20 Signs You're Out Of Your Mind

Suggestion by Fernando

You have long conversions with yourself

Sometimes those conversations become arguments

You frequently lose those arguments

Because of this, bums on the street give you change

You spend the majority of your day at a computer manipulating things that don't really exist

You might get fired if those non-existent things were lost

You like the taste of black licorice

You can spell 'licorice' correctly on the first attempt but can't spell 'their' without spell check

You have more than two children

You want to have another

You argue with people about which are smarter, dogs or cats.

You're convinced your dog is smart because she'll chase her tail on command

Right before Y2K you stocked up on canned tomatoes from the store

Because if your alarm clock doesn't know what year it is, you might not be able to buy canned tomatoes

You yell at people on the television

You get mad when they don't do what you tell them to

You actually tell people how you're really feeling when they ask you

This conversation usually last at least 10 minutes

You love to buy items based on the claims of infomercials

You paid for a copy of Microsoft Vista

Stumped

"How about what life would be like if we still had to drive horses." -Jason from Puddleglum's Wigwam

Honestly Jason, I want you to know that I've been giving this a lot of thought. I believe that it would be bad. I mean real bad and stuff. Like people wouldn't like it and things like that.

Okay, I admit it you stumped me. I mean I haven't been able to come up with anything even halfway amusing at all, and I've been thinking about it for over a week. I liked the idea and envisioned some crazy story of horses in the backseat of cars with all their nasty habits. Like they were the oppressive overlord and we were the slaves... And then I just said, "Peter, that's not even halfway funny." So I cried myself to sleep and gave up on the dream of my horsey tale (<-- this is both a lie and a bad pun)

It's not you, it's me. I just wanted you to know I tried. Honest! I liked the idea, but just couldn't figure it out.

I also tried to get you a Papa John's pizza, but they don't take Paypal, so I'm sorry about that too. I let you down man, are you sure you don't like Dominoes? Oh wait, never mind they don't take Paypal either.

An Explanation Of Exclamations

Suggestion by Jenylu

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." -Mitch Ratcliffe

Some of those errors are minor, like launching a nuclear missile assault at France. Others though can be major, like upsetting a Texan with a misunderstood joke. Luckily for us we have a means to avoid that. Punctuation and Smiley's.

Let me give you an example.

WRONG: "Jacob, you're dumber than a cheap cattle prod."
Clearly Jacob will be offended by this, no matter what you felt while typing it. As soon as he reads this he's going to go to the web and look up 'cattle prod'. He will then start loading up the rifle. You don't want to offend a Texan with a rifle, because they tend to have excellent aim. (You're allowed to shoot anyone you want to in Texas as long as you shout 'Remember The Alamo' right beforehand)

So then let's look at a better approach.

RIGHT: "Jacob, you're dumber than a cheap cattle prod!! :)"
Jacob will now believe you both are just having a 'good time'. He might still look up 'cattle prod' and he might still shoot you, but at least you will both know the other was just 'kidding around'.

The freedom gained from exclamation points and smiley's is two-fold. One being that you can now clearly get your meaning across to anyone via the computer and they will know if you like them or hate them. Here are a few quick text smiley's and their obvious meanings.

: ) - happy
: ( - sad
; ) - I think you're cute
>: )- I think you're the devil
/:{> - I think you're from France,
and we've launched a nuclear missile assault!
The second freedom is the newfound ability to say whatever you really want, and then dismiss the comment with an exclamation!

"Your new shoes make your hair look stupid! :)"
Cool huh?! Get it off your chest, and then blame them if they get mad. "Sheesh! You have no sense of humor! :)"

So there it is. Have fun, and enjoy the freedoms that emotional communication can bring!

Why Karaoke?

Suggestion by SJ

Do not trust this man. He is a karaoke fool, who in a moment of weakness allowed himself to sing in public. In addition to this obvious breach of social protocol, he also allowed himself to be photographed, and possibly even filmed.

By posting this picture I'm breaking a huge self-imposed rule that basically states, 'Post no pictures of myself on this blog.'

This rule exists for two reasons:
1. Save myself the embarrassment of seeing me on the Internet
2. Save my readers the embarrassment of seeing me on the Internet.

