Man Week: Day 5

Today marks the fifth day of Kludge Spots Man Week celebration! Lets take another look back at what we learned!

Day One: Twenty ways men are superior to women
Day Two: The in's and out's of the man card
Day Three: A look at the men's room
Day Four: Manly cooking & woman bash bonus post

Man Week has generated several hundred hits here and we are proud that so many have been eager to seek the wisdom imparted on these few pages. Today I will not shrink down from the dames! My own wife put in a petition for the end of man week this morning. Not going to happen. Add to that last nights comment from Stephanie that, "Nothing in today's Man Week Post offended me." Well... that is just unacceptable!

Today we will address the differences between men and woman drivers!

Manly Driving Techniques
As I always say, there are two types of drivers on the road; good drivers and women drivers. Men know what a car is for. Driving. Listening to the radio or stereo is also acceptable. We are aware of road signs, other vehicles and pedestrians. Women get in a car and shut off all reason and responsibility. They do crazy things like turn around and talk to the kids, chat up their friends in the passengers seats and talk on the phone. They are completely oblivious to other drivers, posted road signs and those bothersome gears and indicators.

Women drive poorly. Men drive with purpose. When a man gets in a car he intends to drive. When a woman gets in a car she is completely oblivious to her responsibility on the road.

To a man a yield sign means he needs to get into traffic as quickly as possible, even if that means squeezing tightly between the Honda and BMW.

To a woman a yield sign means she just keeps rolling forward until she stops traffic enough to let her in.

4 Way Stop
To a man a 4 way stop is a simple maneuver. Whoever arrives first goes first. If you both arrive the driver in the vehicle to the right goes first. This means that a man will take his turn no matter what. Even if the other driver tries to go out of sequence. Accidents are just another way for a man to prove he had the right of way.

A woman in contrast, rolls up drinking her low-fat double sweet latte chatting on her mobile phone while sporting her designer sunglasses and has zero clue who was there first. She will then do one of two things. Go when it isn't her turn and collide with another driver. Otherwise She will wait until someone starts honking and waving their arms at her. To a woman this is normal and not in the least stressful. She'll take a sip of latte, all while keeping up the conversation with her friend. As far as she's concerned this is in the drivers handbook.

Speed Limits
A man understand that a speed limit is the suggested minimum. No one is allowed to drive less that 45 miles an hour, but driving over 45 is expected. Especially on the freeway. The cops are there to add a bit of extra enjoyment to the driving experience. The only goal on freeway driving is to pass as many cars as possible before your off ramp.

If you ask a woman what the speed limit is, she will not know. They don't have time for reading traffic signs while on the look out for cute shoe stores or 1/2 sales. A woman's main job is to be an obstruction and hazard to the rest of drivers in the road. Freeways are for driving 45 in the fast lane, or a great steady road for applying makeup on.

Parallel Parking.
To a man this is yet another example of an opportunity to display his overt manliness. A well executed parallel park should be done in two simple turns and is the piece de resistance of the men parking regiment. Anything longer than a 5 -10 second parking move should be looked on as a failure and will count as a deficit from his man card.

To a woman a parallel parking job should take under 1 hour. It is a 45 point maneuver that gives no regard to the line of honking cars in her makeup mirror. It matters not if she is on the sidewalk or in the middle of the road. It is completed only after making contact with the other parked cars bumpers 17 times.

Overall a man does stupid things behind the wheel of his car with purpose. He knows when he's breaking the law, running a stop light, tailgating or cutting off other drivers. He is communicating with the other drivers through his automobile. Therefore a male driver can sometimes be called a jerk, but never a bad driver.

A woman is unaware of the road, the fact that the cars parking break has been on for five miles or what to do at a 2 way intersection. (Turn yields to the straightway ladies). She is communicating inside her automobile and is unaffected by other cars. Every mistake is unknown and therefore without purpose or understanding. She is a bad driver.

I leave you with a couple video to further drive home the point.

Women the worst drivers?

The Female Parks!


Becca Sports said...

Okay Kludge Spot, I really like your article. I would have to agree with you on 1) 4 way stops...I'm always too nice and let the other person go; 2) parallel parking. On all the other points, I'd beg to differ. Living in the city, I know how to push the envelope and push my way in on a yield, even waiting until the last minute and sqeezing in (the driver never likes it). I also know how to use the gas pedal and I'm not afraid to use it...although I try not to go 15 over the speed limit because I've worked very hard to never get a ticket. I'm looking forward to reading the other posts. I've been meaning to and now that I read this one, I can't wait to read the others. :)

Djalli said...

You obviously haven't seen this video

Just saying!

kludge said...

Becca -

Hey, thanks for coming by! Long time no see! I suppose it might be possible that some women could be decent drivers! :)

I'll let you know next week. Man week has effected my testosterone levels!!

Thanks for stopping by!
I'm afraid I'm unable to get to the site from my location.

Of course if it shows men driving poorly I'll have to fall back on my manly belief system and claim its a fake. Sorry man week protocols!