Taking A Stab At Unicorns
Unicorns are a mythological creature. They are a fantasy, much in the same way as this blogs popularity is. They don't exist except in the minds of story spinners and in a few odd corners of Manhattan. For the most part people accept this and move on with their lives understanding that they will never get to see one.Others defy this logic and spend hours of their lives gluing horns on horses heads in some vein attempt to re-capture their youthful imagination, a good photo op from the local newspaper or just a good portion of someone else's hard earned money in the kitty of their traveling freak show. Some people will just never learn.
"Welcome to my unicorn farm."
"Where are their horns?"
"We cut them off every year and sell them as party hats to the tourists."
"Doesn't that hurt the Unicorns?"
"No. Don't be silly. It's just like getting a haircut."
Unicorns do exist, I rode one at the fair. That's a lie. I didn't ride it, but I did see it. No I'm kidding, I never go to the fair. That's a lie too. I love the fair, well... sometimes. Mostly though I just like to go into the hall of 'seen on TV' products and marvel at the wonders of non-stick waffle and salsa makers and wonder why everyone on Earth isn't using this amazing new whammy shammy to clean up messes! So anyway... what was I saying?
Right. Unicorns like bacon. No... that wasn't it. They do, but we weren't addressing their dietary needs. Ah yes, I recall.
Ahem...Science cannot disprove the existence of unicorns. So too bad for the folks who brought us the explanation of osmosis, the correct atomic weight of barium and my personal favorite, the inclined plane. So sorry, but with all the white lab coats in the world, not even the brave men and women of science can claim the unseen doesn't exist. Just that it's highly unlikely. And if they do, these creepy horse horned things somehow managed to avoid dying in river beds and begin covered in sedimentary rock for all these years.
Regardless people will still hold some unnatural obsession with the most boring of all these mythical beasts. The one horned horse. The white, good natured one horned horse. I'm sorry but if I'm going to believe in a myth, at least it should be slightly interesting. Like a Minotaur or a Hydra. Sure they're deadly, but hey, you always know when you've seen one.
"Was that a man with the head of a bull wielding an axe?"
"No Bob... I think your eyes are just playing tricks on you again."
20 Things I Learned From Life
Plastic Cutlery
I have nothing to type, but the same old tripe
I have seen nothing new, but I'll do as I do
And pump out more lines and waste all my time
Doing this thing that I can't seem to shake!
Sometimes I just sit at my keyboard and wonder, "Why blog?" The only answer I have is, "Because Peter, if you don't, this stuff will stay in your head. While there it will begin to crowd out the more important stuff like, 'how to wear trousers' and 'that one should never poke policemen with cutlery'. This knowledge is important, and you don't want it pushed aside by the inconsequential garbage used to fill up blog posts."
Or there you are one day, walking around town with just your underpants jabbing away at some cop with a plastic knife and then what do you have? That's right, and fractured skull and grounds for a giant lawsuit. So...
...hmmm. Anyone know where I can get some plastic cutlery and a really cushy hat?
The Kamikaze Fly
He comes! He's here!
The kamikaze fly
Right in your face
Retreat! Beware!
Invading your space
Odds against him
You're Big! He's Small!
Risking life and limb
Dive bombing nut
At full throttle!
Right into my gut
Spinning and thrashing
Swiping! Chasing!
With arms a lashing
Yet on he dives
Retreat! Retreat!
If only to survive
Peter Brown 2008
Tug Of War
"What is this?""It's a hardware store. Just look around!"
"I see unwashed men in baseball caps. What are we doing here?"
"We're looking at tools! Just take a gander at this beauty!"
"LOOKING AT TOOLS! What in the world! We don't belong here!"
"Why not!?"
"Because we should be at home, playing a skirmish in Supreme Commander. Every second in this place deadens us and steals our edge. How are we going to take on two adaptive AI's by standing in this lumberjacks den?"
"Wait a minute, I want to have a peek at the router bits."
"Router bits?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, both of those words are in my vocabulary... but for some reason I'm not following you."
"A router is a device-"
"-that serves a gateway between two networks. I know. I'm the geek, remember?"
"Yes. But this kind of router shapes edges and removes material based on various cutters or 'bits'."
"Bits are knives? Wait...you want something to cut at wood? Is this a parallel dimension? What is this all about? Do I have to explain how hard it is to type with splinters and a freaking callous graveyard all over your fingertips? What could you possibly know about cutting at wood with knives. Even saying that sounds ridiculous."
"Bits. Well I've only just started, but I have to admit, it's kinda fun."
"Fun!?"
"Yes"
"Fun is hacking a home grown script or installing a new computer network from scratch. Fun is not cutting at wood with a shaper thingy.""
"I disagree. I've really been enjoying it."
"Is that why you've been in the garage instead of the office?"
"Right. I've been working with wood. Because it's 'fun.'"
"Cutting at wood like a beaver isn't fun! Fun is spending thirty hours in an immersive world, rendered at a blazing 10.8 billion pixels per second on a rocking video card in a system with dual quad core processors over clocked to 50% their normal specs and regulated with a liquid cooled processor mod."
"Whoa! That's quite a system. I can't afford that!"
"Not if you spend all your money on plaid t-shirts and chewing tobacco!! Should I start calling you Jeb?"
"It's just a new hobby, and right now I sort of like it. I'm not saying I'm ditching my video games. I'm just saying I like spending a few hours a week in the garage."
"WITH THE SAWDUST!"
"Yes."
"You have a dust allergy!"
"It's getting better."
"Are thinking about getting tan, because if that's the case I'm never talking to you again! I mean it buddy we're done!"
"Well... I'm not avoiding the sun..."
"Baseball caps?"
"I haven't gone nuts!"
"Well, at least there's hope."
"I tell you what. I'll build you a shelf to hold all your software. That way its all organized."
"With your hands!?"
"Yeah."
"What if you cut one of them. I need all your fingers. You understand that? Nod your head. Don't look at me like that!"
"Come on."
"Promise me! Have you ever tried to wire cables with 3 fingers. It wouldn't be pretty! Those fingers are still your livelihood, 'woodchuck'."
"I'll be careful. I promise."
"Sigh... I hope this is just another one of your stupid phases..."
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