The Parade

“I’m here!”

“Great...”

“Did I make it in time?”

“In time for what?”

“The Parade?!”

“Oh...”

“Well?”

“Yea, you made it. Welcome to the parade. ”

“So...when does it start?”

“What?”

“What do you mean what?!”

“I mean, ‘I wish you would stop talking to me,’ but I doubt that you’ll get that subtle hint. The parade is in progress. This is what we do.”

“Where are the bands?”

“There aren’t any. This is all there is. It’s what we have always done.”

“Floats?”

“Nope.”

“Dignitaries?”

“No.”

“Flags? Peanuts?”

“Nope. ”

“Well what about-”

“Look kid, just stop. This is it. The rains come, then we parade. We’ve been doing this for years and we don’t need some kid telling us what's wrong with it. Okay? We like it. We're all happy here, and yes this is it. This is what we do.”

“Oh well then if that's the way you feel..."

"That's the way I feel.."

"Okay. Umm...well at least we have bad weather...”

“That’s right. Count your blessing.”

“So then...is this it?”

“Yep.”

“Seems kinda dull.”

“[shrug] It can get interesting sometimes, you just never know.”

"When?"

"Lets just say that a fella could definitely get hurt at the parade."

"Really? Dull as rocks and a chance at injury, what more could you ask for. Well, I wish I’d stayed home.”

“[shrug] Me too. I didn’t have a choice personally. I had to come. We all had to come!”

“This is just- Whoa! Hey, LOOK OUT!”

~~~

“Yuck!”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just stepped on a worm and smeared him all over my shoes! Almost slipped to my death. Now I have worm guts on my shoes.”

“Ah...”

“Stupid things! This is disgusting! I hate how they’re all over the sidewalks after a rain! I mean just look!

“I know...”

“The pavement is practically swimming in earthworms and earthworm insides! It makes me sick. Why are they out?”

“Well when it rains-”

“It's like a foul invertebrates parade!”

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

“It’s revolting.”

“I'm sorry. It’s just what they do.”

The Party

“Alright everybody, five minutes to game time! We got it all! Forty-two inch high definition plasma screen!"

"WOO!!"

"Hot wings, chips, dip, drinks, and sausages!"

"WOO!!"

"And this year, no Melvin! The only thing were missing are four hot deep dish pizzas that should be here any minute!”

[bing bong]

“And there they are. I’ll be right back.”

~~~

“Hey you’re late! Do I get an discount or something?”

“I’m sorry I had a little trouble figuring out where the party was...”

“Melvin!”

“Happy to see me?”

“How did you...?”

“At a loss for words I see?"

"Melvin...You weren't suppose.."

"Don’t worry I always know what to say! I have also been thinking a lot about super bowl extra large. For instance-”

"Super bowl what?"

"Super bowl, extra large! I've been working on my game lingo!"

“Forty. Last year was super bowl forty. This year is forty-one. XL and XLI are Roman numerals. It’s a football tradition to use them instead of regular numbers.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know! Who cares? Maybe they thought it added a bit more dignity to it or something. I really don’t have a clue.”

“Anyway so last year we had that long conversation about half-backs...”

"I recall."

"Really?"

“Yes, in fact I have thought about it quite a bit in the last year. That conversation lasted right through the 43-yard fourth-quarter touchdown pass that essentially secured the game.”

“Wow, I didn’t know our conversation meant that much to you. I’m glad to hear you still remember it.”

“Believe me Melvin, I’ll never forget it.”

“Anyway about half-backs...”

“Melvin, Wait."

"Yes?"

"How did you know where the party was? No one called you, right?”

“A-ha! See! I knew it!”

“Knew what?”

“You said ‘no one called’ and it just confirmed what I had already assumed.”

“[sigh] Which was what?”

“That it was a secret party. And that you wanted the guests to try and figure it out where it was on their own."

"Why would I do that?"

