a clear few of that? I say, scrap the sports commercials and cater to the geeks.

In the end this isn’t a difficult petition, just a little understanding and time on your part to show you care about some of your future loyal customers. Really it’s the geeks that have the dough required to make extensive HDTV purchases anyway. This is just good business. Additionally we love all the gadgets, gizmo's and toys you want to be garbed in. Please consider what I’ve said and consider changing your current conduct accordingly. If you don't, the geeks of the world might revolt. This might not sound threatening, but remember when geeks get together in large numbers, new standards and technology emerge. Maybe even something that will usurp your coveted entertainment throne.

Your’s truly;
Peter Brown
Mid-ranking Geek Horde Member

Bizarre Question Submission

I really enjoyed last Tuesdays post that not only exposed my geekdom, but made for a fun post to write. In this same vein if anyone would like to submit a question answered from a geeks point of view, I would welcome answering it. You may also submit it anonymously if you don't want to be relived in the same way Pastor Writebol was.

If I don't get any questions I will try and answer some SPAM I've been getting.

Maneuvers

I understand that for the most part men have it easy. Slacks instead of nylons, jeans instead of dresses and we get to wear loafers while women wear heels. In addition to these there are many others such examples of our ease. I submit that men wear hats while women use curling irons and of course, the simple fact that on mens shirts, buttons and button holes are both on the correct sides. This leaves very little room for men to complain about certain things pertaining to our sex. Don’t fret though women, we men will always persevere! I believe I have found the exception.

Wallets. Now at this point a fair number of women will begin listing why the wallet is so much simpler than the purse. In many ways I agree with you. The purse is not the simpler of the two containers. I will begin with a quick lesson in form.

First off I think it is safe to say that not all men have an exceptional sense of style, or what goes with what. It would not be surprising then to have an less than attractive wallet. The thing is that a wallet chosen in poor taste is not in the least life threatening. Most men have one wallet and use it till it wears out. In the end it doesn’t matter if it isn’t at the height of fashion because it is only visible for a minute at a time. Additionally even if it is say, the most hideous creation of mankind, most people will not see it. So fret not if your man choses and eel skin wallet with the phrase “Papa Bear” emblazoned on it’s front. Over it’s life time you’ll only see it for a combined total of thirty minutes or so. If you even do feel very uncomfortable about, just try and remember this, it’s got money in it. Anything that dispenses the dough to pay for dinner or a movie, in the end, is always in good taste.

A purse on the other hand is always visible, under constant scrutiny from the other women. You need to pick a purse that is tasteful enough for the occasion, and different enough to garner praise from your friends. Of course most women get around this by owning a myriad of said travel containers. This means that not only do you have to pick the right purse for the right outing your also need to pack it with everything you might need. Plus you have to recall which purse you brought so that when you leave the party you take the correct purse. The purse picking at the end of any get together is always of great time of entertainment for me. Men do not put their wallets in a pile at the front door and I cannot recall a time when I mistook another mans wallet as my own.

The second difference is one of form. A mans wallet is a finite space. Be it bi-fold or tri-fold it could only hold a certain number of articles. A man has to choose which credit cards, identifications, pictures and association slips he is going to carry with him. He cannot have everything. Many men have over stocked their wallet and then tried to casually carry this pregnant bulge in their back pocket unnoticed. It’s like keeping an elephant up your sleeve, when all is said and done, it’s just not worth the hassle.

Women, on the other hand, seem to have an infinite amount of room in their purse. It seems like they always have everything a body could want. That is, if the purse itself can be located. I have known women who at a moments notice could pull from their purse such necessary paraphernalia as a proof of ID, credit cards, checkbook, pen, pencil, marker, lipstick, gloves, address book, aspirin, sun glasses, reading glasses, scarf or a spare tourniquet. The trade off for such handy access to these items is extra back strain and poor posture from trying to keep it on your shoulder.

