Reading SPAM

Well...this honestly looks a bit interesting.

20 Things Learned As Sys-Admin Repost

“Nothing’s wrong with the system” is always the first line of defense.

The longer you do this the less intelligent that users seem.

It always works on my computer.

I’d explain how I fixed it but you wouldn’t understand, so I just say “SYS-ADMIN USE STRONG MAGIC!”

Trust me, you’re doing it wrong.

<work> </joy> If you get it. It’s funny.

I’m not reading your email for fun; I’m checking the servers load.

Overhead lights wash out the monitor.

Walls are for your protection, indoors is where it’s safe.

I send Bill Gates a Christmas card every year. Poor code pays my mortgage.

Backups are never corrupted unless the data might actually be needed.

GUI’s are for the helpdesk and babies.

Windows? Reboot.

Declining social skills are part of the job.

Never trust a tan Systems Administrator

Coffee, Coffee, Coffee. This cannot be overstated.

The less rights users have, the better for everyone.

Managers should never be allowed to touch systems. This is just borrowing trouble.

Calling tech support means admitting you are fallible. Avoid this at all costs.

The answer is “No, I didn’t change anything” even if you have to lie through your teeth to say it.

Artificial Intelligence

To me the stumbling of artificial intelligence is as simple as syntax. It's a question of understanding. If you don't know what I mean, how can we communicate? I will always be a septic of computer intelligence, until this question of syntax is address.

When it comes to computer input, syntax is everything. If the statement isn't exactly what the blasted machine machine needs to hear, there's no way in the the world you're going to get your task completed. Somedays I feel like I just don't have the patience for it.

An easy to grasp example for the non-geeks:

Me: copy file from a to b

**Error, 'file' not known***

Me: copy file.txt from here to there

***Error 'file.txt' not known***

Me: copy c:\data\file.txt from here to there

***Error 'here' not known***

Me: CopY c:\data\file.txt FROm 'This LONELY place were we currently exist BECAUSE YOU WON'T COPY THE STUPID BLASTED DATA FILE' to there

***Error 'exist' not known***

Me: NO DOUBT!


So... do do you understand? If not please leave me a man file for your required syntax. I'd love to interact with you properly...

Me: (loading gun)

Users

"No problem sir, it could happen to anyone. Have a nice day." *click* "Idiot!"

Taking A Break

Anyone seen my straight jacket?

20 Stupid Ways To Lose Your Keys

Baking them in a pie. (Lasagna, Casserole, Etc)

Putting them in the Salvation Army bucket with your spare change

Letting your toddler pay with them

Throwing them away with your empty coffee cup

Walking away leaving them sitting in plain sight on the bank counter top

Returning them to a department store with your other exchanges

Accidentally dropping them public porta potty (buy a new car. It's not worth it)

Having them eaten along with your hand by an angry crocodile (tiger, hippo, polar bear, whatever)

Dropping them on a sandy beach (you'll never see them again. I promise)

Dropping them into the sewer grate right outside your house (done this one)

Flushing them down your own toilet

Sealing them up in a computer case (Engine block, patients stomach, etc)

Dropping them under the seat in a movie theater (or similar black hole like the clothes dryer)

Giving them away in the pocket of donated clothes

Dropping them in the ocean (bay, river or killer whale pool at Sea World)

Leaving them on the seat of the taxi cab in Australia that dropped you off at the airport

Going for a walk with them in your pocket and arriving back home without them

Giving them in a rolled up newspaper to Mr. Henry Potter

In the garbage disposer (technically, though, you'll still have them)

leaving them in the door of your house at night and not finding them in the morning

Letting your wife or girlfriend keep them safe for you

Influence Me!

Gentle Reader;

Now that man week has concluded. I'm sure that there are unhappy folks. Oh well. It was a hoot!

So now I'm looking for some ideas. If there is something you've been longing to see here, save sanity, now is your chance. Let me know. Request a 20 things, ask a question for a geek perspective or simply insult me. Whatever. I'm not promising to post your ideas, but who knows what your comment might spark!

Thanks for the help.

Kludge
Editor and Chief

Kludge Proof

Proof that I do live up to my name!


I accidentally broke off the end of a security dongle. What is a dongle? A dongle is a piece of hardware that plugs into a computer and verifies that you did in fact purchase this five thousand dollar software package. Without this small piece of plastic and circuitry, nothing loads. It's important.

The break occurred at 7:00 on Sunday night, after I had almost completed all my after hours work. One last thing to do. I was moving a 1U rack mounted server and didn't know it had a dongle. I set it down when I heard the crunch. I'd snapped the USB connector clean off. I was all alone and no replacement available. The software HAD to run by Monday morning. Not should. Had.

So... I did what anyone would do. I panicked. I swore. I wept. Then I started thinking.

I cannibalized anther USB cable in my office and removed all the metal tongs. I bent a fith piece around them all and wedged them into the PCB on the dongle. This whole process took about an hour or so. Had there been a soldering iron here I could have used that. I'm not a very practised solderer so I'm not sure if it would have been better or worse. All in all the Frankendongle was completed. It was shaky at best.

So... I put it in the computer...and the LED powered on and the software loaded up!


That little kludge stood in the gap for about 10 days until the replacement arrived.

The Fray - You Found Me

Some days this song just begs me to play it. I just feel it speaks to me.

Random Typing The Fourth

Yet Another Random Typing Post. I'm just going to let whatever thought pops into my head out for all the world to see. This is glimpse into my brain, or a warning not to read on. Whichever you prefer. Only spell check beyond this point.

Yet Another Random Typing Post. Almost sounds like it should be an acronym for something. Yartp. Like the sound a turtle makes just before it realizes that you're planing on eating it. I wonder who ate the first turtle? Seems to me you'd have to be pretty hungry to look to something that ugly for food. I presume of course that they'd had chicken and beef at this point.

"I'm not looking for something tasty. No, I was hoping for more slimy textures in my diet."

Dieting sucks. Honest. There is not a single pastime that makes you think more of eating than not eating does. I never get the sort of crazy craving I get except when I'm dieting.

"Well that salad was good. Maybe if I put some roasted turtle on there next time!"
"Yartp!"
"Oh look here's one now!"

What is a calorie? You can't touch it, but it can sure touch you.

"What happened to your pants?!"
"Calorie attack"

I love mail. Even junk mail. Not SPAM but junk mail through the postal system. Like advertisements for vacations I can't afford, free wet wipe samples or coupons for pizza joints in my town. Stuff like that. It's nice to feel needed, even if it's just by some large faceless company entered out in Omaha. Why do so many junk mailers come from Omaha? Who knows.

Never shake hands with a man in the restroom. Seriously. Don't even acknowledge another man exists in a public restroom. Some people are comfortable having long chats in the John. Those people are called women. Any man who does this looses serious points in my book. I'd rather rip my arms off and play croquet with them then have a long talk in the restroom. Can't you see the fear registering on my face?! Why are you still talking to me!

Oh look. Work has arrived on my desk again. I feel tainted, yet oddly obliged to do something about it...