"That way you didn’t get any losers at your party. Like that bunch of mush-heads you had last year. Eat, yell, boo. How long can a person endure such company?”

“I was thinking the same thing actually...”

“So I went to your house and you weren’t there.”

“Right.”

“But your neighbor said something about how hard it was to get your TV in your car..."

"I need to have a chat with Ted..."

"...he then said you made three trips back home, and that each trip took approximately twenty five minutes."

"...a nice long chat..."

"...I then used my computer based mapping program to pinpoint each of your known friends houses and then I calculated which you could be making deliveries to in that time frame."

"Maybe we can go hunting together."

"First I tried Kevin's, and his wife must have been in on your game, because she tried to put me off the trail.

"Good ol' Laura."

"But I kept at it! I then tried Ralph's house and someone let the dogs loose on me. luckily I'm quite nimble and was able to escape with only my corduroy cuff as a casualty."

"...better luck next time Butler..."

"I then figured you must be at Doug's place, and well, here we are!"

“Indeed."

"I was quite a test of fortitude and cunning. I must give you credit for dreaming that up!"

"Yeah...Thanks. Well, I guess since you went through all that trouble, you should come inside and watch the game."

"Thank you!"

"Too bad the pizza guy hasn’t gotten here yet.”

“Oh. I sent him away!”

“What! Why?”

“Four deep dish pizzas! That's just ridiculous to think, that anyone else would be able to find this party besides me! Especially with the sort of friends you keep!”

Resolution

“I resolve to write more letters this year. What about you Jared?”

“What are you doing?"

"It's my new years resolution, for the party. You need to fill yours out so we can get going."

"Okay. let me think. I resolve to grow a third eye!”

“What!?”

“A third eye... right in the center of my forehead! That’s my new years resolution this year.”

“...”

“Don't look at me like that Samantha.”

“Jared, don’t be stupid.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Try. First off you don’t need a third eye. Even if you did, you shouldn’t have it in the center of your forehead. It would serve you better in the back of you head. If you’re going to make idiotic resolutions they should be slightly sensible. Now, what is your real resolution.”

“I resolve to eat fewer peanut butter and pickle sandwiches!”

“That sounds simple enough.”

“I don’t want it to be easy. Okay...I resolve to be the first person in space...”

“Too late.”

“..dancing the polka.”

“Having a little trouble with your resolution this year?”

“To put it bluntly. Yes.”

"Sometimes its hard to identify parts of our lives that need improvement."

"Maybe that’s just it Samantha, maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I can’t think of a resolution this year because I’m flawless. I don’t have anything left to change! I’ve done it! I’ve attained perfection!”

“Get off the table and write down your new years resolution! We're going to be late. It’s easy. Ahem, ‘I Jared, resolve to spend less time standing on the coffee table acting like an idiot.’ Now get down here and fill this out so we can go.”

“No really! Listen. Maybe I’ve done it. Maybe I’m perfect.”

“How do you figure?”

“Well, I have a great job and I’m still in my twenties! That means I’m obviously very smart.”

“Or just plain lucky. I don't want to burst your bubble but you are the worst person at math I’ve ever met.”

“Maybe that’s normal for perfect people.”

"Jared..."

“Stay with me now. I’m in decent shape and hardly ever get sick”

“I admit you are mostly healthy but Jared, you do get sick.”

“I get stomachaches sometimes but that’s different. I mean like colds and flus and cancer and stuff. I mean, maybe I'm immune to viruses and things!”

“Jared. Are you telling me you don’t think you ever get colds? Why do all men think they never get sick? Is it some universal delusion of your sex?"

“I have natural charisma.."

"Hello! ALL MEN GET SICK! Plus you are also the biggest babies about it! It's always, ‘My head hurts!’ ‘My throat is sore!’ ‘I can't stop vomiting!’"

"...I have good looks..."

"On the other hand, men will drive a nail through their finger and just wrap it in duct tape! I don’t get it.”

