A Passing Decade

Ten years have passed since the last time I dressed up in a tuxedo.

A lot can happen over ten years. It's amazing when you look back at a span of years and realize what path your life has taken and where you have evolved to as a person, couple and family. Things like moving six times, cycling through 7 different jobs, buying two houses, the birth of two children, losing people that you loved, making new friends, and the fading of others. Holding conversations with youths that you can recall in diapers, and wondering what became of people that you used to know so well.

The last time I wore a tuxedo was on my wedding day. Over ten years ago. Ten years. Wow.

Life is hard. Marriage is work. You don't know that when you're standing there, at the base of the aisle, as your bride-to-be, decked out in all her beauty and glory, comes marching down to be with you forever after. All you are thinking, is "I love her. That will be enough." And it is for a time. But life isn't all about tuxedos, gowns and white packages that say "many happy returns". Those many happy returns are yours to work out. A note can't do much on it's own. Love is not the flutter in your chest. Love runs much deeper, so deep that some days it's hard to find. Marriage isn't always easy. Sometimes it sucks.

In ten short years I have generated a thousand tearful encounters from my thoughtless words and deeds. I have yelled when I should have been understanding, and silent when I should have consoled. I've seen days pass in conflict while solutions are avoided and disregard due to my anger and self pity. I find that 'Why can't you just be this' or 'Why did you do it like this?' are frequent used arrows in my quiver of domestic vocabulary, and that the salve of 'I appreciate everything you do' is, at many times, so very hard to find. In ten years I have created dozens of catastrophes, agonies and broken my share of dishes and hearts.

In ten short years I've uttered ten thousand 'I sorry's, I've begged for forgiveness when it had been handed out so freely only moments before. I've purchased more flowers and boxes of tissue than I can even recall. At times I've felt like a villain and days I was sure I was a saint. Arguments, fights and defeats are a normal part of life. They cannot altogether be avoided, but if you believe you will never see them, then you are assured to find yourself mired in them.

In ten short years, I have been blessed with countess 'I love you's and buried under welcome piles 'thank you's and hugs. I've smiled, sung, danced, and lived happier than any other period in my life. I've laughed with my bride about things, just to laugh and walked hand in hand down the dirtiest street with a smile on my face. I've basked in the glow of her smile and been ignited over her joy of things that had faded to mere embers in my soul. Disneyland, tacos, Christmas, and piles of sharp cheddar cheese to name but a few.

Today you have a chance to recall your ups and downs. Embrace the ups. Recall the love and hope and joy but don't forget the downs. Not so you can dwell on them, but rather as a marker to remind you where you've come from. If you don't remember where you've been, you might find yourself driving back that way someday.

Decades pass and life goes on. Today I've remember that flutter in my heart, standing at the base of church waiting for my life to start and I can't wait to start a fresh again.

The Peanut Butter Man

In typical Kludge Spot fashion, I've decided to post about something that is both completely obscure and pointless. This will be my second post about sneezing. I think, in general, it's a topic that needs more attention. I'm talking up the sneezing mantle. You'll notice I'm also wearing rubber gloves. Rubber gloves are a must when dealing with sneezing mantles.

It seems to me so odd that we bless people for sneezing. What in the world is that all about? Now I can see some of you out there looking all smug, like you know something that no one else does.

"Peter" Mr Smarmy-Pants gushes, "People used to think that a sneeze was the release of an evil spirit from your body."

"Uh huh."

"So," he smirks, "You see it makes perfect sense."

No it doesn't! I'm sorry, it this was true, and someone actually believed an evil spirit was escaping from Joe Sneezy-Face, I doubt these hyper-superstitious people would just say, "God bless you," and then go about their normal business.

No way. If these people actually believed that someone just released an evil spirit into an otherwise polite tea party, you wouldn't just smile nicely and get back to your scone. These folks would do what they always do. Drag the sick person outside and burn them at the stake.

As well they should. I mean really! If you thought some demon possessed nut case was out spewing evil spirits all around the town, while good people were innocently buying their collared greens, I should hope that you would want them to be burned at the stake.

No I imagine it doesn't have anything to do with demons. I bet it's just some weird thing that happened quite by accident. Like most things go, we've just forgotten the real reason, then made up this ridiculous story about evil spirits to cover but for our own ignorance.

The Bishop of London and brother Titus were just hanging out in London. A really old London, you know, right before the double decker buses. So they were padding down Queens Walk to the tube, when Titus just lost it. I mean he went nuts with some sort of crazed dust allergy attack.

People, pets, shopping bags and anything else that was near by was just covered. It was a real bad scene. So there they sit, after the carnage, surrounded by a load of very unhappy folks. The bishop knew that if he didn't do something fast, he could wind up with a load of egg on his face, er well, you understand.

So, the bishop, not knowing what to do, said the first thing that popped into his head. "God bless you". Needless to say, it was a hit. I mean everyone really got behind it. Soon everyone was blessing everyone else who sneezed. It went so far, that people were hanging their heads out of Hansom cabs just to get themselves a nasty virus so they could come down with a real serious sneeze. Blessing spread all over London and the world, and nobody had to be burned at the stake. Unless of course it was a witch that sneezed.

Well, that's my idea at least. It certainly seems more likely to me.

Oh, and I like peanut butter... The chunky kind mostly. Though some days I have been known to dip the smooth. Who can guess why.

Under Guard

Last night was a milestone for me. I realized last night that there are people in this world who live on another plane of reality. A plane were fact and physics have no hold. Where all you have to do is dream and someone is going to get paid. That place is called marketing.