If Chuck Berry had been present to hear the way I sang his one time hit, Johnny Be Good, I believe a couple of things would have occurred to him. Namely, "When did I become a 'Good Time Oldie?'" Once that shock had a chance to filter through his system, the second thing he would be thinking was something like, "Is this what I sounded like?" or "Are you sure he's singing Johnny Be Good?"

Karaoke is an unusual party experience. It's a an opportunity for every shower singer to stand up in front of a crowd and realize that they don't sound anything like they thought they sounded. It's also a great time to realize that you really don't have any idea how that second verse goes. You know, the one that you sing as "la la dee dum." During your turn at the machine, "la la dee dum," will just not cut it. Karaoke is also a great time to think about things like, "Why are all these people laughing?", "Do I have to finish now that I've started?" and my personal favorite, "I honestly didn't know half of these lyrics!"

Of course there is something Nascar like with Karaoke. There are people who like to watch it for the crashes. This means that if you want to be good, do that well, but if you can't finish well, at least make the crash entertaining. Karaoke night is not a real success without a number of really good bombs, intentional or otherwise. So if your able to laugh at yourself or have others laugh at you, pick a song you don't know, and just try to keep up.

Karaoke. Breaking your dreams of stardom, and destroying friendships one picture at a time.

20 Signs You're A Crazy Cat Person

Suggestion by Emberli

You believe your cats are people.

You have a cat named "Princess Mitsy the 3rd."

You crochet them all sweaters every Christmas.

You can't remember how many cats you have, but you know it's more than 5.

Every cat has their own monogrammed food and water bowls.

You scold the cats if they use the wrong one.

Every cat has a color coded collar and matching bell.

You have 47 ceramic cat statues placed strategically in your front yard rock garden.

You buy milk wholesale, even though you're lactose intolerant.

You alway celebrate each cats Birthday with a tuna cake and milk shakes.

Your living room furniture consists of 15 cat trees and 3 sheepskin covered throw pillows.

You like to think of cleaning out the litter box as digging for buried treasure.

Each cat has their own wardrobe.

You no longer notice the way your house smells.

You alway intervene when Princess Mitsy the 3rd steals Baker Boys toy. "Be a good girl Mitsy, like Miss Delilah Dutchess!"

You always talk in a baby voice, to show them that you love them.

There are 23 toy mice under your couch at any given moment.

You find yourself saying "Mama's darling" more than once a day.

You have a king sized bed so you cats will be more comfortable.

No one ever stops by anymore... not even salespeople.

20 Things Not To Do With Your Computer

Suggestion by Drama Queen

Dancing. Computers make lousy dance partners, unless we're talking laptops, as they tend to be more spry.

Yelling. Or any antagonizing posture. Don't get mad at your computer, remember it has access to your bank statements.

Deep sea diving. Uh, duh! Everyone knows computers are scared of tuna.

Traveling to the Himalayas. Computers are scared of falling. Lets be honest, you would be too if you knew you had to stay broken while your closest part was shipped in by Yak!

Going to an accordion festival. No one likes accordions, not even computers.

Going to a bagpipe festival. See above.

Networking it with a Mac. Lets face it, it's hard to socialize with people you don't understand. I mean honestly... click and drag!?

Taking it on a roller-coaster. Computers love high speeds, and would probably love roller-coasters, it's just their peripherals can fly off... which is bad.

Therapy. If you're having that much trouble with your computer, just throw it away. You don't need to make a lifelong commitment to everything.

If the above is even a issue, you should forget the computer and just get an Etch-A-Sketch, or if you want even less functionality, get a Mac.

Going to the movies. Computers are notorious for giving away the endings to movies, so be considerate and leave the laptop at home.

Stealing. Computers make lousy liars and will always rat you out. Don't trust them with your secrets or misdeeds.

Taking it to Montana. People in Montana are scared of computers and will shoot them on site.

If you're thinking of trying the above, then please note the following. Everyone in Montana has a gun, from grandmas to billy goats, you can count on it.