“... and of course charm.”

“Additionally you’re also a good listener.”

“I heard you. Listen, I’m having an epiphany here."

"Jared..."

"Stand back and bask in my glow."

“Jared..."

"Turn your eyes and gaze on perfection!”

"Jared!"

"Yes?"

"I’m sorry to break it to you but you're not perfect. You have poor eyesight, you're slightly bowlegged and you’re too short to be perfect.”

“What! What do you mean I'm too short?”

“It’s nothing bad. It’s just when I think of the perfect man I picture him as least as tall as me. Thats all.”

“Wow. That's nice. I had no idea you thought of me as short. I'm five eight. That's pretty average I'd say. I mean you're five foot ten. Maybe you’re just too tall!”

“Its not important, I’m just saying, you are not perfect.”

“Fine. The giantess has spoken.”

“Whatever. Hey midget, do you have a new years resolution yet?”

“I resolve to grow taller this year!”

“Good. Write it down! Let’s get going.”

Of Nog and Gaw

“So what do you think Gaw?”

“About what Nog?”

“About me being a banker?”

“I still don’t understand, what’s wrong with what you’ve got? Don’t you like being a caveman?”

“Well...no. It’s just not for me. I’m not good at hitting things with my club and the women laugh when I try to go and forage with them. I was thinking I could be a banker.”

“What’s a banker?”

“Okay, see! Your interested! I knew you would be. ...So you give me all your sheep, and I’ll keep them for you. And I’ll keep Maugs, Ughs, Kugs and well, everyones sheep. Then I’ll give you a portion of any dividends that payoff.”

“What’s a dividend?”

“Little sheep.”

“Oh. Why wouldn’t I just keep my own sheep?”

“Okay, okay I got it! I’ll keep your sheep for six months and you can’t touch them. Then at the end of that time I’ll give you back all your sheep plus two more sheep! So, what do you think?”

“What am I suppose to eat, wear, or drink during this time?”

“...”

“Nog?”

“Or I could be a Carpenter!”

“You mean like Ugh? Yeah we could use another fixer around! Now your talking. Did you see him widen the opening to Huk’s cave the other day?”

“No, no no. Not like that! Ugh just hits things with his club. No, a carpenter builds things. Like stick houses!”

“What’s wrong with our caves?”

“I could build you a house out of sticks and you could put it anywhere you wanted!”

“Somewhere away from the shelter of the rock face? A place where the light from the sky strikes the ground and burns the tree trunks? Near by the saber tooth tigers, mammoths, and wolf packs. Somewhere the wind would blow out my fire? Why would I want that?”

“I could sell you insurance...”

“...(sigh) Nog...”

“No, listen! You just give me some sheep to hold, and if for some reason your stick house burned down, was blown away our you died, I build you another one. I’d keep the sheep if nothing ever happened. And the more treacherous place you put your stick house the more sheep you would need to give me. What do you think?”

“I don’t think you should be a carpenter, or sell insurance. How about you grab your club and we can continue to be cavemen. What do you say? Nog...What’s up with your leopard skin?”

“You noticed! It’s called a lapel! I added it yesterday...”

“Nog! Please! I don’t care what it’s for. I really don’t. Do you have any idea how hard it is to talk to you? I have to defend you constantly to the others. They all think your a crackpot, and that we should beat you over the head with our clubs till you start acting normal. I won’t even tell you what the witch doctor suggested. Why can’t you just be a caveman like everyone else?”

“Do you think anyone would give up sheep to see me ride a mammoth?”

“What?!”

“Yeah..We could build a ring out of rocks and I could ride the mammoths or maybe a saber tooth tiger! We would strap me to it and see how long I could hold on. What do you think?"

“Nog, I think I can say without exaggeration, that I can think of dozens of people who would give up sheep to see you ride a saber tooth tiger!”

And that is how the rodeo was born.