Taking A Stab At Unicorns
Unicorns are a mythological creature. They are a fantasy, much in the same way as this blogs popularity is. They don't exist except in the minds of story spinners and in a few odd corners of Manhattan. For the most part people accept this and move on with their lives understanding that they will never get to see one.Others defy this logic and spend hours of their lives gluing horns on horses heads in some vein attempt to re-capture their youthful imagination, a good photo op from the local newspaper or just a good portion of someone else's hard earned money in the kitty of their traveling freak show. Some people will just never learn.
"Welcome to my unicorn farm."
"Where are their horns?"
"We cut them off every year and sell them as party hats to the tourists."
"Doesn't that hurt the Unicorns?"
"No. Don't be silly. It's just like getting a haircut."
Unicorns do exist, I rode one at the fair. That's a lie. I didn't ride it, but I did see it. No I'm kidding, I never go to the fair. That's a lie too. I love the fair, well... sometimes. Mostly though I just like to go into the hall of 'seen on TV' products and marvel at the wonders of non-stick waffle and salsa makers and wonder why everyone on Earth isn't using this amazing new whammy shammy to clean up messes! So anyway... what was I saying?
Right. Unicorns like bacon. No... that wasn't it. They do, but we weren't addressing their dietary needs. Ah yes, I recall.
Ahem...Science cannot disprove the existence of unicorns. So too bad for the folks who brought us the explanation of osmosis, the correct atomic weight of barium and my personal favorite, the inclined plane. So sorry, but with all the white lab coats in the world, not even the brave men and women of science can claim the unseen doesn't exist. Just that it's highly unlikely. And if they do, these creepy horse horned things somehow managed to avoid dying in river beds and begin covered in sedimentary rock for all these years.
Regardless people will still hold some unnatural obsession with the most boring of all these mythical beasts. The one horned horse. The white, good natured one horned horse. I'm sorry but if I'm going to believe in a myth, at least it should be slightly interesting. Like a Minotaur or a Hydra. Sure they're deadly, but hey, you always know when you've seen one.
"Was that a man with the head of a bull wielding an axe?"
"No Bob... I think your eyes are just playing tricks on you again."
20 Things I Learned From Life
Plastic Cutlery
I have nothing to type, but the same old tripe
I have seen nothing new, but I'll do as I do
And pump out more lines and waste all my time
Doing this thing that I can't seem to shake!
Sometimes I just sit at my keyboard and wonder, "Why blog?" The only answer I have is, "Because Peter, if you don't, this stuff will stay in your head. While there it will begin to crowd out the more important stuff like, 'how to wear trousers' and 'that one should never poke policemen with cutlery'. This knowledge is important, and you don't want it pushed aside by the inconsequential garbage used to fill up blog posts."
Or there you are one day, walking around town with just your underpants jabbing away at some cop with a plastic knife and then what do you have? That's right, and fractured skull and grounds for a giant lawsuit. So...
...hmmm. Anyone know where I can get some plastic cutlery and a really cushy hat?
The Kamikaze Fly
He comes! He's here!
The kamikaze fly
Right in your face
Retreat! Beware!
Invading your space
Odds against him
You're Big! He's Small!
Risking life and limb
Dive bombing nut
At full throttle!
Right into my gut
Spinning and thrashing
Swiping! Chasing!
With arms a lashing
Yet on he dives
Retreat! Retreat!
If only to survive
Peter Brown 2008
Of Friendships and Heaters
Rufus and Jerry were at war, there was no simple way to say it. Rufus wanted to triumph over Jerry, dance a jig of joy on his losing carcass and then parade it through the streets of town, loudly proclaiming his victory. Jerry might have felt similar, but he wasn't going to let such emotion show through. Rufus was going to beat Jerry in might and Jerry would best Rufus in mind, but neither was going to lose. With so much at stake that much was certain.Rufus and Jerry were friends. Long time friends. Friends that drank Kool-Aid together and sang songs about cattle rustlers on the open range. The kind of friends that would sell a brand new water heater to the other for only fifty bucks. If they only knew, that water heaters sold at such a bargain often feel indignant. "I'm worth more than three hundred bucks. How insulting!"
As such this water heater made a decision. Work like a 50 dollar water heater. Once a water heater sets its mind to something there is little to be done. Any competent repairman will tell you that. They tend to very hot headed and stubborn, oddly enough. And so a conflict between the two friends was born.
Rufus was scalded several times while showering, hot water sprayed out from faucets in spurts and generally he began to feel that Jerry and he were not going to be sharing anymore Kool-Aid together. In fact, he began to get very hostile with Jerry. Demanding his fifty buck back, so that he could stock up on bandages and burn treatments from the local drug store.
Jerry, of course, took offense to this. I mean, he paid four hundred dollars for this heater and sold it to Rufus at a great bargain. So the insults flew.
"Thief! You sold me a broken water heater! It's totally unsealable!"
"Oaf! You broke a perfectly good water heater. What do I want with it now?!"
"Moron! You always make the Kool-Aid too sweet!"
"Idiot! Kool-Aid is suppose to be sweet!"
As these things go, so too this one went. Until one day they squared off and decided to settle it like men. In a Kool-Aid drinking contest. The first one to go to the restroom, had to pony up to their side of the bargain. Either Rufus would eat the fifty bucks and hate Jerry forever, or Jerry had to pay it back and hate Rufus forever.
After twelve cups a pieces, there was little chance of turning back. And so it went for two and a half hours in this crazed Kool-Aid showdown. Filling up their large metal steins. Chug. Chug. Chug. Of course it didn't end pretty. After nearly four hours of this madness both men fell into a severe sugar coma. Neither man awoke.
They were buried side by side with tongues and lips showing bright pink stains. The water heater was discarded in a neighbors back yard, along with their mugs. Years later when these artifacts where unearthed, someone was bound to ask. "What madness could this be about."
It's nothing really, just a sad story of friendships and heaters.
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