Lazy Thursday Blues: Collection Day

Or as an old co-worker of mine used to say 'Stuff & Junk & Stuff" Again, feel free to caption the below pics, or just enjoy and clickety click on the links.

They're going for the newly popular "antiqued' look.


And the latest craze to hit the street...I've had this shot in my file for months debating whether or not I should post it. Here it is, even though I still have no idea what it is he's thinking. Secondly are those all his and if not, who would willingly put their baby there?



Hvanig Trbolue Raeidng Tihs? You Shouldn't

Take 5 and relax... No really, that's all.

Idiot Test Simple. Right?

Kittenwar! Like judging cute kittens? ...sigh... I know that some of you are nodding. Well then go nuts on kittenwar! for the rest of you check of the "losingest kittens" section.

Microwave Maniac Check out the Christmas lights...

Coffee For Brains

Coffee for brains, as I turn on my truck
It's completely is charge, and with any luck
It'll get me to work while I take in the view
Believe me or not, I tell you it's true

Coffee for brains, my skull is a mess
Void of all thought, no worry or stress
As I open the door to start a fresh day
I pass folks in the hall, and have nothing to say

Coffee for brains, as I sit in my chair
I pour out my joe and I smell at the air
The aroma of thought trickles in through my head
I feel like a sleeper raised up from the dead

Coffee for brains, as wait for the cooling
I wipe at my mouth, as it's corners are drooling
It wants to be whole, wants to get at this cup
For there is my intellect which soon will wake up

Coffee for brains, as the first mug I drink
I now see the world and my brain starts to think
As I rely upon logic I must gleam from this act
I have coffee for brains, that's just simple fact

-Peter Brown 2007

Chew Toy

Here we are, yet again, on the cusp of more knowledge that I'm sure I'm the only one sharing with you today. It has to do with something that has been bouncing around in my head for a number of years. At this point a fair amount of my readers, the ones who have been with me for a while, just signed off. For you poor unfortunate souls who remain, let me explain.

Whenever I start a post with, "bouncing around in my head for a number of years" this is a waring sign. It means you're about to get a major dose of nonsense. There are a good number of people who have had quite enough of my nonsense to last them a good many years. For the rest of you though, let me share with you my thoughts on gum folding.

I'm a gumer, a gumee, er...I mean, I gum. This was not always the case. For the last 3 years I've had a fake tooth attached to a retainer, and was unable to chew gum without taking it out. Since this was not an enjoyable experience for either the gum chewer (gumer) or the gum offerer(gumee)I mostly refrained.

Since I now have my new permanent tooth though, I am a very liberal gumling. I go gumming all over town now, just because I can. My only thing is this. What is the proper way to apply said stick of gum to your mouth?

"What!? Is that what this is all about? What are you talking about?! You just put it in."

"The whole piece?"

"Of course! Why not?! Why are you wasting my time with this gum eating stuff!"

"Aren't you concerned about choking, or how you look?"

"How you look putting gum in? No. Just shove it in there!"

"What about rabbit style. Do you ever 'rabbit' your gum?"

"..."

"You know nibble it a little as you insert it, so it's broken up my the time it's in."

"Never."

"What about model mode?"

"Dare I ask..."

"In all the commercials you always see models folding it in. You know, they sort of catch the one end on the the front of their tongue and then fold the stick in half, smiling all the time. They seem so happy to chew gum. Do you think gum folding makes the gum taste better?"

"I'm not sure how..."

"I mean, you know, am I missing some euphoric gum experience by not folding my gum correctly? Like maybe, it releases certain flavors or something?"

"Well...uh..."

"I try it every once in a while. Mostly though, I just mess up the landing point and instead of folding it, the gum slips back to my throat and I start to gag."

"Wow..."

"Yeah, I know that can't be right. Anyway, I want to keep trying but I'm just not sure it's worth it. What do you think?"

"Think? I'm not sure I can anymore."

20 Things I Learned From Sci-Fi

(A tongue-in-cheek list of things to come)

Tomorrow is coming for you, ready or not.

Robots and aliens will be there too. If you're lucky they'll be good. Don't bet on your luck.

If you hear the phrase "We come in peace" batten down the hatches, you're about to get pummeled.

Clones are evil. I don't know why. Oh yeah, so is déjà vu.

If you need artificial gravity on a ship or space station, you just need to spin the object in space. This works every time.

Technology will only work if you really don't need it to (eg. Transporters, hyperdrive or automatic coffee dispensers...).

In the future, machines will turn on us. So try and be nicer to your microwave.

Even if the odds seem infinitesimal, whenever you travel through time, you will always run into a relative of yours.

Causality loops, spacial distortions, titanium and spandex jumpsuits are really common in the future.

Sooner or later, you're going to have to hook your brain to a computer. Why wait?

The future is either really good, or really bad. We do away with moderation around 2015 or so.

Whether you like it or not, there will be a time when something catastrophic happens to Earth. More than likely we did it ourselves.

