Rookie Moves

Last night the remote went missing. Not just the simple, "where the heck did I put that thing?" You know what I'm talking about, you get up, turn around twice and there it is, right next where you were sitting, "must have slid off the sofa arm or something."

This was nothing like that! This was an all out loss. I stood up turned around twice and looked in by the sofa arm. Nothing. I checked over, under around and even rummaged through the cushions. I got down on all fours like some feral remote hunting beast pushing toys and stuffed lions aside. Nothing. No power. No remote. I was helpless. Adrift all the while the paused image of my show stood a mere eight feet away beckoning me,

"Don't you want to see how this ends?"
"YEs! Of CourRSe I DO!"
"Well, then. Lets get to it bub!"

What's a guy to do. Sure I could hit the pause button the DVD player itself like some blithering Neanderthal, but what's the point. I wouldn't solve the problem. The REMOTE WAS LOST. It was probably just as scared and worried as I was. It needed me, and I needed it. We formed a kind of symbiosis. Apart we are weak, together we can stem the tide.

So I left the room, and walked back in. And there it was. Sitting pretty on the sofa arm.

"I was here along."
"No. I'm happy to find you but I know better."

I knew instantly what had happened. Aliens. Rookie aliens understudies. Clearly when the aliens had come by, frozen time and scanned the brains of all the humans on my street, they had some form of rookie fly along program. For all aspiring slimys looking for a career with decent hours and interactions with foreign bodies. Mostly they are just there to observe, sometimes hold the bags scanning equipment is stored in and clean up the slime trails. This one got foolish.

Imagine the surprise of the journeymen level brain infiltration services expert when he saw with this sticky young pup had done! Allow me to translate!

Due to some rushed math there was a couple minute blip where I existed on a planet without my remote. Too bad I'm not one to believe in my own shortcomings, silly aliens.

I imagine that junior understudy will get quiet a slimy pouchful from the master level brain infiltration director. Whoa! If I could be a pile of ectogoo on that wall. Anyway. It's good to know even aliens make mistakes.

The Last One?

Yesterday while sitting in my car, idling at the Starbucks Coffee drive thru line, I heard the strangest thing coming from the car behind me.

"Do you folks serve coffee here?"

"Yes"

"I want a coffee. What sizes do you have?"

"Tall, Large & Venti."

"Okay, I'll have a..."

Was I just witness to the last Starbucks holdout? Was it truly possible that there was a person living in America who had never been to a Starbucks before yesterday morning? How is that even possible? I found the prospect mind numbing. They didn't look like an alien, but I suppose that could be one explanation. In fact after yesterday morning, I'm more willing to accept the fact that aliens have landed on Earth, based solely on this fact that the mountain of silly photos and conspiracy theory's I've heard. Lets examine the facts together.

Even if they hadn't been before, because they either didn't like coffee, Starbucks or a little of both, I find it hard to believe they wouldn't know about the caffeine giant at all. The fact that they asked the "Do you folks serve coffee here?" question implies that Starbucks was a new concept to them. A total unknown entity.

I mean, the simple fact is, anyone living in my town HAS to see the Starbucks logo at least once a day. I can't drive anywhere in town with passing at least four Starbucks. In fact we have a spot where 2 shops are in the same mini mall, less than 200 yards apart! Add to the fact that they are both always busy! I mean, I think I can safely say, "Starbucks has caught on."

Additionally this person, this cave dweller, apparently cannot even read. Assuming for the moment that they made it through the last 15 years never seeing, hearing or passing any Starbucks. However absurd that sounds, we'll try and believe it. They, at the very least, should be able to see that they serve coffee. The word coffee is in the logo. It's like half the sign! In clear 54 point font!

So there it is. Were being invaded by aliens, or I just witnessed the most unlikely human in the nation. Either way the outcome is clearly astounding!

20 Things I Learned From Sci-Fi

(A tongue-in-cheek list of things to come)

Tomorrow is coming for you, ready or not.

Robots and aliens will be there too. If you're lucky they'll be good. Don't bet on your luck.

If you hear the phrase "We come in peace" batten down the hatches, you're about to get pummeled.

Clones are evil. I don't know why. Oh yeah, so is déjà vu.

If you need artificial gravity on a ship or space station, you just need to spin the object in space. This works every time.

Technology will only work if you really don't need it to (eg. Transporters, hyperdrive or automatic coffee dispensers...).

In the future, machines will turn on us. So try and be nicer to your microwave.

Even if the odds seem infinitesimal, whenever you travel through time, you will always run into a relative of yours.

Causality loops, spacial distortions, titanium and spandex jumpsuits are really common in the future.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to hook your brain to a computer. Why wait?

