I remember when...

• Watermelons had seeds
• Televisions had dials
• Streets had payphones
• Computers had floppies
• Supermarkets had arcade games
• Only doctors or drug dealers had pagers
• No one had a cellular phone
• People wore tube socks
• I made my girlfriend a mix tape
• VCRs were amazing
• Costco clerks read off the SKU numbers
• Stores called the bank when you wrote a check
• Macy's used a carbon machine on your credit card
• McDonald's used styrofoam packages
• Rabbit ears were on our living room TV
• The first time I played Frogger at home
• People thought pegged pants looked cool
• Taco Bell had a 59¢ menu
•  I had to hand write my school reports
• I tried to walk and keep my discman from skipping

It happens to everyone. When they realize time has moved faster than they expected...

Monday's Passing

I just had a very good Monday. I came in to work today, wondering what I was going to be doing, and ended up spending 8 hours shooting trouble on an elusive issue. At 4:16 the solution was acquired and the inevitable clarity of hindsight clicked into place. I looked up and realized that I had consumed 1 liter of coffee, a banana, a smoothie and most of my day. I found that I was completely happy.

If you don't have a job you enjoy to do, I'm sorry. I've worked in plenty of places where jumping ship was always on my mind. There were days that I spent at Best Buy were I just wanted to punch someone square in the jaw. Of course, there were also great days. Days when I learned something new, or enjoyed the company of my co-workers. The trouble is, it's much easier to recall the bad days? Why is that?

I suppose it is because, we tend to appreciate them more, in a way. You can recount them to friends. You garner sympathy or laughs depending on how you tell it. You use them to build a little castle of woe, that can then be showed off to your family and acquaintances. It makes you feel good to wallow in the bad.

You get the attention of others, "Look at all I had to endure today." Attention is addicting (Ask anyone with a blog) and people tend to dwell on the negative rather than the positive. It's our culture, where sarcasm and cynicism are rewarded as wit and humor. Or sympathy is doled out while we simultaneously elevate ourselves as better over those who's woes we are listening to.

Believe me, I understand it. In fact I'm a master of it. I need to curb that tendency.

Why is it that no one shares with friends if they had a good day?

"Had this horrible customer that called me a 'sniffle stiffing jerk-off' in front of my boss!"
"What?! That's horrible!"
"Yeah, and I'm not even sure that I know what that means. What about you."
"Me? I had a great day! So-"
"Oh... Sue? What about you?"


So why can't a near perfect work day not be worth noting? We should all get excited when we say,  "I had a great day." Instead of just thinking it's no big deal.

Most of us have to work for a living. Considering the sheer amount of our lives that we will spend working for our paycheck, we should be actively looking for the good in that day. Today was good, and I hope I remember it the next time I have a bad day.

Monday was good. I've got great hopes for Tuesday...

My last 5 Facebook Posts

Considering how few amusing things I've generated in the last 2 months, I thought you all might appreciate something...

Dec 25: So, everyone's phone is off, I'm standing in the rain locked outside of my empty house with no keys, and I need to use "the facilities". Making Christmas memories...

Jan 2: I cannot stop overeating. Luckily my pants are now so tight I'm getting light headed and might just pass out. Seems to be some sort of fail safe method...

Jan 3: I like Lumberjack Games. If more sports had axes and chainsaws, I think I could get into them more...

Jan 9: I've only had one person ever give me their number and asked me to call them. It was a very attractive man with a pale blue knit sweater tied around his shoulders. I never found out what he wanted....

Jan10: I'm such a poor speller that Outlook wished to change what I thought was 'inconvenience' to 'incontinence'. I said, "no" as I wanted to keep the email a bit more professional...

Critial Errors Invites Kludge Spot Over

Gentle Reader;

I received a guest blogging invitation from my friend Andy over at his review blog, Critical Errors. Considering that I haven't been blogging here, I jumped at the chance to force my hand at writing something.

I was asked to do a Christmas themed review post. I decided on a review of snow.  So, I encourage you to drop in an have a look!

Hopefully that jump start will help me post more here as well.

Thank you for your continued patronage.

Kludge
Editor and Chief
kludgespot.blogspot.com

For the Love of Ants

What could be more noble than an ant? What creature could be a better example of what is right and good in the world? What person can not say that the studious, devoted, hard working ant was anything but the best that the insect world could create?

They aren't slimy like a worm. They aren't poisonous like a millipede. They don't consume their spouses like a preying mantis. They don't sting like a bee or stink like a beetle. I've never heard them disturb my peace like those loud, good for nothing grasshoppers. They don't suck your blood like a tick or make you itch like a louse. They are just devoted to their work.

