Survival

I found myself left to my own devices in the wild lands. Thrown into a survival situation where man is pitted against nature. I did my best to fend off the threats of the untamed boondocks that was my personal jungle.

Like all good survivors I assessed my surrounding and took in all the resources I could gleam from a first glance. Then this old bushman began ticking off my internal list of priorities.

Was I in any danger? Not initially. The natives seems to pay me no heed as they were engrossed in a episode of DuckTales and there was a good 12 minutes of brain numbing programing left to play out. I wondered for a moment if Lauchpad would be able to save McDuck and his nephews from the Beagle Boys and their rather clumsy plan to separate Scrooge from his money. I shook my head loose from the fog. Clearly the atmosphere in this place was affecting my judgment. I needed to keep moving.

Was I thirsty? Not terribly. Though I realized that I should always take the opportunity to hydrate whenever I was able. Crossing the room my bare foot landed squarely on the jutting head and strangely sharp arm of a Princess Aurora figurine that lay on the floor. I stifled my eek of pain. The last thing I wanted to do was to alert the natives and distract them from the attention sucking box. As I reached the wood patterned laminate counter-top my eyes found their prize. I took a sip of watered down apple juice from a Princess Ariel plastic cup. Clearly these natives worship at the Disney cartoon franchise altar. I should remember that if confronted...

Next priority was fire. If I was going to be here for long I would need both the warmth and security that fire offered.

"Daddy! Are you making fire!? Fire! Yes!!"
"I, Uh," Nuts. This might have been a bad idea. I now had the full attention of one of the tribal chieftains from this pink clan of Aborigines.

"Yes, but I want you to stand back while I'm getting it started and have the chain open."
"Okay. I love fire!! Mommy, Daddy's starting a fire!!"

I might have to worry about this one later, but for now the security of fire was already proving true before even before the first spark was seen. I then secured some dry tinder in the form of unwanted mortgage offers and mail order catalogs and proceeded to made fire. Though the lighter fought me valiantly with it's child safety features but man proved himself again and flames soon engulfed the press board firelog.

With thirst and fire off the list I next turned my sizable skill towards acquiring food.

"What's for dinner?"
"It's pretty late dear and we already ate."
"Oh."
"I can make you something..."
"Naw. I got it. Thanks."

I decided to skip on setting traps or snares as there wasn't much wildlife to be had in this region. I set myself into gatherer mode and was able to put enough calories together to replenished those lost while crumpling mortgage ads and flipping though the Lands Ends catalog before tearing it up.

"Oh Peter. I almost forgot. The water heater is broken. I have someone coming tomorrow to fix it."
"What?! Are you kidding me?"
"No joke. Guy said the thermo coupler needs replacing."
"That means I have to take a cold shower! What are we living in a jungle or something..."

Veronica Is A Hard Working Girl

Veronica is a hard working girl and I use her services quite frequently. She's always there for me and at my beck and call. I like her close beside me and hold her very tight. Now there are times with she seems a bit unresponsive but for the most part she suits my needs. I got her for a bargain and she was practically a steal for what she's worth. In truth my wife picked her out and new she was just my type. At 16 GB she holds quite a bit more than my previous flash drive.

Here's Veronica:


And here is her namesake:


Veronica Lodge from the old Archie comics. I have no clue why she popped into my head when the computer asked for a name after I first formatted her. It just did.

"Veronica is all loaded up and good to go!"

"Peter, why did you name your new flash drive Veronica?!"

"Because I'd already named my MP3 player Planchet"

Planchet is the manservant of d'Artagnan in one of the best novels ever written. If you are a boy or man and have not read The Three Musketeers stop everything you are doing this instant. Now, go to the bookstore and get a real book. Paperback or hardcover. One that you can pick up, hold, feel, smell, dog-ear and doesn't require batteries or electricity and read The Three Musketeers right now. After that, feel free to come back here and finish this post. Women, I have no idea what the best book is for you but the wife seems awfully found of Pride and Prejudice.

Anyway there is something cool about plugging in my MP3 player and having Windows declare, "Planchet is ready what now?" It's like having my own servant standing at the ready.

"Load up those files and check to make sure they're all sorted correctly."
"Oui monsieur!"

Planchet has been with me since 2005. We've shared a lot together over the years, as only a man and his servant can. From Frank Sinatra, The Fray, Owl City to my recent obsession with Marty Robbins. In many ways Veronica could never be Planchet but honestly, that's not her job. Her job is digital shopping and believe you me, Veronica loves shopping...



Someday I might have to upgrade. She's got a lot of space, but I'd have no trouble trading her in for a newer model if I ever needed more than 16GB.

Yeah, you're right, men are pigs...

I Plumbered It Real Good

Sunday night. Why in the world would I honestly believe that Sunday night was the best time to begin a plumbing project? I must have been channeling the spirit of my plumbing impaired father for I believed that it would be a simple adjustment and would not cause me half a week of grief and angst.