Lucky for us, Mars is a lovely place to raise a family and everyone vacations on Io or Callisto.

In the future, people can read your thoughts, foil hat or not.

At some point, we do away with physics. Therefore we have no relativity and have replaced it with huge explosions in the vacuum of space. Explosions are cooler than relativity anyway.

All aliens are smarter, stronger or more advanced than humans. Humans are the dregs of the universe.

Though we're really not that different from aliens. Even if they breathe cyanide and eat rocks, they probably can quote Shakespeare.

While we will have phasers, neutrino bombs and particle destabilizers, we will still mostly fight with our fists.

No one uses paper money in the future. We will have things called 'credits', which everyone has but nobody accepts as payment. Sort of like pennies.

42.

There Is No Escape

Today is it, my last day. Today I have torn pants, a strong back, a happy life and a carefree outlook on life. Tomorrow I will awake and put on my big boy pants, pop an Advil or two and begin the bitter decline of life. It's over, times up. Tomorrow I'm turning 30!

I've been telling myself that I don't care.

"Whatever, it's just a number. It doesn't change anything."

"Sure it does. It means your going to start turning into your father."

"What?! Why would that bother me. Do you think I care about that?"

"Yes. Everyone does. Look, your hairs already graying..."

"I did notice that..."

"Have you started muttering to yourself?"

"Started? This isn't good. I still feel young."

"Don't worry about it, everyone gets older. Here's some simple signs: High Schoolers look like 12 year olds-"

"Check"

"They call you 'sir' at the grocery store-"

"uhg..."

"You start complain about the newest clothing styles-"

"I think I'm going to be sick."

I'm not sure what it is, but today I'm really not looking forward to 30. It's funny to, because I've really haven't even given much though until today. I've been telling everyone, "I really don't care." And until today, I really didn't. I mean I really like being in my twenties. I still feel young, even if I do have a mortgage, kids and a respectable job. I mean I can go and do something totally irresponsible and someone can just be like, "Oh well... he's still young."

Not after tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to be the responsible person I have been throughout most of my twenties. It's like being in the line to a really scary roller coaster and then trying to bail right before they send you off. There isn't anything you can do. Your already strapped down, it's happening and soon you will be cresting the hill and heading down. Scream all you want... it won't change the facts. Sooner or later you just have to realize it. Your old.

I think it might this idea of looking ahead. I've been looking ahead all my life.

16 - Then I'll get get to drive
18 - Then I'll get to vote (Trust me all young conservatives look forward to this day!)
21 - Then I'll really a full fledged adult!
22-29 - Get everything done I can because 30 is coming and life will soon end.

What am I look forward to now? Liver spots and memory loss? Oh, well...

...what was I talking about?

20 Things I Learned From Tech Support

As long as the world turns, users will still have problems

Substance abusers and computer operators are the only folks called users. This isn't by chance

When in doubt. Reboot

Sooner or later you will meet a person who types out the words "back slash" or forgets to plug in the power cord. If you haven't yet, just wait, you will

Fear the phone. No one just calls tech support to wish you good morning

No user will tell you the whole truth at the beginning of a call

"I didn't do anything" or "It just happened" Are the users mantra

As a support tech, it is your job to break down resistance and get the truth

This is so you can rub the lie in their face, fixing the issue is just a perk

Some people will never learn

This means you will always have a job

Maintain a calm voice, even if you're screaming on the inside

The hold button is your friend

Whatever you do, don't panic

The answer to all users questions should be "Trust me, I know what I'm doing" even if this is a bald-faced lie

Users can smell fear. Once you've lost control, all is lost

A user who is not listening to you anymore, but rather is trying "their own thing" is not worth your time. Simulate a telephone disconnect and hang up. Trust me, you're better off.

Sometimes fixing a computer is easier than figuring out why it was broken

Users always want a reason things are fixed. If you're not sure just lie. They won't know anyway. "A stray electron passed through the processor and caused..."

If possible ask to speak to the youngest person present

Lazy Thursday Blues: The Return

So I found some cool stuff in the last week and wanted to share it with you. The below picture is now a personal favorite of mine. Feel free to caption it, or just stare open mouth in amazement that:

A. Someone would do this.
B. They would take their picture and post it online
C. They wouldn't smile.

That last point makes realize that this person isn't doing this a gag but more than likely to try and communicate with person or persons unknown. Best of luck Earl!



Stuff I found this week:

Which Fantasy/SciFi Character Are You?

You Are: Anakin Skywalker- Struggling for self-assurance over hidden angst, you are highly adept and full of surprises. "I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Not sure what answers got me this one..


You Can Get Arrested For That? Fishing in your pajamas is illegal in Chicago. Noted.

Death Wish

Th stench of death lingers in the air. Hanging over my house like a dark shroud, striking down randomly and without any warning. It siphons off joy and prohibits any lengthy relationship from forming. I thought after the last time it ripped life from it's conquest I would be free of it for a while. It seems that was too much to hope for and now my heart is saddened once more.

