iMac? Say It's Not So!

So I just got a new work laptop. My old laptop was purchased in 2004 and routed to me in June of 2005. It has been a faithful companion with a simple and stable Windows XP OS. I have kept it clean of temporary files, viruses and any bloat-ware.

In return it has dutifully connected to any and all network devices I have thrown it's way. Email, routers, Interwebing or whatever I needed. But the said truth is, as more and more software cram down more and more updates, the poor little fellow is lagging behind. Lets face it 1.66 Ghz isn't what it use to be. So I was delighted to hear that after 6 years I would be getting an upgrade. Oh that new upgrade smell...



At this point all of you regular readers just had your eyeballs pop out of your sockets! Sorry bout that.

We'll wait a moment for you to begin stuffing them back and begin the proper application of lubrication. Okay. Let's have another look. See, all is right in the world, it's a Dell.

The fact of the matter is I cannot stand Windows 7. No... I HaTE iT! Hate isn't even strong enough. What's worse than hate? Despise? I would go so far to say despise or even "if it were possible to order a fatwā against an operating system I would have no regrets in putting forth that measure and following through on it."

Yeah, so lots and lots. It's a very annoying, overly needy and just generally a piss poor attempt at an OS. It is intrusive, overbearing and stubborn. Like having a clone of me inside my computer. Only this prick doesn't agree with one thing I have to say.

I say, "Please stop asking me every two seconds if I want to allow an application to open when you know that I just clicked on 'Open'."

Windows 7 says, "Are you sure? This might decrease security!"

I say, "Please don't group all my open windows in the taskbar so I can't actually see what is running."

Windows 7 says, "Sorry that's a new feature that cannot be disabled."

To which I responded, "AHHHHH!!!!"

Then I started foaming and the mouth and bashing my head on my desk. When I awoke, hours later, I felt much calmer and I made up my mind (what little of it I had left) that if I in fact disliked this new Windows SO MUCH, would I rather have an OS X desktop overlay on my Windows 7 computer so that I wasn't required to interact with the vile substance that is Windows 7? Maybe, that would be better for my sanity, my skull and my office furniture.

I figure if it's going to try and be as annoying as a Mac at least it should have the simple GUI of a Mac. I mean, why be annoying, ugly and complicated? At least it can be pretty and simple. Heck 2 out of 3 isn't so bad. So my new Mac disguise is actually pretty cool. It's like having all the convenience of OS X with none of the cost or shame of actually having to own an Apple product. For me? A total win win!

A Sunday Afternoon

To quote a friend: "Do you know what my favorite thing about moving is? Nothing!"

A friend had solicited volunteers in helping them move. Personaly I've always enjoyed the process. What could be better than a giant puzzle game? You get the fun of lifting heavy objects, the stimulation of finding the best course of action in navigating hallways, stairs or other obstacles plus the exercise and banter with your mates. I would almost call it fun. Not roller coaster, gaming or movie theater fun but certainly more fun than sitting at home wondering what to do with your Sunday afternoon.

So when I got the opportunity to help I said, "Count me in!"

I had helped them move into this house about eight years ago. I recalled it being a really good move. It had it all, flight of stairs with a bend and narrow landings, loads of heavy items and lots of "from the hip engineering" to get things from A to B. Serious moving mojo was required.

Back then my group of friends were all newly married couples and moving weekends were pretty common place for us. I've moved a lot of people and I've always had plenty of support from friends during our moves. After a while we all got used to what was a good move and a bad move.

When moving a friend there are a few things you want to find out up front. Questions like:

"Do you have any particle board furniture that you are hoping to preserve?"
"Have you already packed everything in boxes?"
"Including all the items in your kitchen cabinets?"
"Does your TV weigh more that a VW Super Beetle?"
"How many boxes of books do you have?"
"Will there be pizza?"
Or the big one... "Do you have a piano?"

This question should actually be number one on that list. Turns out on Sunday the answer was "Yes, but it's already been moved."

So... as far as I'm concerned it was one of the easiest moves I've ever helped out on. In fact we only needed to take one load of items to a local mini storage. Super simple. We loaded up the refrigerator in my truck and only had to remove one gate from it's hinges. The friend I was helping was a well trained packer and had zero trouble finding room for all his items. In fact he did so well, he had plenty of room to spare. It was like watching a live action Tetris game with realistic grunting and sweating.

All in all I think we only spent two hours there. Afterwards my brother-in-law and I hung out at my place. We played video games, ate tater tots and watched Sci-Fi. Oh and I even scored a 19" monitor that was going to be tossed out. Pretty close to the perfect Sunday afternoon ever!