It was Sunday night the 30th of October. At 10:00 PM was brushing my teeth and getting ready to go to bed. The sink was running and as it had done for a number of years was beginning to pool water up in the basin. None of this was new, unexpected or in the least unusual but for some reason that night it bothered me.

I mentioned it. "Sink is backing up" That's all. Just an idea, a simple thought. A seed. Why should I have to deal with that... Can't it be easily fixed? Should I continue to have it annoy me when I can fix it and not have it cluttering up my life anymore? "No," was the the correct answer but not the one I chose.

The issue was that hair had gathered around the sink drain stopper. You know that little chrome thing with the long plastic part that pops up and drops down? So the solution is simple enough. Pop it out. That's it just pop it out of the sink and remove the gathered wad of hair. Simple enough right?

Wrong-o. BUZZ!! "Nay," says the sink stopper manufactures. "Sorry homeowner, this part is a permanent and required fixture of our sink that cannot be removed without a pipe wrench, a set of child sized hands and the ability to wrap your body into a sink cabinet like a human pretzel." Of course this will not deter the persistent AKA crazy stupid people who only want a sink to work like it was intended free of hair clogs.

They will begin to undo the pipes in an effort to loosen them enough to get at this stopper clamping mechanism barricaded in the rear of the bathroom cabinet behind a strong fortification of iron pipes, copper pipes and uncooperative plastic fittings. This will be a mistake.

At 10:25 I found myself holding various sections of the pipe in my hands with a giant gaping hole in my sink. This hole was displaying a clear view of a wet bathroom cabinet if viewed from above. The stopper was out, the pipe was clear and the wife was in bed wishing with all her heart that this was not happening. The pipe was now the way I wanted it to be, that is free of stopper, and the bathroom sink was now completely unusable.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we persist when we know that the sacrifices required from the the plumbing gods are much steeper than any gain we could possibly get from antagonizing them? Right, because we are men and we are stupid.

Anyway. Four days later and many hours of toil behind me I now have what I wanted. A sink free of the stopper.

"I got it!"
"Nice. It flows good too...but..."
"But what?"
"You know...uh, things can fall down the drain pretty easy now."
"Oh crap. I hadn't thought of that."

Bruce Banner Costume

One white lab coat embroidered with "Dr. Banner Physicist". A green shirt & purple tie.

+

One set of wire rim glasses

+

Avengers & Shield ID tags



+

High tech Gamma Bomb plans



+

A set of green contacts

=

My Bruce Banner Halloween costume.
"You don't want to see me when I'm angry..."








Shout out to my wife for the idea and this guy for the details

Pizza Pen Prize Winner

Last night after a rousing episode of Mythbusters (The flying guillotine) I had Patricia draw a name out of a sweaty San Francisco Giants hat.



Matt & Robin are victorious. I am happy for them but honestly am I ever going to draw someone that doesn't require shipping charges! :) Thanks to everyone for playing. Keep checking in, as I'm sure I'll do another!

Matt & Robin email me your address and I'll get this thing out to the Equal Rights State...

For the record the sausage content of the pizza was 19%. It is visible in the picture as Missy noticed when she actually clicked on it!

Fun Facbook Games

There is a Giveaway going on right now. Enter before Oct 30th for your chance to win a handmade wooden pen!

Now that the announcement is out of the way...

I was bored. As a result I went on Facebook and as a result I came up with a great new idea.

Fun Facebook Games

#1:


Post "Happy Birthday" on someones wall when it isn't their birthday. See how many of their friends follow suit...


#2


Make up a new awareness day and post it to your status...

"The Monarch Butterfly used to number in the hundred billion, now less than 10 thousand a year are charted throughout the Americas. Today is Monarch Butterfly Awareness day. Show your support with a Monarch Butterfly Profile Picture"

#3



Give yourself an benign illness and soak up attention

"Doc says I've got a herniated uvula, and as such can't eat monkfish, chilli powder or pizza dough. Plus it seems that this is also a cause for my explosive diarrhea. Apparently the uvula does more than I ever imagined. Anyway looks like I'm stuck in my house for the next 2 weeks here enjoying Atkins pizzas..."

Why not? It's just Facebook. Have a little fun...

Pizza Pen Giveaway

It's time for another Pen Giveaway! Click here for past giveaway results.

Here is the item in question. A Maple/Yellowheart pen. This is a cross style pen finished with a mirror shine.


Now for the game...

This is the cover from a Chicago Deep Dish Pizza that I recently consumed with friends. What percentage of this pizza is sausage? Or tell me why you would rather I'd send you a Lou Malnatis deep dish pizza than a lousy pen...

Like Kludge Spot on Facebook and you get a second entry in the drawing. (With a qualifying comment below)



The Game Rules:

1. No vulgarity. I reserve the right to delete any comment. This will remove you from the contest.

2. Wining. I will randomly draw the wining name from a hat on Sunday October 30th of all caption entries. The winner will be contacted Sunday evening via email, and announced Monday October 31st on Halloween.

