Lazy Thursday Blues: 8/30/07

"Never do this!"

"Terror sale on isle 4! Buy the 4 gallon Terror tub and get the spray attachment for spreading Terror evenly."


Stuff I found this week:
Light Saber - The New Household Tool

This is the closest you can come to being a superhero

Mario Bro's Cake

20 Things I Learned From Pork

Pigs are for eating. E.B. White was a fool

If it was a part of a pig, someone, somewhere has eaten it. Additionally, they probably liked doing so.

There a few inedible pig parts. Even those have been tried numerous times.

Nothing tastes like pork. As such, it's not the 'other' anything. Pork is the one and only.

Even bad pork is better than the best veggie burger

Cured, Smoked or BBQed? Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Some people can't or don't eat pork. That's OK, this just means you'll be able to have a second helping of ham

With over a 100 variety of cured sausage alone, you will never find yourself saying "No, not pork for dinner again?!"

Cured pork *is* medication, the illness being lack of pork.

Pigs are designed to be dirty and gross, so as you don't feel guilty killing and eating them.

Of course once you've fallen for pork, you would eat it even if it looked like a kitten and frequently said, "I love you."

The four food groups could easily be re-written to,
1)Sausage
2)Bacon
3)Ham
4)Pork Chops

Sure you might gain some weight, but obesity is a small price to pay for ultimate happiness

Eating all this pork might also have long term health effects, but who wants to live longer if you can't eat bacon?

Pork simplifies your life. Breakfast? Pork. Lunch? Pork. Dinner? Pork. Sleep, Repeat.

There is no such thing as extra bacon. Anyone who has extra doesn't know what they're doing.

Italians know more ways to cure pork than anyone on the planet.

If you don't have an Italian friend, go find one right now.

If pork was ever to disappear off the planet, many of us would just stop living.

If you don't understand, then you probably never will.

Lazy Thursday Blues: Stuff & Junk & Stuff

Here we are yet again on the end of another blogging week, and another LTB. This first picture just screams "Post Me"...so I did. I really do get a kick out of this!

"Rubber ducky you're the one, You make bath time so much fun, rubber ducky your my favorite kind of..."


Awesome birthday cake!

Why is she selling Pokemon Cards on Ebay It's worth finding out.

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord All Classic movie wrongs made right. A bit lengthy.

Random Text From A Blithering Idiot

I can't think of anything funny. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'll just talk about the voices in my head. People will sometimes ask me where I come up with my strange ideas and I have to admit, I don't. The voices in my head do.

That might be why so many of my posts end up having dialogue in them. I talk to myself all day long, like some escaped mental patient. Arguing about decisions and wondering about things. I have to say there are times that I surprise myself with the things that I say. Is that weird? Does anyone else to this? Will you be reporting me to the local authorities?

"I think you should stop."

"Why?"

"You are scaring off the readers."

"Oh... Really?"

"Maybe you should just write a post like '20 things I learned as a crazed psychopathic'"

"That's a bit rude."

Or sometimes I'll just belittle myself...but only if I really deserve it. I can't say that I'm sure how I got to this point, where I thought this was an acceptable post, but there it is. Take it or leave it.

"You know I've been thinking about tan lines, car people and sneezing..."

"Save it for next week, Ok?"

"Fine."

Turkey Gangs

There is a very real threat in my hometown. Turkey Gangs. Few who wander into the turf of these vicious thugs live to tell the tail. (Yes, that was a blatant poultry pun) When you look at the below photo the first thing you think might be, "Man you need to wash your windshield!" but after you get past the streaks and bug grime, you'll see the Gobblers.



The gang cornered me in a rather nice neighborhood about a month ago while I was driving around. I made a wrong turn and suddenly found myself in disputed territory. The Gobbler Gang swarmed my car and started mocking me.

"Get out of the car boy, and we'll see who gets the stuffing knocked out of them!"

"I got your Thanksgiving dinner right here son!"

"With a side of creamed coward!"



This one came right up the car and started looking for lot he could pillage. Luckily I had my wits about me, and started snapping photos. Otherwise no one was going to believe me! It was absurd! After I got a couple of click I needed to figure a way out of this without ruffling too many feathers. (And another one!)

"I have lots of dried corn scratch at home..."

"Really!?"

"Honest! Let me go and I'll come back with some. Ok?"

"Sweet! Don't take too long now!"