They are true blue and loyal. They always obey their mother, and work tirelessly for the betterment of their colony. Ants can carry things much heavier than themselves. As any entomologist will tell you, that makes them the perfect Sherpa to scale any mountian with a pack full of food.

"Wait. Where did you guys get all that food?"
"My counter top!"
"How many of you are there?!"
"Thousands!"

What can be more lonesome than an ant? A filthy dirty scavenger! What creature could be a better example of a low life bottom feeder? Bees are like the farmers of the insects world. Cultivating pollen which will be converted into honey for their nourishment. They work the plants and add to the food supply of other animals. Worms recycle garbage into rich useable soil. And while quite macabre, at least the preying mantis supplies her own dinner. (I still hate grasshoppers though, nothing is changing that opinion.)

But ants?! What do they do. They invade! They steal. They do it so blatantly that you cannot ignore them. One or two become dozens. Dozens become hundreds and hundreds become thousands, until your entire kitchen counter top is black shifting mass of larceny!

STOP TAKING MY FOOD!

Ants. There is no reasoning with their kind. All they understand is violence. I am a murder. I've killed hundreds. Thousands. They keep coming, but I will be victorious. I plan to eradicate an entire civilization. I have no remorse. How can you? If you show any weakness they will exploit it. There are no treaties, boarders or agreements. No, there is only one option; the ants must die.

The Mayans Were Right

I have been neglecting my blog, not because I have nothing to say, but because I cannot think of anything amusing. The truth is lately I've been rather depressed. As far as I'm concerned 2012 has lived up to all its dire predictions and I will not be the least surprised if the world came to a fiery end before I complete this posting.


March 2012

Dear Diary,
I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty good. I've lost over 30lbs of nasty clinging body fat since January 1st. My clothes feel better, I wake up on time and work has become rather interesting. 2012 is looking like a fairly good year!

April 2012

Dear Diary,
The wife thinks she's pregnant. I was supportive. but honestly I have to say, When a man spends a week recovering from a painful operation that will 'stop you from producing any more offspring' you presume all that pain and suffering had a point! It's like a contract. You let them slice open a sensitive area, while you're awake, and in return you don't have to buy any more diapers! I feel like someone is in breach of contract. Dear Lord in heaven, I think I need to go throw up again...

May 2012

Dear Diary,
Even though it turns out that I am completely infertile (thank you all that is holy) we have decided to sell our house. Hopefully it will all go according to plan...

June 2012

Dear Diary,
When I said hopefully it will all go according to plan, I meant my plan. Not some crazy persons plan! Some lunatics, going-to-walk-through-your-house-every-4-hours-and-make-you-leave-for-an-hour-at-a-time-but-not-put-a-offer-in-on-your-house, plan. That's not the plan I was working from. I cannot imagine this can go on forever.

August 2012

Dear Diary,
Apparently it can go on forever. Actually that's not completely true. We did get an offer, that after 17 days into escrow was pulled out from under us like the proverbial rug. I have nothing but good thoughts for Jose and Nubia with dreams of dry rot, infestation and adjustable rate mortgages with a non reputable leading houses in their immediate future.

September 2012

Dear Diary,
After two more deals have fallen through, we've decided to take the house off the market. I suggested we burn it to the ground in celebration. Patricia seems against the idea. Maybe she'll warm up to. Get it?!

September 2012

Dear Diary,   
Work sucks. I had to skip a training, got bumped off the one interesting project this year and now I cannot find a single reason to be motivated to come in and work. Well... I do have to pay my mortgage. Is that irony or just a terribly sad truth of life?


September 2012

Dear Diary,
It's a good thing I lost those 34 lbs in March because if I hadn't I would be 70lbs heavier right now and not just 36lbs....

November 2012

Dear Diary,
The election is over. I don't want to talk about it...

November 2012

Dear Diary,
December is fast approaching. I'm looking forward to 2013. Or an asteroid falling on San Francisco and sending us all into the drink. I'm not sure which sounds better at this point.

Another Day At The Office

As I sit here in my office staring at quad core computers, large LCD monitors, high end speakers, company laptops and friendly office white boards all I can think is, "I really want to steal something!" Must be September 19th again...

Pirates are a free and happy bunch. Back in a time when men in powdered wigs, breeches, high heels and ruffled collars ruled the land what was a free thinker to do if you wanted to get away from it all?