3. United States for free shipping. If you live elsewhere and don't mind pitching in the extra cost for international shipping {about $8 I think} I'll totally ship it to you)

4. Contact. I need a way to let you know you've won the prize. And I'll need your shipping address to send it to you. So sign up with blogger, or OpenID, or something that I can contact you with. Otherwise I'll move on to another contestant.

5. Have Fun!

Immersed In Politics

As of late I have been immersed in politics. Don't worry gentle readers, this is not a political thread. Well, I suppose strictly speaking it is but not like that. I'm not here to persuade anyone to my side or convince you of the correctness of my political vision. That simply isn't furthering my cause of "keeping the Internet weird"

I don't have television in my house. That is, I do not subscribe to cable or have an antenna on my tube. As such I don't watch much news. A couple weeks ago I was at training and holed up in a hotel with one sink and two 42 inch flat screens. Unless I wanted to catch up on A Baby Story or overgrown boys making motorcycles news was my only recourse.

I watched a lot of news... Which candidate said which thing on which day. Pictures of the President eating hamburgers.

"Will this be served in the upcoming visit? Back to you John!"
"Laura, are hamburgers kosher or will this be viewed as a slap in the face to the head of Israel"
"John, even though there is the word 'ham' in the name, hamburger actually contains zero pig or pig byproduct. So yes it can be kosher."
"Well, that is welcome news..."

Wrinkled Congressmen with starched shirts, bright ties and new legislation to make my life better.

"Congressman, how will this new Puppy Love Law fair in the Senate?"
"Well Jim, I think all puppies deserve love. This new bill just makes it more concrete. I think the Senate will support stricter fines for not loving puppies..."

Since then I've spent many hours with my head mired in the political system. There's a reason people say not to talk politics on first dates...

It can be boring to those who aren't interested. I can see my wifes eyes glassing over when I start in. The US political system is muddled with the cry from many voices, opinions, solutions, experts, editorials, conclusions, forecasts, stances, legislation, promises and peoples impressions.

"Jane, you look lovely."
"Thank you Bill. Oh flowers!!"
"So are you ready for our first date?"
"Since you didn't tell me what we were doing I wasn't sure what to dress for..."
"Well at first I though we could go see that new movie, I loved you when you were just a lowly pig farmer"
"That looks sooo romantic!"
"Then I thought, what about the opera. What says first date better that 'fat signing men dressed as weeping clowns?'"
"Not much!!"
"But then I got it!"
"Yes?!"
"I've got two tickets to the presidential debate. We can grab some taco bell on the way and then we can sit and watch rich old men dodge important questions and then argue over who was best and whether or not they like cigars or had illegal alien workers. After we can drive around town and argue about our political ideology for an hour or until we're both furious that I drop you at a park with no money to get home..."

Politics. It's kinda like that...

When IMAXed My Eardums Lost

It was a stunning theater with seating for 600+ or so in the heart of Santa Clara near my Sunnyvale hotel room. I was down in San Jose last week for wireless training and during the evenings needed something other than Penn & Teller on Discovery channel to keep myself entertained. I had watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes the night before and was bitten by the movie bug. Since the local 20-plex had and IMAX theater I figured I would be remiss to go and not see a movie projected 72ft wide by 53ft high. I was right to go, but that viewing came at a cost!

They were re-showing a number of films in the IMAX theater that had long since been available on DVD. I presume this was because there were no current run movies in the IMAX format. As such when I went they had Star Trek (JJ Abrams) which was my first pick and Inception. Due to scheduling issues and the fact that I couldn't skip wireless class to see a movie, Inception was my choice.

What more is there to say about Inception that I've not already commented on? It was awesome! But lets rewind...

I sat down at T-10 miniutes to showtime. At that moment I was the ONLY soul in the theater. I took a picture to show the sheer scope of an empty house with that many seats.



I think we can all agree that is impressive. Here's another one...



As you can clearly see, no people are visible in either picture. Sigh... so much for the use of a camera phone with no flash.

Regardless, this brings me to my next point. IMAX sound is not calibrated to a room without people inside it. Sounds waves travel through matter and on doing so attenuate to a certain degree. Thus it is more difficult to hear someone speaking in a hall full of people than if that same hall was empty. Even if no other sounds were conflicting with the speaker, just the shear volume of matter in our bodies would absorb a large portion of the sound. In order to overcome that rooms have their sounds systems calibrated to room with more people in it rather than less.

An IMAX theater that can have 600 people in it is no different. So you will not be surprised when I tell you that I had absolutely zero trouble hearing the movie. In fact it was ringing in my ears for the remainder of the night and some of the next day.

Even with that I will contend, as any concert goer will tell you, that my loss of hearing was a small price to pay for the amazing spectacle of that performance. I almost wet my trousers when the freight train came barreling through the first layer of the dreamscape and gun fire came crescendoing up from the corners of the room.

And a near whetted set of trousers is good enough to tell anyone just how much entertainment was pounded into me on that Thursday evening, all alone in my IMAX experience.

Jobs 1955 - 2011

And the man who always could pick a winner has passed.


Technology might not ever be the same.