The future is either really good, or really bad. We do away with moderation around 2015 or so.

Whether you like it or not, there will be a time when something catastrophic happens to Earth. More than likely we did it ourselves.

Lucky for us, Mars is a lovely place to raise a family and everyone vacations on Io or Callisto.

In the future, people can read your thoughts, foil hat or not.

At some point, we do away with physics. Therefore we have no relativity and have replaced it with huge explosions in the vacuum of space. Explosions are cooler than relativity anyway.

All aliens are smarter, stronger or more advanced than humans. Humans are the dregs of the universe.

Though we're really not that different from aliens. Even if they breathe cyanide and eat rocks, they probably can quote Shakespeare.

While we will have phasers, neutrino bombs and particle destabilizers, we will still mostly fight with our fists.

No one uses paper money in the future. We will have things called 'credits', which everyone has but nobody accepts as payment. Sort of like pennies.

42.

Dizzy Spells

I’ve been feeling rather dizzy recently. I suppose a number of things could be causing it. I suppose it could be the fact that the crape myrtles are in bloom. This could be affecting my allergies and consequently blocking up my sinuses and throwing off my equilibrium. What an idea, it seems so sensible and hence obviously ridiculous.

I have mentioned to a number of people that I have been having these dizzy spells. It seems I’m not alone; there are a number of other people I know who have also been having them. Not all of them have allergies, so after careful consideration I’ve come up with, what I believe to be, the only possible solution. Mind reading.

It seems that some benevolent aliens, cataloging our system have been using some weird extra-terrestrial mind reading device on the population. Apparently the united Uphat central command had decided that they needed to know what was happening on our humble planet, XUI833 as they call it, since they were unable to ascertain this from simple observation. In fact the sole agenda item at the last meeting simply stated, “What in the world could these beings be thinking?” From deep in space, they have turned the dreaded mind beam on us. Thus the recent unsteadiness, only it is not going according to plan.

The Uphats are now more confused than ever. It seems the average person is more concerned with American Idol, Nicholas Cage, iPods, flat panel screens, cheap romance, David Blaine, and digital watches than anything else. Given the current events of the world, our vast history, and fabulous literature collection they believe that something must be wrong with the beam. The Uphats have decided then that their only recourse is to turn the beam to maximum.

So please for the sake of all our brains please do you best, for at least the next few weeks, to try some deep thoughts. I’m getting sick of these darn dizzy spells. I have no clue when crape myrtle season is over.

Is It Catching?

“Is it catching? I was hanging out with the guy all weekend and he had it pretty bad doc.”
“The good news is, you don’t have it, the bad new is, it is highly contagious”

I feel like I have an illness. You can’t see it, but it’s defiantly there. I’m very careful who I tell about it. If you're wondering if you or someone you know has it, just look for the signs:

• "Wow! That guy was moving at warp speed!"


• "So where can I find the replicator? I need a soda."


• "See my new Minivan? I've named it 'Runabout Rio'"

Liking Star Trek is like speaking only in Pig Latin. It’s not socially acceptable and it means you can only communicate with select group of people. That being said it’s also like any high addictive substance, it feels good, and you don’t want to stop.

I’ve now taken this addiction to the next level; I’m buying Star Trek seasons on DVD. I hide them because I’m afraid my friends wouldn’t understand. Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who are adamantly apposed to Star Trek. It’s hard to be a closet Trekkie.

That being said I’m not willing to boldly go to "Star Trek Leper." This is the fan that attends conventions, wears a uniform, has pointed side burns, and a com badge. You can see them talking to their cell phone like a communicator, or watching the skies for alien spacecraft. This is social rejection at its height. These people have one friend counting their dog. You need to be on your guard, because unlike the average geek, this breed wants to talk to you. They corner you at work or in the movie store and babble on about an episodes inconsistency… …

“On Season 2 of DS9, in the episode Shadowplay, Dax and Odo..."

Once their 20-minute dissertation is over its a quick "Live long and prosper" and they're off to the next victim.

I made the mistake of one time going to the midnight opening of a Star Trek movie. I would never have thought people would be brave enough to dress like Klingons or Bolians in a public place. They cheered for Kirk, yelled at the Klingons, and ate like tribbles. (If you’re lost, your one of the lucky ones)To me Star Trek is like listening to a Neil Diamond album, best done without any witnesses.

The one I feel the worst for is my wife. When I met her she wouldn't have known a warp drive or a space-time continuum if it got in bed with her. Now she knows all the characters, and how a deflector dish works. But I guess I'm one of the few geeks who knows all the songs in Guys and Dolls, and can quote Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice verbatim.

A match made in the Alpha Quadrant!