Not working meant ruining up debts, and debtors prison in the eighteenth century was not a friendly sort of place. If you didn't live among the gentry you could always try your hand at manual labor, but the outlook offered a fairly diminishing return.

Well, you could pack your bags, move to Brazil and start up a coffee plantation! But that took a fair amount of money. You had to buy the land, buy the trees, buy the slaves. Spend, spend, spend. Plus, think of all the responsibility it requires to tend to an enterprise such as that? No...after a quick assessment the idea was really beginning to look a lot like work.

So? Ditch the hygiene and grab your cutlass.

A pirate ship offered something for nothing. Much like the modern welfare system only without the hassle of government forms, nagging dependents or pesky calls from social services inquiring into your supposed daily job hunt. No, piracy was real freedom.

No rules, no regulations, no disinfectants and a projected lifespan shorter than the average celebrity marriage. Plus if anyone wanted half of you booty you could just cut his throat and be on with it.

Sure there were some drawbacks. First you were on ship filled only with men which means you had to wait until you set into the slip before you could find someone to wash your duds or darn your socks. But at least you never had wipe your feet to enter a room, figure out which towels were for the guests, decipher complex emotional states or let your mates have 'just a sip' from your mead mug.

The good though, far out-weighed the bad. For as the stiffs on land, with their powdered wigs, were just a few coins richer for their days labor, you had accomplished so much more.While your dirty shipmates sing songs and eat roasted pig, you sit comfortably gulping down your rum and telling the bar wench of your day. A day ended by you burning that trim young sloops mast to a smoldering heap and then loading up all the heavy trunks into your waiting hold. Sure, you tell her, It was hard work relieving the passengers of all those shiny bits and expensive clothes before bidding them off this mortal coil with a lead ball from your blunderbuss but you managed to get through it. She exchanges you a refill for an ill gotten coin from your ever diminishing purse and you sit back and bask in the glow of your life choice.

Ah another workday is done and you're eager for the spray of salt air in your lungs, the smell of burning timbers at your nose and cries of those poor saps who will be supporting the next evenings purchases and slightly embellished stories ringing in your dirty pirate ears.

5 Haiku's: Buffalo Wing Regret

Wings of buffalo
Why do you torture me so?
I love to hate you

Wings of buffalo
When will you ever let me go?
My belly begs for death

Wings of buffalo
Oh spices you burn my tongue
Then tush as you go

Wings of buffalo
My toilet is quite displeased
I need more Clorox

Wings of buffalo
I'm sure I'll never have again
Until the next time

-Peter Brown 2012

Seriously...

Servicing The Car: Confessions of a Geek.

My truck has been making this funny noise for a while now. I really really really need to take it in for a service check but I hate doing it. Every time I turn my truck in for service I'm at the mercy of some who knows I don't have a clue.

So I'll call up and say, "Yes, my car is making a funny noise"

"Right. Bring her in!"

Obviously they cannot diagnose funny noises over the phone, that's not surprising. But what they can diagnose over the phone is a sucker. Which means when I drive up and get out, they know that I am a complete car moron. Mechanics love this. It means that they can say anything they want and I have to respond with, "Ah.. well that makes sense."

So I pull up and get out...

"So, did you hear that noise?"

"Yessir. Yep I sure do."

"Any idea what that is?"

"Well sir, that is probably the rear bushing. We need to see it and align your torque sensor."

"My what sensor."

"You torque sensor. Hopefully that's not blown!"

"Would that be bad if it had?"

"Well..." The technician holds back the laughter, "It sure wouldn't be very good would it?!"

"Ah. No, I mean. I guess not. How much are we talking here?"

"Well we won't know that till we slap her up on in the grease nest and see. How long have you been hearing this?"

"A week or so."

"Ah... well then, I imagine that the torque sensor has started to effect other systems by now."

"Really?"

"Yep. They'll do that you know."

"I didn't actually..."

"Well the manifold will start recalibrating it's alignment. So we'll have to give it the full overhaul."

"You still haven't said how much this will cost me yet..."

"Do you have a second mortgage?"

"No."

"Good. "

"That's not funny..."

"Sorry.  Let me have the keys and and we'll try to fix it by next weekend."

"That long?"

"Well, it's not easy work. I mean we have to drain the pan, and rework the hoses before we can even get to the torque sensor. Then we plug in the diagnostic station and run a full baseline. After that it's just test and retest until were sure the groove is wearing correctly."

Sigh..."Ah.. well that makes sense."