I Can Fix It...

Fixing Patricia's flat iron. Little was accomplished besides being positive that it is now, not functional...

When Words Mean Other Things

I was talking to a lamp supply store nearby about replacement parts for an overhead light. I was feeling a little strange as the conversation progressed.

"Hello This is Jim, can I help you?"
"Yes I need to get a replacement hickey."
"How big"
"They come in different sizes?"
"There is a wide variance in these things"
"Well I threw my hickey out when it broke"
"How big is your nipple"
"I don't know. Can you tell if I brought it in?"
"We can absolutely fit a new hickey to your nipple."
"Okay I'll stop by tomorrow."
"Just ask for Jim..."

I swear it went down just like this not 10 minutes ago. I'm still blushing...

Letter To The Creator Of Pizza

Dear Pizza Creator-

I wanted start off by telling you that I have no idea where I should be sending this correspondence. It seems that while many folks have claimed this title, few people live in any certainty of your validated existence. The Ancient Greeks, Byzantines and some guy in NY all claim a controlling stake in the great pizza creation debate. Personally I don't really care, I was just curious where I should direct this letter. This will simply save me on stamps.

I suppose in a way, all the false creditors of your pizza creation makes a fitting tribute to your dish itself. Not only is it so wildly popular that everyone on the planet is aware of it, but many believe they were the first to blaze this creative culinary crossroads. Additionally it's hard to dispute someone's claim of dreaming up the idea of putting tomatoes and cheese on bread. It's really not that groundbreaking of a concept.

In this simplicity hides a truth so fundamental we often glaze over it. Something doesn't have to be complex to be outstanding. Sometimes it's the simple ideas are the most revolutionary. Concepts like gravity, individual equality and that melted cheese on bread can constitute an acceptable meal or even a chain of successful restaurants.

Pizza is also so modular. It's basically the Italian sandwich equivalent. Where as something from the French like say, Pot au Feu or foie gras is famous for it's immutability. If foie gras was ever not fatty goose liver it would cease to be foie gras. Not so with pizza. It's choices make for endless enjoyment in what it is. I personally could enjoy a chicken pizza with equal love to a standard supreme pie. You can have it thin, thick, deep dish, covered in meat, vegetarian, Neapolitan, even with or without cheese. It is all still pizza. Save possibly a greasy cardboard like disc from Pizza Hut. From this point we will do our best to pretend it does not exist and I did not bring it up. Your legacy is still strong despite a few bad eggs.

Your pizza also brings up strong emotions. Could you imagine when you first spread that cheese on your pounded flat bread that it would grip people in such a fashion? There is a story that King Ferdinand I once dressed as a commoner, snuck into a poor section of Naples just to have a bite of your famous pie. It seems Queen Isabella decided as it was considered a poor mans food it wasn't up to snuff in the royal court. Now you can find it anywhere. In fact it is the most popular food in the world. The Beatles of food. Hows that for your creations meager beginnings?

Pizza also brings people together. How many other meals are as easily shared as pizza? Cut into slices and littered with a variety of toppings, pizza is perfect for anyone. In fact it's so crazy popular now that if you are a restaurant that makes pizza, people just expect to to bring it to them! I cannot think of any other food where that accommodation is presumed. Only for your lasting idea.

So, Mr/Mrs/Miss/Ms creator, you know who you are and you did real good. From a world of happy tomato pie eaters, let me simply say, thank you!

Sincerely,
Peter "Sausage, Mushroom, Olives, Onions, Peppers and Extra Cheese on Thick Crust" Brown