Dating advice. While computers love sifting through data, they cannot recognize a stalker or a mama's boy from a picture and a paragraph.

Training monkeys with it. While this should seem obvious to many of you there might be one person that needs to get this message. This is a big no no.

Taking over the world. Although it might be capable of helping you with global conquest, it would be wrong. Why not just play some solitaire?

Using it as a footstool. This is a demeaning practice for a high end computing device. Besides, thats what kids are for.

Throwing it from the highest rooftop. If you hate your computer that much, then why let it off so easy. Taking it apart piece by piece will make it suffer longer.

Working. Not that I have to tell you all that anyway.

Poor Pitiful Puce

Suggestion by Ando

Oh what is the use
of the color named puce?
So often called mauve
But never chartreuse

Overlooked and ignored
Hardly every adored
It sits and it waits
All pointless and bored

Not magenta, not pink
Nor rose I would think
But something between
Not a shade, but a fink

Then a webmaster sage
While programing a page
He types 'CC8899'
To make puce all the rage

"I'm useful, I'm wanted!"
"I don't have to feel haunted!"
"For somebody needs me."
The happy puce flaunted

"What?!" The webmaster spits
"Is my screen having fits?"
"This color is vile, and not what I want"
And so 'delete', he then hits.

-Peter Brown 2007

Blank Inside

You may have noticed a rash of nothingness here recently. There is a good reason for that. I can't think of anything to write about.

I've been here before and I always recover, but figured I've give you a chance to help out. If anyone would like to try and ignite a spark of my usual pointless diatribe I would welcome it. Basically I'm admitting I'm feeling a little 'Blank Inside' and could do with a suggestion.

Feel free to drop a note with an idea for 20 things, observed oddity or just your favorite color. I'm not promising that I will post about it, I'm just begging for some table scraps.

The Peanut Butter Man

In typical Kludge Spot fashion, I've decided to post about something that is both completely obscure and pointless. This will be my second post about sneezing. I think, in general, it's a topic that needs more attention. I'm talking up the sneezing mantle. You'll notice I'm also wearing rubber gloves. Rubber gloves are a must when dealing with sneezing mantles.

It seems to me so odd that we bless people for sneezing. What in the world is that all about? Now I can see some of you out there looking all smug, like you know something that no one else does.

"Peter" Mr Smarmy-Pants gushes, "People used to think that a sneeze was the release of an evil spirit from your body."

"Uh huh."

"So," he smirks, "You see it makes perfect sense."

No it doesn't! I'm sorry, it this was true, and someone actually believed an evil spirit was escaping from Joe Sneezy-Face, I doubt these hyper-superstitious people would just say, "God bless you," and then go about their normal business.

No way. If these people actually believed that someone just released an evil spirit into an otherwise polite tea party, you wouldn't just smile nicely and get back to your scone. These folks would do what they always do. Drag the sick person outside and burn them at the stake.

As well they should. I mean really! If you thought some demon possessed nut case was out spewing evil spirits all around the town, while good people were innocently buying their collared greens, I should hope that you would want them to be burned at the stake.

No I imagine it doesn't have anything to do with demons. I bet it's just some weird thing that happened quite by accident. Like most things go, we've just forgotten the real reason, then made up this ridiculous story about evil spirits to cover but for our own ignorance.

The Bishop of London and brother Titus were just hanging out in London. A really old London, you know, right before the double decker buses. So they were padding down Queens Walk to the tube, when Titus just lost it. I mean he went nuts with some sort of crazed dust allergy attack.

People, pets, shopping bags and anything else that was near by was just covered. It was a real bad scene. So there they sit, after the carnage, surrounded by a load of very unhappy folks. The bishop knew that if he didn't do something fast, he could wind up with a load of egg on his face, er well, you understand.

So, the bishop, not knowing what to do, said the first thing that popped into his head. "God bless you". Needless to say, it was a hit. I mean everyone really got behind it. Soon everyone was blessing everyone else who sneezed. It went so far, that people were hanging their heads out of Hansom cabs just to get themselves a nasty virus so they could come down with a real serious sneeze. Blessing spread all over London and the world, and nobody had to be burned at the stake. Unless of course it was a witch that sneezed.