Mind Boggling

So I met him. Yes him;the statistical improbability of the universe. Sure it was hard to believe at first but I suppose sooner or later someone would meet him or at least we would all hear a report on his condition. It just so happens I chatted with him, the one guy left in the United States of America who has not seen Star Wars.

I was flabbergasted. Of course I responded to him in an understanding way,

"So I said, 'Use the force!' Ha ha!!"
"What?"
"You know... Use the force Luke!"
"..."
"Star Wars?"
"Oh....I've never seen Star Wars."
"Seriously!? What have you been doing for the last 34 years, living under flipping a rock!?"

Look I believe that there are people out there who have the ability to stand on their own behind, or even kiss it, but the odds of running into them are extremely low. In my mind this is the closest movie to a boyhood right of passage that has ever existed. Sure there are lots of iconic and memorable films out there, but when is the last one that actually change your outlook on the world? Every man I've ever met has had a secret fantasy that some old codger would find him one day, hand him a laser sword and explain he was the last person in the galaxy with the ability to save the universe from total destruction.

I saw Return of the Jedi in a dirty LA theater with my father and sister. I was six years old and it changed my life! We later rented the other two to help my young mind grow and learn! Star Wars wasn't about Luke, it was about all of us. It was about rising past your preconceptions of the physical world to grasp at something beyond your understanding. You get to save the princess, yell at droids, shoot down enemy ships and kick some remote butt with your flipping eyes shut!

How is that sort of elation not worthy a measly few hours of your life?

I wasn't talking to some 85 year old man either. This guy is in his late 20's. I can only imagine his reasoning. Maybe this poor clot believes that because it was filmed in the 1970's it's not worth his time. That's like saying no one had a great book written before the Kindle was invented. Idiocy. Or maybe he just watches Oprah and reality TV, I can only begin to fathom the listing for his Tivo.

Plus how many times has someone made a reference that he missed. I mean, how many Star Wars lines have just become part of the lexicon?

"I got a bad feeling about this..."
"No, I am your father."
"We're all fine here now. How are you?"
"Use the Force!"

And so many others. I could easily have a conversation with my friends using nothing but Star Wars quotes and we would all understand every word of it!

"Is there any more pizza?"
"These aren't the Driods you're looking for.."
"Last piece eh?"

I would say it should be required viewing for any American male, only that somehow betrays it. See, Star Wars just is. No one should have to be 'forced' to see it. In fact you should feel an empty spot inside you. You should be drawn to it like thirst draws you to water or how hunger drives you to get Taco Bell at 2AM. Star Wars is required by the male body for survival. In fact for your flesh not to yearn for it is wrong, scary and downright unnatural.

Beware The Walrus

I cannot begin to imagine that this sign is legit. Regardless it makes me laugh.


Of course I'm not taking any chances, and have begun to prepare for the invasion...

Holding Back The Tide

Why do we sometimes wait to go pee,
Instead of setting our caged liquids free?

Why do we sit for a couple beats later,
Ignoring our urges to which we should cater?

Why do we squirm in our seats in denial,
Of the river inside that should flow like the Nile?

Why do we walk by a restroom and think,
I can hold back the dam right up to the brink?

Why do we wait till our bladders are bursting,
To finish a task for which our organs are thirsting?

Why can't we just say, "Excuse me all please,
I have a strong pressure I'm needing to ease?"

Once in the restroom your body's past ready,
You dance a small jig to hold yourself steady

Then we flee to toilet to spill off your excess,
And finally be rid of those toxic possess

Then once you have purged you feel so elated,
And wonder inside, "Why should I have waited?"

"I'll not do that again." we resolve with our pride,
Yet next you're squirming, still holding back the tide.

Peter P. Brown 2011

Stretching

I used to write a 500 word post everyday, at part of this blog. I thought in the beginning that it was super simple. I could always find something to crank out and wax ridiculous about. Afterwards I would go back and tweak it, fix any errors I could find and do my best to be slightly witty or at least abnormal. If that post wasn't the best at least you knew there would be one tomorrow.

In fact I used to keep a scrap of paper in my pocket during the day, so if an idea popped into my head I would write it down and recall it for later. It would just be a phrase, like, 'Who invited the geek to the party?' or 'the bees are walking on the ground.' Just something to remind me of an idea I had or even to start a new one. Even made a post from my unused ones. The first year I cranked out almost 200 posts.

After a while the ideas just seemed to dry up. I think that's because I let them. Typing everyday was like stretching. It forced me to write and create and imagine. Not typing and focusing so hard on the next funny idea was like a torn muscle.

"I can't run today. I torn a muscle. I'm out for a few..."
"Did you stretch first?"

Okay. I have to admit, the exercise metaphor is pretty weak. I know nothing about running. I never run. Well, unless I'm being chased. Even then I'd stop after a bit and just be done with it!