"Yeah, we'll be waiting!"

Well the ruse worked like a charm. I even had one run along with my car for about a block or so to give me a nice Gobbler send off. It was a rather close shave, and I'm glad I didn't lose my head. Of course truth be told, they were all just a bunch of real turkeys!

The Abused

What is it about tension that makes people bite their nails? I don't understand. It's not like it accomplishes anything at all, besides more discomfort. Freud has some theory on this, but personally I don't care. I'm sure anything Freud had to say would make me feel even worse about myself than any amount of nail biting would.

Lucky for me, I am a guy and no one really cares how my nails look. It's more that I just don't get it. I mean I don't start chewing at my elbow or gnawing on my knee whenever I'm on edge, so why attack the poor harmless nail?

It's not his fault I can't make something work. He didn't schedule three appointment at the same hour all in completely opposite directions. In the fact the only thing he did, was be useful. He's there when I need him for a can of soda, opening DVD cases or helping me wire cable.

Life with nub nails is a painful life at best. It's amazing how often you use them, and how sensitive skin can be after being shielded for so long by a nail. I now wince at every keystroke and jumped twice yesterday while trying to replace the double-a's in one of my child's toys.

It will do you well to recall this, next time you decide to take out your nervous energy out on something smaller and weaker than you. Because in the end what does the nail get for all his years of useful servitude? Pain and misery every time I get uncomfortable. So if you are ever feeling low and put upon, consider the hardworking, under appreciated, and overly abused fingernail. Life as a nail, really bites.

Lazy Thursday Blues: Collection Day

Or as an old co-worker of mine used to say 'Stuff & Junk & Stuff" Again, feel free to caption the below pics, or just enjoy and clickety click on the links.

They're going for the newly popular "antiqued' look.


And the latest craze to hit the street...I've had this shot in my file for months debating whether or not I should post it. Here it is, even though I still have no idea what it is he's thinking. Secondly are those all his and if not, who would willingly put their baby there?



Hvanig Trbolue Raeidng Tihs? You Shouldn't

Take 5 and relax... No really, that's all.

Idiot Test Simple. Right?

Kittenwar! Like judging cute kittens? ...sigh... I know that some of you are nodding. Well then go nuts on kittenwar! for the rest of you check of the "losingest kittens" section.

Microwave Maniac Check out the Christmas lights...

Coffee For Brains

Coffee for brains, as I turn on my truck
It's completely is charge, and with any luck
It'll get me to work while I take in the view
Believe me or not, I tell you it's true

Coffee for brains, my skull is a mess
Void of all thought, no worry or stress
As I open the door to start a fresh day
I pass folks in the hall, and have nothing to say

Coffee for brains, as I sit in my chair
I pour out my joe and I smell at the air
The aroma of thought trickles in through my head
I feel like a sleeper raised up from the dead

Coffee for brains, as wait for the cooling
I wipe at my mouth, as it's corners are drooling
It wants to be whole, wants to get at this cup
For there is my intellect which soon will wake up

Coffee for brains, as the first mug I drink
I now see the world and my brain starts to think
As I rely upon logic I must gleam from this act
I have coffee for brains, that's just simple fact

-Peter Brown 2007

Chew Toy

Here we are, yet again, on the cusp of more knowledge that I'm sure I'm the only one sharing with you today. It has to do with something that has been bouncing around in my head for a number of years. At this point a fair amount of my readers, the ones who have been with me for a while, just signed off. For you poor unfortunate souls who remain, let me explain.

Whenever I start a post with, "bouncing around in my head for a number of years" this is a waring sign. It means you're about to get a major dose of nonsense. There are a good number of people who have had quite enough of my nonsense to last them a good many years. For the rest of you though, let me share with you my thoughts on gum folding.

I'm a gumer, a gumee, er...I mean, I gum. This was not always the case. For the last 3 years I've had a fake tooth attached to a retainer, and was unable to chew gum without taking it out. Since this was not an enjoyable experience for either the gum chewer (gumer) or the gum offerer(gumee)I mostly refrained.

Since I now have my new permanent tooth though, I am a very liberal gumling. I go gumming all over town now, just because I can. My only thing is this. What is the proper way to apply said stick of gum to your mouth?

"What!? Is that what this is all about? What are you talking about?! You just put it in."

"The whole piece?"

"Of course! Why not?! Why are you wasting my time with this gum eating stuff!"

