I'm fighting a losing battle with a clever enemy. He's crafty, nasty and has a sharp tongue. I speak with the enemy nearly everyday. He pretends to have a civil attitude, until I'm at his mercy. "What can I do for you tubby?"
I'm a not friend with my bathroom scale. I honestly believe it has a mind of it's own. In order to get it to respond, all your suppose to do is tap it's top surface.
"What!?" It wails.
"I want to know my weight" I tap my foot repeatedly on the surface. "Wake up you stupid piece of metal!" My efforts appear to be in vain.
"I'm tired," it yawns "come back tomorrow."
"I need to get going...please!" I beg, as I continue tapping "I paid good money for you!"
"Don't touch me!"
I continue to tap my foot into the top of the scale and it begins to churn. After a number of seconds the 0.0 appears.
"Finally," I step up
"Fine," it sneers, "I suppose there will be no peace till you get the bad news."
"What do I weigh?" The scale spits back 'ERR' on the readout.
This is doing wonders for my self-esteem. I'm just out of the shower soaking wet and arguing with a forty-dollar bathroom scale. In the store it was labeled with such delightful stickers.
- Accurate to one tenth of a pound
- Lifetime guarantee
- Digital readout
- Gracious
When it does read out a number, I never know if it's right. I usually get a different number every time I get up to the plate. I try and weigh myself three times and take an average. The "ERR" was a new one, but I thought I'd give it another go.
"Ahhh!!!" it groans "Get off me! I wasn't made for this sort of strain."
"I'm nowhere near the limit."
"You mean the lie they printed on my side?"
"I've heard that one before," I get off, "Thanks again for your help. You always have a way of getting my day started off right."
In some ways it's a love hate relationship. I mean who wants to really know what they weigh every day, with accuracy to the tenth of a pound? At least with this scale I can be happy if it's a good number, and not feel too bad if it's not. I'll just raise my eyebrows and believe it is acting up again.
"Same time tomorrow?" I say.
"If I must."
My scale and I also have this kind of troublesome relationship! I see it as a necessary evil! I have found if I hang my toes off the front about an inch I can shave off three pounds... Try it!
ReplyDeleteWow - it is the same with everyone. My scale and I too share that relationship. I am just sure my scale lies. Some days I love it (not a majority of the days) and most days I am in the "hate" part of our relationship. When I am faithfully going to weight watchers, I am scared of it - - - - oh the pressure. But they say - first thing in the morning is the best time to weigh - most accurate and when you weight the least. I am going to try the toes hanging off thing! Great idea!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJune-
ReplyDeleteI'm always playing these games with my scale... I find the straigher I stand the more desirable the number. :) Or maybe it is all in my head
SJ-
ReplyDeleteDon't be scared of it show it who's boss... White out some of it's digits and then you can always feel fine!
I bet you can't weight til tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThanks J Crew-
ReplyDeleteThis isn't up to scale with your previous comments.
Nice one. I recommend the weigh in twice a week and do it before the shower. After the shower, the water could add some and everyday is hard on the mind because weight fluctuates so much.
ReplyDeleteweighing and the stock market have similar rules...
ReplyDelete1. Don't watch it everyday
2. Think long-term
Thanks for taking the time out of your busy day to post Steve, too bad about the presidental run and all.. flat tax my eye.
ReplyDeleteA very weighty piece of writing, Kludge.
ReplyDeleteI also end up with multiple results but rather than take the average, I prefer to stick with the lowest. It may be delusional, but it works for me. :)
Jenylu-
ReplyDeleteThanks for weighing in on this point.
I can't think of any other clever puns...how sad.
Some of your best writing yet Kludge. You really "pounded' your point home
ReplyDeleteHeavy G-
ReplyDeleteNice! Thanks for being there with a good one with your fellow man was faltering!