Thursday, March 18, 2010

Man Week, Day 4

It's now day four here on KludgeSpot in this near historic thread known as Man Week. I don't think I've overstating it. Over the past three days we've dealt with difficult topics. Topics like being proud of what you are, what a man card is and how to accumulate points and of course how a men's room actually works. Over the past three days I have offended my wife, one of my friends and it appears yesterday caused a domestic odor in the homes of others. What a week! As my wife said to me last night.

"What's wrong you."
"Nothing. We're all like this."

She said this to me right after we had this conversation

"I didn't finish your stupid post today."
"Why not?"
"I didn't want to see any more videos of men peeing."
"Offended by our innate efficiently?"

Regardless we will not be discussing any more restroom activity. In fact up until last night I wasn't positive what I was going to talk about today. But last night I was charged with cooking dinner. Well. The important part anyway. The meat. While my bride laboured about on her charge of getting the kids ready for bed I put fire to grill and rekindled and historic union that harkens back to when mastodons ruled the landscape and take out wouldn't be invented for over 20,000 years or so.

Cooking Like A Man

Men love fire. I've yet to meet the exception to this rule. Even men who might not be particularly skilled in the art of grilling still like to poke a fire with a stick. There is something inherently manly about it. It's like sticking your face in a lions mouth. People do it and live, but you know it's dangerous. I mean it's a freaking lion! If you lost control you could lose your head. Grilling, BBQ and smoking is the same thing. It's like juggling knives or driving fast in the rain. It's fun to tame fire into your personal servant.

Lets do a quick review

Can men be bakers?! Absolutely? Is it manly? Hardly! You have to really store up points in other areas to get away with rolling out fondant and making pretty flowers out of frosting. If any aspect of your job involves butter cream how can you possibly even argue the point with me?


What about cooking? Is it inherently manly? While it has many aspects that can be man like, I would be hard pressed to call it manly. Sure you get to play with knives and the occasional flame, but you also have to know your herbs from your spices how to cook soufflés and the best recipe for quiche. Even with a temper like Ramsay's you still aren't really a proper man.


Now... What about grilling?
Here is a picture of an anonymous man. A random photo of a guy cooking stuff on the grill. Can there really be any doubt that this is the man's way to cook? Look, Is there any measuring? A pinch of thyme or teaspoon of saffron? No! In fact we take sauce and just dump it on the meat! Sometimes we use a mop to smear it around or other times just rub it in with your hands!


If a fire like this broke loose in the bakery or the kitchen, both of the previous two "men" would be in a panic. Not this guy. He's smiling because he knows that the food will still taste great! Just douse the fire or close the top and let the food enjoy a little smoking time! This is real cooking!

Then once the food is sufficiently done you grab one of your giant metal manly utensils flip it, grab it or stab it! When is the last time you saw a baker get to wield a fork the size of a man's forearm? Never. He's too busy making chocolate bows.

So there you have it, a manly way to get your grub on. BBQ, smoking or grilling! The last bastion of manly cooking left to us. A grill, a brew and a fire. "Don't hassle me woman, I'm making dinner here!" A throwback to the days of sabre-toothed tiger underwear and men who learned that dead things tasted better once blackened on the open flame!

I'm also celebrating Man Week @ Fusion Ring

5 comments:

Jeremy said...

Our friendship is fully restored after this post.

I think we need to start an "Institute for Male Manliness" and have the first 5 courses be about the subtleties and sublime joys of meat on fire. We could do courses on "picking the right cut of meat", "tending your fires", "Wood Chips, Rubs, Mops, and Sauces", and "Medium-Rare meat, just to miff the ladies".

An advanced class could be on using a smoker. What do you think.

Word Verification: mandrate - Peter, they are on to you!

kludge said...

Jeremy-

Glad to be back in your good graces.

Man school of fire cooking? Excellent idea! And of course a day on the age old argument of gas or charcoal!

Anonymous said...

What about Duff, the Ace of Cakes guy? He's a baker, and makes the occasional flowers and works with fondant etc., however, he often adds explosives, fire, sparks, sharp objects and then blows up his cakes. (And he uses power tools to make them). Is he the exception to the rule and considered a manly baker?
Emberli

Jeremy said...

Emberli.

No. Any guy that not only knows what "fondant" is and how to use it definitely losses the man-card. I don't care if he is making a Darth Vader cake. It's still cake.

kludge said...

Does he pipe icing from a bag? Would someone who scrapbooks appreciate his creations? Does he ever sculpt things out of cereal treats?

Seriously. He can be a man, but his job puts a deficit on his man card (see Man Week Day 2). Hopefully he owns worn out socks and underwear and doesn't listen to ABBA, iron creases in his blue jeans or ever say something is 'darling'

A manly baker is a hard line to walk.