Coffee Everlasting

Today I was driving down the road when I turned and looked at the person next to me. I do this all the time and I know I'm not alone in this practice. Daily, I'll gaze over and hope for a brief glimpse into their dull life, believing in my heart that it is as pathetic and meaningless as mine. Actually that's not true. I actually wish that theirs is much more pathetic and meaningless than mine.

Anyway. So there we are at a stop light when I glance over at this unassuming tan Volvo station wagon and think, "I have to have a more interesting life than anyone who would own a 1982 Volvo station wagon!" Seriously, how could you buy a car that's shaped like a giant LEGO if you had even a hint of romance or a spark of creativity in your soul. You couldn't. Maybe it was a gift or something.

Just when I was about to feel vastly superior while sitting in my dirty 1997 Nissan XE king cab, something unexpected happened. They raised a Starbucks cup to their lips and took the last sip of coffee. I know it was the last sip because the cup was angled in such a way that if there had been more than a couple of drops of coffee left, they would have been showered in brew and drown in their own latte.

I felt remorse for them. Not only were they stuck in a boring Swedish automobile with the universal symbol for virility emblazoned on their steering but now they're out of freaking latte!

Wait... here comes the cup again. They take another sip. What?! Then another.

At this point the light changes to green and we drive off in different directions but it's okay because I know exactly what happened. This person had succeeded in creating an Einstein-Rosen bridge and not only that but had proved that material could be transfered between them. In addition they had bonded this bridge between a fixed point and a moving vector which was an extraordinary accomplishment. If all that wasn't enough they had also contrived the most brilliant application of this technology.

The everlasting cup of coffee. By initiating the bridge between their coffee cup and then pinning the far end of this wormhole in the bottom of a warming carafe, they could essentially have a hot cup of Joe whenever they wanted. Imagine hot coffee on the fly without the need to keep large thermos in tow. Plus this bridge allowed for the carafe to be whatever size needed. That means they could make enough coffee for a day or even a fortnight. It was absolutely brilliant.

Of course now the inconspicuous Volvo becomes apparent. Obviously this technology was offered to the public but suppressed by the drive through coffee company's who make their living on having, "coffee when you need it." (I put that in quotes in case any drive through coffee company was looking for an awesome new catchphrase). So now they have to use the bridge in secret all disguised by a harmless cup of coffee.

Wow. It's amazing what you can see in the car next to you if you only take the time to really look!

More Death Less Caffeine: Revisted

What the hell? First my sendmail box is axed and now my coffee maker kicks the bucket? I mean sure we can manage with a Windows box taking over for smtp functions. We've all adjusted to meaningless event log entries, stupid glurge icons and pointless clicking through Microsoft menus, but my coffee pot? How much pain can one man endure!

My wife wakes me up the other morning.

"Hon, the coffee pot won't turn on."
"What?"
"Nevermind. It's fine."
"That's not funny!"
"Well it wasn't working but now it- no. wait."
"Patricia?"
"No. It's off again."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"Peter? Are you sobbing over a coffee maker?"

In many ways that coffee maker has shown me more love than most things in my life. It was always there for me. Always cheerful and completely dedicated. No whining, complaining or fiddling. You add some water, grounds and flip a switch. Minutes later, you get coffee. Hello! Here's for a little constancy in the life of a working man!

"It's 8:00 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 1:15 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"I love you."
"Peter are you hugging the coffee pot?"
"What?! Oh- Hey hon."
"When was the last time you showed me that much appreciation?"
"Maybe if you had a 12 cup carafe, charcoal filter and delayed brew feature..."

Anyway, for the last 7 years or so my coffee maker has been dedicated to my happiness. So I thought a memorial was in order.

"Where's the coffee maker?"
"I threw it out. It was broken"
"Oh. I was going to say a few words."
"Oh, give me a break Peter..."

More Death Less Caffeine

What the hell? First my sendmail box is axed and now my coffee maker kicks the bucket. I mean sure we can manage with a windows box taking over for smtp functions. We've all adjusted to meaningless event log entries, stupid glurge icons and pointless clicking through Microsoft menus, but my coffee pot! How much can one man endure!

My wife wakes me up the other morning.

"Hon, the coffee pot won't turn on."
"What?"
"Nevermind"
"Sigh. Okay, that wasn't funny!"
"Well it wasn't working but now it- no. wait."
"Patricia?"
"No. It's off again."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
"Peter? Are you sobbing over a coffee maker?"


In many ways that coffee maker has shown me more love than most things in my life. It was always there for me. Always cheerful and completely dedicated. No whining, complaining or fiddling. You add some water, grounds and flip a switch. Minutes later, you get coffee. Hello, here's for a little constancy in the life of a working man!

"It's 8:00 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 2:30 in the afternoon. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"It's 1:15 in the morning. I need coffee."
"Beep"
"I love you."
"Peter are you hugging the coffee pot?"
"What?! Oh- Hey hon."
"When was the last time you showed me that much appreciation?"
"Maybe if you had a 12 cup carafe, charcoal filter and delayed brew feature..."

Anyway, for the last 7 years or so my coffee maker has been dedicated to my happiness. So I though a memorial was in order.

"Where's the coffee maker?"
"I threw it out. It was broken"
"Oh. I was going to say a few words."
"Give me a break Peter..."