Yesterday evening I was asked to participate in a survey. I was asked to share my opinion on deodorant. This wasn't an extremely difficult task and I must say, for the most part, it was enjoyable. I was asked to rate about 15 new deodorant ideas. I really had to stop and think, "Do I care about my deodorant?"

Being a guy I can't say I've thought much about it till last night. I just go to the store and buy the same white and green container I always got. In fact when I was asked what I currently used, I had to stop and think.

"It's got a green cap. When I can't find it, I get the one with a blue cap."
"I see..." He sort of scribbled that down. "Do you know the scent?"
"It has a scent. I'm just not sure what that is."

So we continued and I was asked to rate new ideas. Ideas like putting human pheromones in a stick of solid to attract a potential mate. I had to be honest with him.

"I don't know what a pheromone is, but I don't care."

"Why?"

"Because I don't know what Sport Talc is either but I'd buy it in a pinch."

And so it went. Fresh meadow sent, to caffeine stick, to tingling gel.

"There are two types of sweat?" I ask.

"That's it's claim. What do you think about that"

"I think I better have a few more swipes each morning!"

I felt bad, because I was convinced that a deodorants job was to keep you smelling good, and most of these didn't really care about that.

"How do you feel about sprays?"

"I liked them in high school."

"That's interesting. Why?"

"Because at 15, nothing was as much fun as spraying someone down with a can of musk. Solid just didn't have the same effect."

"Ok. Well, what do you think about this one? We put silver in the stick."

"The metal, silver?"

"Yes, it will help kill bacteria that cause odor and keep you dry. It has encapsulated nano-technology that is time released to keep you dry. It will wick away any excess moisture and keep it from your clothes."

"Where will it wick it to?"

"I'm not sure."

"Can it come with a green cap?"

Occams Razor

Entities should not be multiplied beyond necessity - Occam's Razor

What Occam meant by this, is that if you encounter something that has multiple possibilities, the least complex is also the most likely.

To drive this point home let me give you an example. Today I saw that halfway through the morning the door to my office was missing it's core cylinder. This is the part you would normally put your key in. Near the end of the afternoon it was back. How could this have happened? I was not alarmed. I simply applied Occam's Razor to the problem, with a liberal amount of shaving cream of course.

I figured that they aren't trying to lock me out of my office. No. More likely the key cylinder fell out sometime today unnoticed by me or anyone else. It sat on the ground until someone with a good pair of running shoes happened by. Those type of shoes with the really high insoles for support. This person had just been out for a jog. This person more than likely had just stepped on some gum and, unbeknownst to them, picked up my key cylinder.

During their jog they remembered something. And came by my neighbors office who is their manager. My neighbor was not in. This person then roamed around the office looking for my neighbor who had forgotten to sign this persons vacation form. Today being the last day before they left for their vacation, they needed this signature quite badly. After an hour or so this person gave up. They resolved that there was little they could do beside weep and kick things. They then kicked the door jam in the break room and dislodged my key cylinder. They didn't hear it fall due to the little screaming voices in their heads telling them about how lonely Tahiti would be without them.

When afterwords the office shuffler happened by and accidentally shuffled my key cylinder right past a friend. The shuffler and shufflers friend then engaged in conversation for twenty minutes or so about soap and it's less practical uses. As they were about to leave, the maintenance tech happened by.

He noticed my key cylinder and due to his strong work ethic, checked every door in the office for a missing cylinder. He found mine empty and replaced it. Additionally he left a sticky note for me explaining the whole affair. As fate wold have it, just as he turned around a gust of wind blew up the note and it stuck to the back of his pants. The note was only freed as he walked out the back door. It is now sitting in the top of an oak tree where it will live out the rest of it's days quite peacefully.

So as you can see, it was a perfectly normal thing to happen.

Kome To Karls!

Kome to Karls Katfish! Kajun kuisine served up fresh. Kaught by Karl in the kreek. Karl kooks it in his own kreative way. Kan you resist? Karls’ kalls to you!

It's becoming difficult to drive down the road and not be assaulted by the gross misspelling on shops, resturants and other retail establishments. I was headed south on the highway when I passed the "Kar King" and had to wonder what they were thinking. Would it be so horrible to just be the "Car King?" Would they not be able to live with themselves knowing they passed up such a catchy misspelling. I'm also curious if they don't feel just a little less intelligent every day they walk through that door.

It was about that time that Karls ad popped into my head. I though it was funny so I wrote it down the first chance I got. It occurs to me people will perceive Karls ad to be ridiculous and the Kar King as a normal occurrence. Is it any wonder that society cannot spell? They haven’t got a chance. They are assaulted as they walk down the street, with Krispy Kreme and others of it’s caliber. I just thought of another one… how about this one?

Kneds Knives aknd Kutlery! Knobody turkned dowkn at Kneds! Will sharpekn all your knives aknd kutlery. We offer the fiknest selectiokn this side of the couknty likne. Kneds knives aknd kutlery…where all of our bargikns are a steel!

We can all agree that Kneds' ad is absurd but it seems to be the natural progression of this phenomenon. I suppose only time will tell.

I leave you this morning with one last advertisement from the realm of the ridiculous. Enjoy!

Phranks Phone Phriends! Need to be phreed phrom the anxiety oph the day? Call Phranks phone phriends and relax. Talk about the phreeways, your pherns or the neighbor’s philthy habits. Every day is Phriday! Call and pheel phine aphter a phew minutes! At Phranks phone phriends we are here to hear.

As always feel free to share your own...