"Aren't you concerned about choking, or how you look?"

"How you look putting gum in? No. Just shove it in there!"

"What about rabbit style. Do you ever 'rabbit' your gum?"

"..."

"You know nibble it a little as you insert it, so it's broken up my the time it's in."

"Never."

"What about model mode?"

"Dare I ask..."

"In all the commercials you always see models folding it in. You know, they sort of catch the one end on the the front of their tongue and then fold the stick in half, smiling all the time. They seem so happy to chew gum. Do you think gum folding makes the gum taste better?"

"I'm not sure how..."

"I mean, you know, am I missing some euphoric gum experience by not folding my gum correctly? Like maybe, it releases certain flavors or something?"

"Well...uh..."

"I try it every once in a while. Mostly though, I just mess up the landing point and instead of folding it, the gum slips back to my throat and I start to gag."

"Wow..."

"Yeah, I know that can't be right. Anyway, I want to keep trying but I'm just not sure it's worth it. What do you think?"

"Think? I'm not sure I can anymore."

20 Things I Learned From Sci-Fi

(A tongue-in-cheek list of things to come)

Tomorrow is coming for you, ready or not.

Robots and aliens will be there too. If you're lucky they'll be good. Don't bet on your luck.

If you hear the phrase "We come in peace" batten down the hatches, you're about to get pummeled.

Clones are evil. I don't know why. Oh yeah, so is déjà vu.

If you need artificial gravity on a ship or space station, you just need to spin the object in space. This works every time.

Technology will only work if you really don't need it to (eg. Transporters, hyperdrive or automatic coffee dispensers...).

In the future, machines will turn on us. So try and be nicer to your microwave.

Even if the odds seem infinitesimal, whenever you travel through time, you will always run into a relative of yours.

Causality loops, spacial distortions, titanium and spandex jumpsuits are really common in the future.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to hook your brain to a computer. Why wait?

The future is either really good, or really bad. We do away with moderation around 2015 or so.

Whether you like it or not, there will be a time when something catastrophic happens to Earth. More than likely we did it ourselves.

Lucky for us, Mars is a lovely place to raise a family and everyone vacations on Io or Callisto.

In the future, people can read your thoughts, foil hat or not.

At some point, we do away with physics. Therefore we have no relativity and have replaced it with huge explosions in the vacuum of space. Explosions are cooler than relativity anyway.

All aliens are smarter, stronger or more advanced than humans. Humans are the dregs of the universe.

Though we're really not that different from aliens. Even if they breathe cyanide and eat rocks, they probably can quote Shakespeare.

While we will have phasers, neutrino bombs and particle destabilizers, we will still mostly fight with our fists.

No one uses paper money in the future. We will have things called 'credits', which everyone has but nobody accepts as payment. Sort of like pennies.

42.

There Is No Escape

Today is it, my last day. Today I have torn pants, a strong back, a happy life and a carefree outlook on life. Tomorrow I will awake and put on my big boy pants, pop an Advil or two and begin the bitter decline of life. It's over, times up. Tomorrow I'm turning 30!

I've been telling myself that I don't care.

"Whatever, it's just a number. It doesn't change anything."

"Sure it does. It means your going to start turning into your father."

"What?! Why would that bother me. Do you think I care about that?"

"Yes. Everyone does. Look, your hairs already graying..."

"I did notice that..."

"Have you started muttering to yourself?"

"Started? This isn't good. I still feel young."

"Don't worry about it, everyone gets older. Here's some simple signs: High Schoolers look like 12 year olds-"

"Check"

"They call you 'sir' at the grocery store-"

"uhg..."

"You start complain about the newest clothing styles-"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

I'm not sure what it is, but today I'm really not looking forward to 30. It's funny to, because I've really haven't even given much though until today. I've been telling everyone, "I really don't care." And until today, I really didn't. I mean I really like being in my twenties. I still feel young, even if I do have a mortgage, kids and a respectable job. I mean I can go and do something totally irresponsible and someone can just be like, "Oh well... he's still young."

Not after tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be the responsible person I have been throughout most of my twenties. It's like being in the line to a really scary roller coaster and then trying to bail right before they send you off. There isn't anything you can do. Your already strapped down, it's happening and soon you will be cresting the hill and heading down. Scream all you want... it won't change the facts. Sooner or later you just have to realize it. Your old.

I think it might this idea of looking ahead. I've been looking ahead all my life.