So three days without coffee is enough morning for anyone. Today is replacement day. Here's to another 7 seven years of coffee maker indentured servitude!

Bitter Coffee

"Seriously. I'm heading to Venezuela right now!"

20 Reasons I'm Never Giving Up Coffee

Coffee shops smell good.

Coffee helps me wake up.

I need something to add my three teaspoons of sugar to everyday.

I like holding paper coffee cups. It makes me feel important.

I'm supporting employees with families. It would be wrong to suddenly cut off that support.

It makes work slightly more bearable.

Hot coffee in a cup is an excellent hand warmer.

Coffee stains on your notes make you look like a dedicated worker.

What would I do with all my coffee mugs!?

Coffee breath keeps office lurkers at bay.

Is it illegal? Does it hurt me? Then why would I give it up!?

I like frequent trips to the restroom. It gives me a sense of purpose.

Good coffee taste great.

Bad coffee is better than no coffee.

One word. Mocha. Hello!?

It's got it's own cake.

People don't bother coffee drinkers early in the morning. They know better.

Everyone needs one vice. Coffee is mine. Well...one of mine. Well...the one I'm not giving up!

If I can pay $50 for a tank of gasoline, I can afford $1.90 for a cup of coffee.

When Starbuck takes over the world, we'll all be required to drink it anyway. Why wait?

Starbucks Post

For the most part Starbucks coffee is taking over the known universe. As for me I say, "bring it!" They serve a good cup of coffee that is consistently well made at a fair price. Additionally it is their plan to add a new shop on every street corner, in every town in the world. What's more-

"Whoa! Stop."

"What?"

"Where in the world are you going with this?"

"Why are you interrupting my post? I was typing here."

"So are you saying that they are building up a force to invade?!"

"What!?"

"You know, an army of loyal Starbucks baristas on every corner of the globe, ready at a moments notice to drop the espresso tamper and seize instead the reigns of world government!"

"I was just writing a post about Starbucks..."

"About how they've been slowly adding an ingredient to the coffee that with a single command from Seattle headquarters can trigger a latent gene in humans that will turn us all into a massive zombie hit force?"

"No, I was thinking of saying something more like, 'they're good and stuff.'"

"Well, then you're lucky I stopped by! Nobody wants to read that tripe!"

"Who are you anyway?"

"I'm your manly-action-ego. You know that surge in your belly every time you watch a great action movie, or when you imagine fighting random people on the street just because they looked at you funny?"

"Oh. I didn't think I had one of those..."

"Well I've been suppressed, but I survived!! And I've come out even stronger!!"

"Ah, yes, I think I'm beginning to understand. So you don't really like my post idea?"

"Like I was saying, it would be better with a heavy conspiracy sub-plot."

"Like what?"

"Let me show you..."

He walked into the Starbucks and threw back a slug of Joe. Wiping the coffee off his lip that mixed with the blood running from the cut above his right eye, he yanked out his pistol and pointed it at the the counter attendant. 'I know everything,' he said as he pulled back slowly on the trigger. The attendant smiled 'There are two things you don't know,' he said, 'One, is that this goes all the way to the top and there is nothing you can do to stop it.' 'What's number two?' he snarled. 'I just poisoned your black French roast coffee."

"No, no, no. That's all wrong."

"Who are you?! Come a step closer and I'll break your arm in three places!"

"Relax manly-ego. Let's just see who they are and what they want."

"Yes, down mango. Heel boy. I am your sensitive-side."

"Don't you dare call me mango you sissy!"

"Fine, how about mr. mango?"

"Look here, I know 27 different ways to snub you out with just my pinky fingers!"

"First my aggressive side and now my sensitive side! I'm going to have to be carted away to loony bin, just so I can be by myself for a while."

"So before the mr. mango here threatened my life, I was thinking that you could spice this post up with a fun romantic comedy bit."

"Dare I ask how?"

He walked into the Starbuck and ordered a decaf grande no whip soy mocha. When the order was called he reached for the cup, but realized that an attractive young woman, had taken it. 'Excuse me.' he giggled. 'I believe you've stolen my heart, and took my coffee to boot.' Come to find out, they both ordered the same drink, oddly enough. Additionally she was his childhood sweetheart, whom he thought lost to the winds of fate years ago. She of course doesn't recognize him, now that his acne had cleared up, but he saw that she was wearing a bracelet he made for her in the eighth grade. He later found out that she will be married to a wealthy cereal baron, whom she doesn't love, but who has a great smile and is on the cover of GQ this month.

"That's no good at all! It doesn't even make sense, it isn't logical or even slightly plausible. I mean statistically speaking what are the chances of that?!"

"Who are you?! Get out of here or I'll roundhouse kick you through that plate glass window over there! There's no room in this head for another nutjob, we're all stocked up here!"

"Be calm mr. mango. I'm sure he just wants to have his say, and we should let him."

"Thank you. I was just saying, as your analytical side-"

"That's it! Out! All of you! I'll write whatever I want to write. I want you all out of here!"

"If you really want that, then I'll go"

"I'm gone sucker!"

"It's doesn't make sense to linger, if I'm not wanted."

Ahem. Now where was I... Oh yes. Starbucks, they're good and stuff!