The unknown killer took yet another DVD player from it's happy home. As with any DVD player that I dare to bring into my house, it didn't live a very long or terribly useful life. Apparently being purchased and brought into my house is like an electronics blackball. For one reason or another my house is as good as a bullet to any DVD player.

We have now lost 5 DVD players to the dark visitor. Four of those in the last year. The first one just stopped spinning up the discs, I guess it just got bored of it. Two started eating DVD's. I had to disassemble it completely to remove my MacGyver DVD, which looked like someone had given it a gravel bath. Three and now four just stopped turning on. Like they're pretending that no one's home. It's hard not to wonder if we either just have horrible luck, or we've made their conditions so miserable that these devices all have some sort of death wish.

Is the regular fair of Classics, Musicals, Sci-Fi, Retro Television and Children's videos just too much too handle?

"How much Star Trek and Calamity Jane do you people want to watch?"

"I don't know... Hang on, are you talking to me?"

"Yeah,. I'm sick of this! Do you have idea how many features I have? You have me hooked up with an ancient composite cable! Most of your movies don't even have subtitles! What's wrong with you two? Don't you ever watch anything made in the last five years!? Do you even have surround sound?"

"No. We don't really need it."

"I'm starving here people! I was expecting so much more! Action! Adventure! Comedy! You know...Like the pictures on the box! Did you even look at my box?!"

"I have the new Star Wars movie..."

"Whoa there, geek boy, you need to lay off the Science Fiction! How pasty can one person be?!"

"Hey! Look here, you'll play whatever I want, that's the way it works, cause I got the remote control and.."

"Oh yeah?! What if I don't want to anymore? Check this out...I quit!!"

!ZAP!

And with a small power surge, a puff of smoke and the smell of burning electronics, another was snuffed from life. Maybe five will be my lucky number... probably not.

Breach

It happened. sometime between Friday night and Sunday morning. I torn my jeans. Right on the left knee. I had no choice I had to wear them to work, as they are currently the only pair of pants that fit me. So there I am, at work. I have a professional job and while I'm not required to wear slacks or a tie, I always try to maintain a clean and neat appearance.

A tear in your jeans cancels out any plus you would have received from a clean, pressed, tucked in dress shirt. I'm having flashbacks to high school. There were days that I was begging my pants to tear, willing them to rip. In high school a few well placed holes were the desire of everyone I knew.

It meant that your parents didn't love you enough to care what you were wearing. It meant you didn't love yourself enough to care what your parents thought. It meant that you, and your torn pants, couldn't be loved. It meant you were a tortured soul living in a world you couldn't understand, a world that refused to understand you. It meant, you were cool.

It probably didn't help that I graduated high school at the hight of the grunge era and no one, I repeat no one, looked grungy in neat, clean, whole pants. Luckily I grew up and shed my mindless jean tearing ambitions to the wayside. You laugh but there are still plenty of 'cool' people running around begging for holes in their pants. I now see that we were right all along. I totally don't understand them.

So here I am a professional in grunge attire. Trying not to look too cool for my geek image. All in all I believe it's a task that I'm more than up to. It's funny when you think about it though, because the hole is the same as it was ten years ago, just a rip in the denim at the knee. It's only my perspective that's changed.

Where did it go?

About five minutes ago I had a post idea. I would not say, "My best post" or even "A really good idea" but none the less an idea that I had and I was semi excited about blogging. So as I strode to the restroom and back, I had a conversation with a co-worker about the arcane computer punch cards (Do Not Fold, Bend, Spindle or Mutilate) then sat back down to write down my ideas.

The lesser of the two, tomorrows post actually, was written on my Post-It scrap, and then...Nothing. It was gone. What happened to todays post? In the span of about six minutes time todays post has sailed straight out of my head. I presumed that this was due to the engaging conversation of computing antiquities and that it would soon float back into it's rightful place below tomorrows post on my yellowish sticky pad. Still nothing.

Which begs the question what happened to the thought? We all lose thoughts from time to time and over the course of a lifetime must just accept that the brain is a bowl. I mean to say that it seems to me regardless of all the scientific study that says 'You only use 10% of your brain" and "You retain everything you've ever heard" we are just plain old stupid.

As far as I can tell my brain is not the veritable fortress for thought as the folks in these experiments seem to think it is. My brain is a finite bowl and a shallow one at that. It seems that someone is running around town with my shallow brain bowl and slopping the contents out continually on the street.

There are some days it feels more like a teaspoon even. Like it can't seem to hold anything except random facts about outdated network architecture and old company IP addresses. Apparently these things, which I'll never need to recall, have taken up all the room and new data cannot be stored for more than about 51/2 minutes without spilling over.

I imagine there is a gigantic repository someplace of all the misplaced knowledge from centuries of teaspoon brains rotting away. Stuff like how to solve world hunger, wipe out all known diseases and your great-grandmothers award winning recipe for apple dumplings. This of course has been replaced my more useful stuff like the number for the local pizza delivery place and who was the winner of the Heisman Trophy for the last forty five years running.