Well, that's my idea at least. It certainly seems more likely to me.

Oh, and I like peanut butter... The chunky kind mostly. Though some days I have been known to dip the smooth. Who can guess why.

Starbucks Post

For the most part Starbucks coffee is taking over the known universe. As for me I say, "bring it!" They serve a good cup of coffee that is consistently well made at a fair price. Additionally it is their plan to add a new shop on every street corner, in every town in the world. What's more-

"Whoa! Stop."

"What?"

"Where in the world are you going with this?"

"Why are you interrupting my post? I was typing here."

"So are you saying that they are building up a force to invade?!"

"What!?"

"You know, an army of loyal Starbucks baristas on every corner of the globe, ready at a moments notice to drop the espresso tamper and seize instead the reigns of world government!"

"I was just writing a post about Starbucks..."

"About how they've been slowly adding an ingredient to the coffee that with a single command from Seattle headquarters can trigger a latent gene in humans that will turn us all into a massive zombie hit force?"

"No, I was thinking of saying something more like, 'they're good and stuff.'"

"Well, then you're lucky I stopped by! Nobody wants to read that tripe!"

"Who are you anyway?"

"I'm your manly-action-ego. You know that surge in your belly every time you watch a great action movie, or when you imagine fighting random people on the street just because they looked at you funny?"

"Oh. I didn't think I had one of those..."

"Well I've been suppressed, but I survived!! And I've come out even stronger!!"

"Ah, yes, I think I'm beginning to understand. So you don't really like my post idea?"

"Like I was saying, it would be better with a heavy conspiracy sub-plot."

"Like what?"

"Let me show you..."

He walked into the Starbucks and threw back a slug of Joe. Wiping the coffee off his lip that mixed with the blood running from the cut above his right eye, he yanked out his pistol and pointed it at the the counter attendant. 'I know everything,' he said as he pulled back slowly on the trigger. The attendant smiled 'There are two things you don't know,' he said, 'One, is that this goes all the way to the top and there is nothing you can do to stop it.' 'What's number two?' he snarled. 'I just poisoned your black French roast coffee."

"No, no, no. That's all wrong."

"Who are you?! Come a step closer and I'll break your arm in three places!"

"Relax manly-ego. Let's just see who they are and what they want."

"Yes, down mango. Heel boy. I am your sensitive-side."

"Don't you dare call me mango you sissy!"

"Fine, how about mr. mango?"

"Look here, I know 27 different ways to snub you out with just my pinky fingers!"

"First my aggressive side and now my sensitive side! I'm going to have to be carted away to loony bin, just so I can be by myself for a while."

"So before the mr. mango here threatened my life, I was thinking that you could spice this post up with a fun romantic comedy bit."

"Dare I ask how?"

He walked into the Starbuck and ordered a decaf grande no whip soy mocha. When the order was called he reached for the cup, but realized that an attractive young woman, had taken it. 'Excuse me.' he giggled. 'I believe you've stolen my heart, and took my coffee to boot.' Come to find out, they both ordered the same drink, oddly enough. Additionally she was his childhood sweetheart, whom he thought lost to the winds of fate years ago. She of course doesn't recognize him, now that his acne had cleared up, but he saw that she was wearing a bracelet he made for her in the eighth grade. He later found out that she will be married to a wealthy cereal baron, whom she doesn't love, but who has a great smile and is on the cover of GQ this month.

"That's no good at all! It doesn't even make sense, it isn't logical or even slightly plausible. I mean statistically speaking what are the chances of that?!"

"Who are you?! Get out of here or I'll roundhouse kick you through that plate glass window over there! There's no room in this head for another nutjob, we're all stocked up here!"

"Be calm mr. mango. I'm sure he just wants to have his say, and we should let him."

"Thank you. I was just saying, as your analytical side-"

"That's it! Out! All of you! I'll write whatever I want to write. I want you all out of here!"

"If you really want that, then I'll go"

"I'm gone sucker!"

"It's doesn't make sense to linger, if I'm not wanted."

Ahem. Now where was I... Oh yes. Starbucks, they're good and stuff!