Ask A Geek - Illuminati

Q- Makolyte -Does "Illuminati" really exist?

Thanks for the question, Makolyte! I think the answer to this question has many facets. Like a diamond, only lacking in beauty, monetary value or extreme longevity. Basically none of the good stuff, but only the tedious parts. Regardless, I will do my best to answer it. So, lets see...

Is there an all powerful organization controlling world events and leading us in a direction of it's choosing? The answer is simple. I have no way of proving that they exist. Secret societies conspiring to manipulate the world and her outcomes have throughout history been notoriously difficult to document. Go Figure.

That being said, I think we can easily come to the next conclusion. If you can't prove they exist then you probably will have just as much trouble proving that they don't exist. In all honesty, that is what is so much fun about conspiracy theories. I heard somewhere that almost anything can come out 30% in anyone's favor.

Like, If you want to believe something, you can make any evidence 30% effective. It works there there and there, but not here here here and here. As such, anyone can find a ground for their point of view. This is great when trying to prove something might exist. With enough anecdotal and circumstantial evidence you'd be surprised how many folks you could rally to your cause. Even easier if you give away chocolate. People will do anything for chocolate, even bad, hollow milk chocolate items.

"But Peter," you say, "Why would we want to convert people to believing in something that we aren't even sure of ourselves?"

Because if the Illuminati don't exist, then what would be the next best outcome? Right! An army of crazy conspiracy soaked minions ready to do battle with any foe we label as "The Man." So we use our poorly applied statistical data, and overuse of the phrase, "But how can you be POSITIVE?" to harness all the wavering souls we can manage and bring them into our growing fold. Businessmen, politicians, used car salesman and that guy that sweeps up after the elephant parade. We explain to then that we are doing it for the greater good.

Truth? Geeks, love power. Seriously, its a real hoot to be the one pulling all the strings. The main difference between geeks and others is our extreme cynicism to keep up safe (O RLY?) and the ability to harness the power of information. Why else would everyone assume Bill Gates would be a part of this elusive crew?

So what do we have now? A search for Illuminati, that in turn actually created a quasi-reality conundrum. What? See, by searching but not finding them, we ended up raising an army to do our bidding, and we in turn BECAME the Illuminati. A self fulling mission, I would say. Awesome.

So are the Illuminati actually out there? I sure hope...if not what else are we going to talk about while waiting for Left 4 Dead updates to download?