So how is it that I can claim that the wallet is so much worse than the purse? Simply this. Has anyone ever tried to get your wallet out of your pocket in the car, while navigating a curve with your seatbelt on, in time to have your money ready for the worker at the drive thru window?

This is not an innate life skill. It takes years of practice not to run up on the curb, smash into the car in front of you, or scatter the contents of your wallet on the floor as you free it from its holding place. For those that have never been through this, I can tell you, it’s a horrible experience when not executed perfectly. I have nearly torn off my pants pocket or lost my wallet into the ‘in between’ of the front seats. The stress alone is worth a visit to the psychiatrists office. I believe this maneuver outweighs all others and I submit as near the worst experience any suburbanite can endure.

Scouting Party

“Look Ponera, this is crazy. Am I the only that sees that? What do we hope to accomplish here?”

“We are scouting for Messor. Our missing scout..”

"And you don't think that's odd? Even when you say it like that?"

"No."

“But we are the forth expedition to go looking for him. Doesn't that seem...well, silly?”

“We don’t leave our scouts behind Atta.”

“Well, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m very patriotic, and I know my duty. You know, all for queen and country, so don't take this wrong. It’s just that it seems a little strange to me to send out four expeditions for one lost scout.”

“We also need to find food.”

“I know, but when do we decide that this isn’t the best place to find it. You know we could go another way.”

“We follow the same path as the other scouts. It’s the way it works Atta! We’ve always done it like this and I see no reason why we should change it now. I want to hear no more about the subject! Lets review the ground we’ve covered.”

“Fine. We came through the same tunnel that we know Messor, and the other scouting parties started through. From there we circled the the lake where we discovered why scouting party number one never come back... ”

“Daceton deserved better.”

“...then we continued on the path, climbing the white cliff face and discovered the resting place of scouting party number three. On the precipice, near the crystal formation.”

“Yes, that was unfortunate."

"Unfortunate!?"

"Both Lasius and Ection did their duty. Just like we should. I don’t have to remind you that if a scouting party doesn’t find food soon we’re going to be in trouble. I mean we only have provisions for another week or so. Continue.”

"Okay. Then the path lead us to scouting party number two. They were both dead on that expansive tundra.”

“Right. Which means all other parties are accounted for. All except Messor that is. Which means he must still be ahead. ”

“Is that all you have to say Ponera! Don't you get that need to do something!"

"We are doing something. We're following the path."

"I mean something else! We can't just follow in the other scouts foot prints anymore. Don't you see where that sort of thinking is going to lead to?"

"It will lead to Messor. Is that what you mean?"

"No Ponera, that's not what I mean! I mean If we keep sending out scouting parties, following in the footsteps of the other scouting parties it won’t matter when we run out of food! We’ll all be lost long before we starve to death!”

“What do you want to do? Go back empty handed? I can tell you right now, we will not get a warm welcome! Let's just keep moving. We’ve made it further than most of the other expeditions. Maybe our luck will hold. You don’t always have to presume the worst you know. We are two very capable-”

“-I'm just saying we need to try another way! Why is that so hard to understand? Wait...isn’t that Messor over there!"

"Where?"

"Look! Over there by the edge of that desert...”

“See! I told you. We stick to the path from previous scouts and everything will work out.”

“No Ponera, He looks like he’s in bad shape...”

WHAP!

~~~

“Gottcha! Two more Linda! I got two more!”

“Whoopie, I’m thrilled. Honestly. Can you please clean them up now?”

“No. I’m leaving their carcasses scattered all around the room to demoralize them. Let’s see... one in the dogs water bowl, two on the window sill, two on the tile entryway and now three near the cat’s litter box. I’m telling you they’re going to give up soon. Today was a huge moral defeat for them.”

“Charlie they’re not going to give up! You act like they can think and reason! Please can we just seal up the crack in the door, or call an exterminator?”

“No Linda, I’m telling you, I’m going to beat these ants!”