"This sucks. I'd rather die then have to deal with all this puffing and sweating."
"I'm not here to kill you."
"You're not?"
"No! I'm an insurance sal-. Hey I thought you said you were done with running"

Insurance salesman get a bad rap, that's only because they're all a bunch of money hungry slimeballs...

As I look back on my post sometimes I wonder if I've thought of everything possible to write about. Clearly not! There are always things that affect our lives and rarely do those things happen without some amount of humor! At least in my life. My life is one big laughing stock!

So, I'm going to try stretching a bit and see where it takes me. The truth is I really do enjoy blogging, whether or not it is still in vogue. At the very least you'll have something to read. As to that something being worth your time... I have no idea!

Birthday Giveaway Results!

The Giveaway is complete. Thanks to everyone for playing!

Last night about 8 O'clock or so I had Patricia pull the names out of my dirty baseball cap. Check out pictures on the Facebook page!

The first runner up was Mr. M! And will get to choose a pin or magnet from one of my cafepress shops.

Allergy to Nature Battle of Wits Beg for Bacon Broadsword Extra Spicy Flees from Bees Fueled by Caffeine Geek Love

I Heart Monday Crazy Not Albino Over Caffeinated Power Corrputs Remote Road Game

Running Tool Skydive Sleepy Work Laundry Sushi Girl Syadmin Magic Wood Mangler

The Grand prize went to Tina!

I'll be sending her out the Juniper bush pen



Thanks again for playing. And hopefully I'll do another one of these in the future. They are a lot of fun!

Birthday Giveaway!

Today is my 34th Birthday and I'm celebrating like a Hobbit. You get the gift!! That's right I'm giving away another pen. This one is awesome!! ONLY 2 Days Left!!

It is made from juniper bush. Recall this post? Juniper Roots



All you have to do, is post a comment below. Tell me you want the pen, what color your hair is or why you think my feet smell like rotten cheese. Whatever. No restrictions. (Even wives of empolyess can enter...)

Like Kludge Spot on Facebook and you get a second entry in the drawing. I'll also be giving away an item from my cafepress store for the runner up!



The Game Rules:

1. No vulgarity. I reserve the right to delete any comment. This will remove you from the contest.

2. Wining. I will randomly draw the wining name from a hat on Sunday August 14th of all caption entries. The winner will be contacted Sunday evening via email, and announced Monday August 15th

3. United States for free shipping. If you live elsewhere and don't mind pitching in the extra cost for international shipping {about $8 I think} I'll totally ship it to you)

4. Contact. I need a way to let you know you've won the prize. And I'll need your shipping address to send it to you. So sign up with blogger, or OpenID, or something that I can contact you with. Otherwise I'll move on to another contestant.

5. Have Fun!

Surviving Summer

When I was kid, summer was magical. It was a time when teachers had lost their controlling grip and my parents cared little for my whereabouts or even showed much concern for my bedtime. Summer for me was long days spent by the pool and the familiar smell of my fathers BBQ. I recall birthday parties, long bike rides with friends and a total freedom that was unparalleled for any other time of the year. In short my parents let me loose on the world and required little of me. The exception was being home for supper and bed, unless of course I could find a willing friend to shelter me for the night.

Summer was awesome.

None of these memories come close to the last nine weeks of parental bliss that we have endured at the mercy of a hyperactive five year and a stubborn seven year old stuck in the rut of summertime blues. My eldest daughter was born with Down Syndrome. As such our lives tend to play out a little differently than we had planned. Since the seven year old cannot talk yet, and is still a bit unsteady on her feet, outings are a bit of a struggle. It is near impossible to even go to supermarket alone, let alone for a walk or even to the park. So while I'm at work Patricia tries to get through summer.

I presume my parents felt the same way during summer. A couple of kid loafing around the house for three months with nothing to do. I don't recall any issue, but again I had a sibling and we did a pretty good job of keeping each other busy. Either by spending time in the pool, inventing concoctions in the kitchen or exploring the backyard with the imagination of child. Hannah doesn't have a playmate. In fact Alexis would rather whack her sister on the head with whatever large implement she could find than play anything with her.

In Alexis's defense, after 9 weeks of non-stop Hannah, she might be justified.

We did manage to get in a good number of summer fun activities, including a family day out to an amusement park. We went down to Gilroy Gardens, which is about 3 hours away from us. It was a blast. The youngest ran around and went on rides until the parked forced us out the door! We rode roller coasters, drove fake cars and waited in line for hours with plenty of thread worn parents. It was a hoot and everyone seems to have a genuinely good time. Even Patricia and I.

The next morning while sitting at the breakfast table Hannah asked, "Where are we going today?!!"

One more week till school starts, one more week till school starts....

Star Wars Fans

If she doesn't understand this level of love dude, you're better off without her...