16 - Then I'll get get to drive
18 - Then I'll get to vote (Trust me all young conservatives look forward to this day!)
21 - Then I'll really a full fledged adult!
22-29 - Get everything done I can because 30 is coming and life will soon end.

What am I look forward to now? Liver spots and memory loss? Oh, well...

...what was I talking about?

20 Things I Learned From Tech Support

As long as the world turns, users will still have problems

Substance abusers and computer operators are the only folks called users. This isn't by chance

When in doubt. Reboot

Sooner or later you will meet a person who types out the words "back slash" or forgets to plug in the power cord. If you haven't yet, just wait, you will

Fear the phone. No one just calls tech support to wish you good morning

No user will tell you the whole truth at the beginning of a call

"I didn't do anything" or "It just happened" Are the users mantra

As a support tech, it is your job to break down resistance and get the truth

This is so you can rub the lie in their face, fixing the issue is just a perk

Some people will never learn

This means you will always have a job

Maintain a calm voice, even if you're screaming on the inside

The hold button is your friend

Whatever you do, don't panic

The answer to all users questions should be "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" even if this is a bald-faced lie

Users can smell fear. Once you've lost control, all is lost

A user who is not listening to you anymore, but rather is trying "their own thing" is not worth your time. Simulate a telephone disconnect and hang up. Trust me, you're better off.

Sometimes fixing a computer is easier than figuring out why it was broken

Users always want a reason things are fixed. If you're not sure just lie. They won't know anyway. "A stray electron passed through the processor and caused..."

If possible ask to speak to the youngest person present

Lazy Thursday Blues: The Return

So I found some cool stuff in the last week and wanted to share it with you. The below picture is now a personal favorite of mine. Feel free to caption it, or just stare open mouth in amazement that:

A. Someone would do this.
B. They would take their picture and post it online
C. They wouldn't smile.

That last point makes realize that this person isn't doing this a gag but more than likely to try and communicate with person or persons unknown. Best of luck Earl!



Stuff I found this week:

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

You Are: Anakin Skywalker- Struggling for self-assurance over hidden angst, you are highly adept and full of surprises. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Not sure what answers got me this one..


You Can Get Arrested For That? Fishing in your pajamas is illegal in Chicago. Noted.

Death Wish

Th stench of death lingers in the air. Hanging over my house like a dark shroud, striking down randomly and without any warning. It siphons off joy and prohibits any lengthy relationship from forming. I thought after the last time it ripped life from it's conquest I would be free of it for a while. It seems that was too much to hope for and now my heart is saddened once more.

The unknown killer took yet another DVD player from it's happy home. As with any DVD player that I dare to bring into my house, it didn't live a very long or terribly useful life. Apparently being purchased and brought into my house is like an electronics blackball. For one reason or another my house is as good as a bullet to any DVD player.

We have now lost 5 DVD players to the dark visitor. Four of those in the last year. The first one just stopped spinning up the discs, I guess it just got bored of it. Two started eating DVD's. I had to disassemble it completely to remove my MacGyver DVD, which looked like someone had given it a gravel bath. Three and now four just stopped turning on. Like they're pretending that no one's home. It's hard not to wonder if we either just have horrible luck, or we've made their conditions so miserable that these devices all have some sort of death wish.

Is the regular fair of Classics, Musicals, Sci-Fi, Retro Television and Children's videos just too much too handle?

"How much Star Trek and Calamity Jane do you people want to watch?"

"I don't know... Hang on, are you talking to me?"

"Yeah,. I'm sick of this! Do you have idea how many features I have? You have me hooked up with an ancient composite cable! Most of your movies don't even have subtitles! What's wrong with you two? Don't you ever watch anything made in the last five years!? Do you even have surround sound?"

"No. We don't really need it."

"I'm starving here people! I was expecting so much more! Action! Adventure! Comedy! You know...Like the pictures on the box! Did you even look at my box?!"

"I have the new Star Wars movie..."

"Whoa there, geek boy, you need to lay off the Science Fiction! How pasty can one person be?!"

"Hey! Look here, you'll play whatever I want, that's the way it works, cause I got the remote control and.."

"Oh yeah?! What if I don't want to anymore? Check this out...I quit!!"

!ZAP!

And with a small power surge, a puff of smoke and the smell of burning electronics, another was snuffed from life. Maybe five will be my lucky number... probably not.